"No good deed goes unpunished!"â„¢ 
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Meals in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. I have worked as a construction worker, commercial fisherman, newspaper writer and attorney all in the same day.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Braves and Cowboys. I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal force demonstration. My quarterback passing rating is 158. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me, especially twins.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I one read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. A full tank of gasoline costs me one dollar.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid on time. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four-course meals using only a Mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prize winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.
My charm is so contagious vaccines have been created for it. Years ago, I built a city out of blocks. Today, over six hundred thousand people live and work there. I am the only person to ever ace a Rorschach test. Every time I go for a swim dolphins appear. Alien abductors have asked me to probe them. If I were to give you directions you'd never get lost and you'd arrive at least five minutes early. My legend precedes me the way lightning precedes thunder.
When it is raining, it is because I am sad. Even my parrot's advice is insightful. My shirts never wrinkle. I am left-handed. And right-handed. Even if I forget to put postage on my mail, it gets there. I once knew a call was a wrong number, even though the person on the other end wouldn't admit it. You can see my charisma from outer space.
I once buried a time capsule full of things that haven't happened yet. I have been pronounced dead 7 times...make that 8. My bear hugs are actually hugs I give to bears. I can't be bought, but my nail clippings have been know to show up at auction. I have never lost a sock. If I disagree with you, it is because you are wrong. I was once 100% certain about being uncertain.
Most songs about love are written for me, about me, or by me. I'd never initiate a conversation about the weather, even in a typhoon. I'm against cruelty to animals, but I'm not afraid to issue a stern warning. Whatever side of the tracks I'm currently on is the right side. If I crossed them, I would still be on the right side. I won the same lifetime achievement award twice. When I go to a restaurant waiters tip me.
I voted for Obama, just to see the chaos. Then I voted for Trump for the same reason. When I wake up the roses smell me. I was once found guilty of being innocent. I sleep with a night light, not because I'm afraid of the dark but because the dark is afraid of me. I hold a Doctorate in Originality which I teach at Stanford where no one ever passes. When I go skydiving Peregrine Falcons always trail behind me. When I look in the mirror there's never a reflection, not because of vampirism, but because I'm one of a kind. I can defeat anyone in a game of chess without making any moves.
I have written proof that the Bermuda triangle is actually a parallelogram. I once put myself up as collateral. I am so respected, even my enemies list me as their emergency contact number. I once licked a poisonous frog just to see what would happen. I once snapped a woman's bra strap just to see what it felt like to get slapped in the face. I have stopped chickens from crossing the road and I know which came first. I save seals from drowning. Raccoons admire my dexterity.
I know who killed JFK. I won the arms race. I can see the Northern Lights from South America. I counsel the Dalai Lama on matters of spirituality. The Pope once requested an audience with me. I can play Mozart and Beethoven on the piano at the same time. I invented string theory from discarded dental floss. If I woke up on the wrong side of the bed I would still have a good day. I hold the world record for holding the most world records. I know exactly how many blonds it takes to change a light bulb. If your GPS is slow, it's because it's waiting for my response. Niagara falls once asked me to stand still so it could take my picture. I watched as Neil Armstrong landed on the moon... from the moon. I am smarter than a fifth grader. |
