You Know You're a Redneck When... (2005 Edition)

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a flyswatter.
3. Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.
4. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
5. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
6. You offer someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
7. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
11. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas wish list.
12. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
13. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
14. Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.
15. You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture.
16. You took a fishing pole to Sea World.
17. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
18. You have a rag for a gas cap.
19. Your father executes the "Pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.
20. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
21. You can spit without opening your mouth.
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.
24. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.
25. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
26. You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.
27. You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
28. You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
29. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
30. Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.

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An evolutionary tale...

WMP and broadband required, sorry.

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Account frozen...

NEVER SAY TO A COP


1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good
job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a
police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a
warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other
cars around.. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee .Your eyes look red, have you been
drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes
look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

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The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by "z" and "w" by " v".

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

ZEN VE VIL RULE ZE VORLD!!!

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Life on earth is the global equivalent of not storing things in the fridge.

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.
The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to rscheearch at
Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a
wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be
in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed
it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed
ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I
awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

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Life on earth is the global equivalent of not storing things in the fridge.

Boudreaux went to the Wal-Mart and bought a new bull eye light. He returned home and called Thibideaux. "Thib, you wanna go froggin' down da bayou tonight?"

"Mais yeah, let's go soon as dark falls," Thib said.

They set out from Patout Bayou boat landing. When Boud turned on his light, Thib said, "Man, das a strong light. I bet we can see for miles."

But luck is not on there side with frogs that night. They don't catch not a single one!

"Boud," say Thib, "let's get out and walk the bank."

So boy, they walking up on the bank and Boud spot's a big frog across the bayou. Boud looks at thib and says, "That light so strong and bright I bet you could walk on the beam across to the other side and get that frog."

Thib ask Boud, "What you think? I'm a damn fool, soon as I get halfway across, you gonna turn the light off and send me swimmin'."

How Cajuns handled Katrina

Due to Hurricane Katrina, the floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes. Mrs.Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs. Thibodeaux, waiting for help to come.

Mrs. Thibodeaux noticed a baseball cap floating near the house. Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float back to the house; it kept floating away from the house, then back towards the house.

Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux, "Do you see dat dere baseball cap afloatin' away from the house, den back again?"

Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yeah, dat my husband; I tole him he gonna cut da grass today come hell or high water."

.

Congrats Dear Rocky on reaching 300 posts in your thread.

We Miss you Buddy!

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For Kajunfisher

You know your a Cajun If:


vacation always means going to the family reunion.

people you know have accidentally hit a deer on the road at night.

some of those people picked up the road kill to cook later.

school classes were called off because of flood.

school classes were called off because of cold.

school classes were called off because of heat.

you've switched from heater to AC in the same day.

local stores have grocery sacks, not bags.

you see people wearing bib overalls at funerals or weddings.

the word "fix" might be used in an unusual way, such as "I'm fixin' to go by there."

festivals across your state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, or animal.

you carry jumper cables in your car --- for your own car!

you know what "cow-tipping" and "snipe-hunting" are and/or have done them.

your kitchen has three basic spices: Tony C's, Tabasco, and ketchup.

local newspapers cover national and world events on a single page.

local papers devote six pages to sports news.

the first day of any hunting season is a good reason to miss work.

you know which leaves make good toilet paper.

your four seasons are Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Christmas.

you know whether other Louisianians are from southern or northern LA as soon as their mouths open to talk.

there is a Dairy Queen in every town with a population of 1000 or more.

going to the local Wal-Mart is a favorite past-time known as "goin walmartin" or "off to Wally World."

you describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees for two days in a row ) as good gumbo weather.

any carbonated soft drink (soda or pop) is called a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor.

you can be satisfied with a meal consisting of only a hunk of bread dipped in flavored flour and water (a Cajun delicacy known as biscuits & gravy).

And...you really can be sure that you must be a Cajun IF... you actually understand what all of the above situations are about and share the joke with your internet friends.

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You know your a Cajun If:
(snip)

there is a Dairy Queen in every town with a population of 1000 or more.

-A-? Here in Kentucky, some small towns have two or (in the case of college towns) THREE!

going to the local Wal-Mart is a favorite past-time known as "goin walmartin" or "off to Wally World."

On Sundays, they are often busier than local churches!

---

Stewie: So, is there any tread left on the tires? Or at this point would it be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway?

Fox Sunday (US) at 9PM ET/PT

Top Twenty Countdown of the Best Oxymorons...

#20 Found missing
#19 Resident alien
#18 Airline food
#17 Same difference
#16 Government organization
#15 Sanitary landfill
#14 Alone together
#13 Business ethics
#12 Sweet sorrow
#11 Military intelligence
#10 Plastic glasses
#9 Terribly pleased
#8 Definite Maybe
#7 Pretty Ugly
#6 Computer Security
#5 Political science
#4 Diet ice cream
#3 Working vacation
#2 Exact estimate
#1 Microsoft Works

Boudreaux and his wife of 5 years Doris are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while they were in bed.

He turned to her and said, "Do you want to fool around?"

"No." She answered.

He then said, "Is that your final answer?"

"Yes." She replied.

Then Boudreaux said, "I'd like to phone a friend."

That's the last thing he can remember.

---

No matter where you go, there you are...

World's shortest fairy tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl said,
"NO!" And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting and
played golf a lot and drank beer and farted whenever he wanted.

THE END

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World's shortest fairy tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl said,
"NO!" And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting and
played golf a lot and drank beer and farted whenever he wanted.

THE END

No wonder she said no.

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Reality Internet Personality

World's shortest fairy tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl said,
"NO!" And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting and
played golf a lot and drank beer and farted whenever he wanted.

THE END

No wonder she said no.

Ah memories!

Blondes and Mechanics

A few days ago I was having some work done at the local Ford Dealership. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.

We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"

She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one." She said that she did not know what it was but this piece had always been there.

He gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car, which had its hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?"

She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right "there." (Click on the word "there".)

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Words Women Use

Fine
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right
and you need to shut up.

Five Minutes
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more
minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

Nothing
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something" and you
should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually
end in "fine".

Go Ahead
This is a dare, not permission, DON'T DO IT!

Loud Sigh
Although not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood
by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders
why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over
"Nothing".

That's Okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements that woman can make to
a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard
before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

Thanks
This is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. If a
woman is thanking you, do not question it. Just say you're welcome
and back out of the room slowly.