Reopened....Beethoven's II
Message boards :
Cafe SETI :
Reopened....Beethoven's II
Message board moderation
Previous · 1 . . . 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 . . . 37 · Next
| Author | Message |
|---|---|
John Hunt  Send message Joined: 3 Apr 99 Posts: 514 Credit: 501,438 RAC: 0 
|
One more..... Star Trek - Lost Episode Transcript (Picard) "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?" (Geordi)"Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology." (Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.) (Riker looks puzzled.) "What the hell is 'Microsoft'?" (Data turns to answer.) "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate." (Picard) "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?" (Data) "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions." (Picard) "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea." (Data) "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'." (Geordi) "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase." (Picard) "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if their is something we have missed." (Data) "Sir, I believe their is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'. Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards. (Riker) "Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F . . ." (Geordi, excited) "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !" (Picard) "Data, what does your scanners show?" (Data) "Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity." (Picard) "Lets wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their functionality." (Riker) "Geordi what's the status on the Borg?" (Geordi) "As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'. (Picard) "How much time will that buy us ?" (Data) "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours." (Geordi) "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector." (Picard) "Identify." (Data) "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo" (Over the speakers) "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS" (Data) "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects." (Picard) "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft" (Riker) "Good God captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits ! How can they survive the tortures of deep space ?!" (Data) "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits" (Riker and Picard together horrified) "Lawyers !!" (Geordi) "It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening." (Data) "True, but apparently some must have survived." (Riker) "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers." (Data) "I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red tape' - it often proves fatal." (Riker) "They're tearing the Borg to pieces !" (Picard) "Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the Borg deserve that." 
ID: 321759 ·  |
 Beethoven  Send message Joined: 6 Apr 06 Posts: 1383 Credit: 6,852 RAC: 0 |
A nice try, John. But for all it's length, it's not as sharp or witty as your classics, in my humble opinion. Got any more of the classics?  ID: 321764 · |
Captain Avatar  Send message Joined: 17 May 99 Posts: 15133 Credit: 529,088 RAC: 0 
|
@Beets....Why? 
ID: 321765 · |
|
Beethoven Send message Joined: 6 Apr 06 Posts: 1383 Credit: 6,852 RAC: 0 |
@Beets....Why? Why what, Cap'n? ID: 321766 · |
Es99  Send message Joined: 23 Aug 05 Posts: 10874 Credit: 350,402 RAC: 0 
|
A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers. Whenever he saw a lawyer walking down the side of the road he would swerve to hit him, enjoy the load, satisfying "THUMP", and then swerve back onto the road. (at this point some of you are probably wondering how the trucker could distinguish the lawyers from the humans. Obviously he saw the trail of slime they left!) One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?" "I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest. "No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer." "That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!" Reality Internet Personality ID: 321771 · |
|
John Hunt Send message Joined: 3 Apr 99 Posts: 514 Credit: 501,438 RAC: 0
|
A nice try, John. But for all it's length, it's not as sharp or witty as your classics, in my humble opinion. A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains. "How much does it cost for engineer brain?" "Three dollars an ounce." "How much does it cost for programmer brain?" "Four dollars an ounce." "How much for lawyer brain?" "$1,000 an ounce." "Why is lawyer brain so much more?" "Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?" How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving. Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer? No? Good! How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? Cut the rope. If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do? Shoot the lawyer twice.
ID: 321774 · |
Michael     Send message Joined: 21 Aug 99 Posts: 4608 Credit: 7,427,891 RAC: 18
 |
Sup Beets :) evening everyone :) ID: 321781 · |
|
Beethoven Send message Joined: 6 Apr 06 Posts: 1383 Credit: 6,852 RAC: 0 |
Heyas Mike! That was a fine thing you did for Bodley, there. Well done, Guy! We've got all kinds of people dropping in, having fun. They're onto lawyer jokes right now. Everyone likes lawyer jokes, right? Me included. Have a look, there's some fun stuff on this thread today. ID: 321787 · |
|
Michael Send message Joined: 21 Aug 99 Posts: 4608 Credit: 7,427,891 RAC: 18
|
Heyas Mike! I am glad I could help Bodley out... Heck all I see is flooding today, LOL! dang lawyers... ID: 321789 · |
|
Beethoven Send message Joined: 6 Apr 06 Posts: 1383 Credit: 6,852 RAC: 0 |
Yeah, I had to complain about the flooding to the mods, not that they've done anything about it yet. Doing 8 or 9-post-quotes with pics to stretch the window is not netiquette, imho. Let's see if the mods do something about it. I've got no problem with the content, though. ID: 321793 · |
|
Michael Send message Joined: 21 Aug 99 Posts: 4608 Credit: 7,427,891 RAC: 18
|
no biggie, it ain't like I have never done that soo... ID: 321794 · |
|
Beethoven Send message Joined: 6 Apr 06 Posts: 1383 Credit: 6,852 RAC: 0 |
Hold on! I've got an idea... ID: 321796 · |
|
Beethoven Send message Joined: 6 Apr 06 Posts: 1383 Credit: 6,852 RAC: 0 |
There we go! I've had to delete the pic (again!), but it's better than allowing flooding. Still...I shouldn't have to delete a pic because of flooding, should I now? ID: 321799 · |
|
Es99 Send message Joined: 23 Aug 05 Posts: 10874 Credit: 350,402 RAC: 0
|
There we go! I've got the funniest feeling of deja vu... Reality Internet Personality ID: 321800 · |
Fuzzy Hollynoodles  Send message Joined: 3 Apr 99 Posts: 9659 Credit: 251,998 RAC: 0 |
Wasn't there some, who got banned for doing something like that some time ago? If my memory serves me well?! "I'm trying to maintain a shred of dignity in this world." - Me 
ID: 321803 · |
|
Beethoven Send message Joined: 6 Apr 06 Posts: 1383 Credit: 6,852 RAC: 0 |
Yes, and not so long ago either. And Rom did make his edict against it clear. Of course it takes fair moderating to make Rom's words more than just a joke. Moderators? Do your job, please and thank you. ID: 321806 · |
|
John Hunt Send message Joined: 3 Apr 99 Posts: 514 Credit: 501,438 RAC: 0
|
Today's Factoid is: Q: What is the world's widest residential building? Dunno, but if there was a flood it would take ages to mop up......
ID: 321814 · |
Jord  Send message Joined: 9 Jun 99 Posts: 15184 Credit: 4,362,181 RAC: 3 
|
Maybe you bring it onto yourself. But ok, people, please stop disrupting this thread. ID: 321816 · |
|
Beethoven Send message Joined: 6 Apr 06 Posts: 1383 Credit: 6,852 RAC: 0 |
There we go! What you're doing...adding the wide border right of the pic to flood this thread isn't all that funny Es...it's a PITA to other users. Rom made himself pretty clear about this, I thought. http://setiathome.berkeley.edu/forum_thread.php?id=30781 Since you're still within your Edit hour limit, I'd appreciate it if you removed your widened version of my pic, which I've already had to remove even in it's small version. Thank you kindly. ID: 321821 · |
|
Beethoven Send message Joined: 6 Apr 06 Posts: 1383 Credit: 6,852 RAC: 0 |
Maybe you bring it onto yourself. But ok, people, please stop disrupting this thread. This thread is already disrupted, Ageless, because the two pics: by Es99, and just now, by John Hunt, have already flood-stretched the window way wider than it should be. Would you kindly delete these posts? We cross-posted btw, I can see. I didn't see your post above until after I had posted my last one. ID: 321825 · |
©2024 University of California
SETI@home and Astropulse are funded by grants from the National Science Foundation, NASA, and donations from SETI@home volunteers. AstroPulse is funded in part by the NSF through grant AST-0307956.