A couple of drinking buddies who are airplane mechanics are in a hangar at JFK New York. It's fogged in and they have nothing to do.

One of them says to the other, "Man, have you got anything to drink?"

The other one says, "Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel, and it will kinda give you a buzz."

So they do drink it, get smashed and have a great time, like only drinking buddies can.

The following morning, one of the men wakes up and he just knows his head will explode if he gets up, but it doesn't. He gets up and feels good. In fact, he feels great! No hangover!

The phone rings. It's his buddy. The buddy says, "Hey, how do you feel?"

"Great", he said! "Just great"! The buddy says, "Yeah, I feel great too, and no hangover. That jet fuel stuff is great. We should do this more often!

"Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing . . . "

"What's that?"

"Did you fart yet?"

"No . . . "

"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Phoenix."

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a
young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He says, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline.

Have you ever used the product?"

She says, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken aback.

Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's
bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge.

But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire
you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell
me
exactly how you use it for sex?"

The woman says, "I don't mind telling you at all... My husband
and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."

---

Air Cold, the blade stops;
from silent stone,
Death is preordained

Calm Chaos Forums : Everyone Welcome

"A Real Math Problem"
Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her classes:
"A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?"
After a very long silence in the classroom, Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher called on Little Johnny for his answer.
With complete sincerity in his voice, Little Johnny answered, "A lawyer!"

"The Boy & The Soda Machine"
While on maternity leave, a woman from our office brought in her new bundle of joy. She also had her seven-year-old son with her.
Everyone gathered around the baby, and the little boy asked, "Mommy, can I have some money to buy a soda?"
"What do you say?" she asked.
Respectfully, the boy replied, "You're thin and beautiful."
The woman reached into her purse and gave her son the money.

---

Join Calm Chaos

"Retired General"
A retired four-star general ran into his former orderly, also retired, in a Manhattan bar and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to come work for him as his valet.
"Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the army," the general said. "Nothing to it-you'll catch on again fast."
Next morning promptly at eight o'clock, the ex-orderly entered the ex-general's bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general a gentle shake, strode around the other side of the bed, spanked his employer's wife on her bottom and said, "OK, sweetheart, it's back to the village for you."

---

Join Calm Chaos

"Retired General"
A retired four-star general ran into his former orderly, also retired, in a Manhattan bar and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to come work for him as his valet.
"Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the army," the general said. "Nothing to it-you'll catch on again fast."
Next morning promptly at eight o'clock, the ex-orderly entered the ex-general's bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general a gentle shake, strode around the other side of the bed, spanked his employer's wife on her bottom and said, "OK, sweetheart, it's back to the village for you."

ROFLMAO nice one RA

---

Q. What's the most common cause of hearing loss amongst men?

A. Wife saying she wants to talk to him.

Q. What's the most common cause of hearing loss amongst men?

A. Wife saying she wants to talk to him.

Take out the garbage!

---

Q. What's the most common cause of hearing loss amongst men?

A. Wife saying she wants to talk to him.

Take out the garbage!

What?? LOL

---

Air Cold, the blade stops;
from silent stone,
Death is preordained

Calm Chaos Forums : Everyone Welcome

Q. What's the most common cause of hearing loss amongst men?

A. Wife saying she wants to talk to him.

Take out the garbage!

What?? LOL

We go deaf when wife has Honey Do's....

---

There are cat accountants. That's right, I said cat accountants. No you say? It's true!

---

9 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3 When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4 When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

5 When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6 People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8 When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

Actually...when someone asks me that question...I usually tell them...

" You are allowed to ask me one question...that was your question. "

or

" NOPE! "

An elderly couple were watching a TV evangelist one day. When the program was reaching the end the evangelist announced it was time to heal the sick. He asked that those at home walk to the TV set and place their right hand on the part of the body that was ailling and the left on top of the TV.
The Old guy got up and placed his left hand on the TV and with his right he grabbed his pennis, the Old lady inmediately says "hey, he said heal the sick, NOT raise the dead."

Viper1

An elderly couple were watching a TV evangelist one day. When the program was reaching the end the evangelist announced it was time to heal the sick. He asked that those at home walk to the TV set and place their right hand on the part of the body that was ailling and the left on top of the TV.
The Old guy got up and placed his left hand on the TV and with his right he grabbed his pennis, the Old lady inmediately says "hey, he said heal the sick, NOT raise the dead."

Viper1

Whats a Pennis?

---

An elderly couple were watching a TV evangelist one day. When the program was reaching the end the evangelist announced it was time to heal the sick. He asked that those at home walk to the TV set and place their right hand on the part of the body that was ailling and the left on top of the TV.
The Old guy got up and placed his left hand on the TV and with his right he grabbed his pennis, the Old lady inmediately says "hey, he said heal the sick, NOT raise the dead."

Viper1

Whats a Pennis?

It was a slip of the pen... boom, boom!!!

---

An elderly couple were watching a TV evangelist one day. When the program was reaching the end the evangelist announced it was time to heal the sick. He asked that those at home walk to the TV set and place their right hand on the part of the body that was ailling and the left on top of the TV.
The Old guy got up and placed his left hand on the TV and with his right he grabbed his pennis, the Old lady inmediately says "hey, he said heal the sick, NOT raise the dead."

Viper1

Whats a Pennis?

It was a slip of the pen... boom, boom!!!

Edit
Pennis = dick, wang, meat, schlong...
Just TRYING to be polite

An elderly couple were watching a TV evangelist one day. When the program was reaching the end the evangelist announced it was time to heal the sick. He asked that those at home walk to the TV set and place their right hand on the part of the body that was ailling and the left on top of the TV.
The Old guy got up and placed his left hand on the TV and with his right he grabbed his pennis, the Old lady inmediately says "hey, he said heal the sick, NOT raise the dead."

Viper1

Whats a Pennis?

It was a slip of the pen... boom, boom!!!

Edit
Pennis = dick, wang, meat, schlong...
Just TRYING to be polite

You have one too many 'n's in the word.

---

BOINC WIKI

An elderly couple were watching a TV evangelist one day. When the program was reaching the end the evangelist announced it was time to heal the sick. He asked that those at home walk to the TV set and place their right hand on the part of the body that was ailling and the left on top of the TV.
The Old guy got up and placed his left hand on the TV and with his right he grabbed his pennis, the Old lady inmediately says "hey, he said heal the sick, NOT raise the dead."

Viper1

Whats a Pennis?

It was a slip of the pen... boom, boom!!!

Edit
Pennis = dick, wang, meat, schlong...



Just TRYING to be polite

You have one too many 'n's in the word.

oops... says he while blushing and blaming his keyboard for the "sticky" N
Viper1

Help Quick!!!!
Just today I read a joke about a chili cookoff contest and a guest judge. I nearly pissed my pants laughing and now I cant find it to show my wife. she thinks I'm making it up, that nothing could be so funny HELP! HELP! if ANYONE has it please post it again

Viper1

Help Quick!!!!
Just today I read a joke about a chili cookoff contest and a guest judge. I nearly pissed my pants laughing and now I cant find it to show my wife. she thinks I'm making it up, that nothing could be so funny HELP! HELP! if ANYONE has it please post it again

Viper1

Well, because I save everything, I think this is the one you're talking about.

Chili Cook Off
Recently I was honored and selected to be a judge at a local chili cook-off. I was chosen because I was an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in my Community, and because I was a Texas transplant in Arkansas (who should "know his chili").

I was most likely also picked because no one else wanted to do it and the original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy after all, this was Arkansas NOT Texas. The clincher--they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when you're an Internet writer and therefore known and adored by all.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild.
CAMERON: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's
the worst one. These people are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE 1: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE 2: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
CAMERON: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I'm to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE 1: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE 2: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
CAMERON: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends call her "Sally." Probably behind her back they call her Forklift.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE 1: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE 2: A hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
CAMERON: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it.Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake tattoo sort of coiled and uncoiled-it's kinda cute.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE 1: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE 2: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
CAMERON: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE 1: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE 2: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
CAMERON: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later.

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE 1: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE 2: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.
CAMERON: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like itis made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy they'll know what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it's too late. Tell our children I'm sorry I was not there to conceive them. I've decided to stop breathing,it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files people and tell them I've found a super nova on my tongue.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE 1: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
JUDGE 2: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
CAMERON: Momma?

---

Calm Chaos Forum...Join Calm Chaos Now