Weight conscious office workers who feel guilty about not getting enough exercise may take comfort in the following list of “ activities” that can be performed right at the desk. Each is accompanied by its purported calorie.-.burning equivalent:

Jogging your memory 125
Beating around the bush 75
Climbing the walls 150
Passing the buck 25
Throwing your weight around
(depending upon weight) 50-300
Wading through paperwork 250
Sticking your neck out 175
Chewing nails 200
Making mountains out of molehills 500
Dragging your heels 100
Pushing your luck 250
Climbing the ladder of success 750
Wrapping it up at day’s end 12

---

Join Calm Chaos

"These are my lobsters."

Character 1: "Don't serve those."
Character 2: "What are you doing?"
Character 1: "These are my lobsters."
Character 2: "Your lobsters?"
Character 1: "Yeah, you got my table. But you're not getting my lobsters."
Character 2: "And this is your table?"
Character 1: " (pounds on table) My table!"
Character 2: "Oh, I see. This is (pounds on table) your table, and these are your lobsters."
Character 1: "You got it."
Character 2: "I suppose this is your wife, hmmm? Is this your tie?"
Character 1: "Nope."
Character 2: "Is this your shirt?"
Character 1: "Mm-mm."
Character 2: "Is this your belt? Are these your shorts (pulls down pants) ?"

---

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman playing golf with their wives...

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any undies?" her husband demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."

The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £20. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she too is wearing no undies.

"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no undies. Why not?"

She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."

He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £10. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt
over her head to reveal that she too, is naked underneath.

"Sweet mutha o' Jesus, Aggie! Where are yer drawers?"

She too explains, "Ya dinnae gi' me enough money tae be able tae afford any."

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o Jesus, here's a comb. Tidy yersel up a bit."

---

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman playing golf with their wives...

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any undies?" her husband demanded.

"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."

The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £20. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she too is wearing no undies.

"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no undies. Why not?"

She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."

He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £10. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt
over her head to reveal that she too, is naked underneath.

"Sweet mutha o' Jesus, Aggie! Where are yer drawers?"

She too explains, "Ya dinnae gi' me enough money tae be able tae afford any."

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o Jesus, here's a comb. Tidy yersel up a bit."

---

"Rocky's Laughter Is the Best Medicine 3"

So that would be 3 for the price of one Keith... ;-))

You liked that one Tim, wanna borrow my comb then.... ;-p

---

Hey, Fat B!!!

LOL....you making even one single post in here is good for a laugh.

---

Founder of BOINC team Objectivists. Oh the humanity! Rational people crunching data!
I did NOT authorize this belly writing!

Hey, Fat B!!!

LOL....you making even one single post in here is good for a laugh.

Your welcome Robert always here for a chuckle, life is too serious just like thee boards sometimes, now here's my triple bill, no combs required Tim ;-p

He said ... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said ... You wear pants don't you?

He said ... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said ... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa.

He said ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said ... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

---

Hey, Fat B!!!

LOL....you making even one single post in here is good for a laugh.

Your welcome Robert always here for a chuckle, life is too serious just like thee boards sometimes, now here's my triple bill, no combs required Tim ;-p

He said ... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said ... You wear pants don't you?

He said ... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said ... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa.

He said ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said ... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

---

On a wall in a ladies room . .. "My husband follows me everywhere"
Written just below it ... " I do not"

Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.

Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.

---

Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a belly button. In its place was a golden screw. All the doctors told his mother that there was nothing they could do. Like it or not, he was stuck with it.

All the years of growing up was real tough on him, as all who saw the screw made fun of him. He avoided ever leaving his house and thus, never made any friends.

One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a swami in Tibet that could get rid of the screw for him. He was thrilled. The next day he took all of his life's savings and bought a ticket to Nepal.

After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant monastery. The swami knew exactly why he had come. He was told to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery and the following day when he awoke, the screw would have been removed.

The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep. During the night while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open window, bearing in its mist, a golden screwdriver. In just moments, the screw-driver removed the screw and disappeared out of the window.

The next morning when the boy woke, he saw the golden screw laying on the pillow next to him. Reaching down, he felt his navel, and there was no screw there!

Jubilant, he leaped out of bed, but in seconds, his butt fell off.

The moral to this is "don't screw around with things you don't understand or you'll lose your ass".

---

me@rescam.org

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."

But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love You."

---

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?

A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

---

Q.. Why are blonde jokes so short?

A. So men can remember them.

---

Q: How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
A: Two. If you slice them very thinly.

---

Reality Internet Personality

Q. How come it takes 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg?

A. Because they're male and refuse to ask directions...

A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.

She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!"

The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"

---

The $50 Story:

MORRIS AND HIS WIFE ESTHER WENT TO THE STATE FAIR EVERY YEAR AND EVERY YEAR MORRIS WOULD SAY, "ESTHER, I'D LIKE TO RIDE IN THAT HELICOPTER."

ESTHER ALWAYS REPLIED, "I KNOW MORRIS, BUT THAT HELICOPTER RIDE IS 50 DOLLARS AND 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS."

ONE YEAR ESTHER AND MORRIS WENT TO THE FAIR AND MORRIS SAID, "ESTHER, I'M 85 YEARS OLD. IF I DON'T RIDE THAT HELICOPTER, I MIGHT NEVER GET ANOTHER CHANCE."

ESTHER REPLIED "MORRIS THAT HELICOPTER IS 50 DOLLARS AND 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS."

THE PILOT OVERHEARD THE COUPLE AND SAID, " FOLKS, I'LL MAKE YOU A DEAL. I'LL TAKE THE BOTH OF YOU FOR A RIDE AND IF YOU CAN STAY QUIET FOR THE ENTIRE RIDE AND NOT SAY A WORD I WON'T CHARGE YOU, BUT IF YOU SAY ONE WORD, IT'S 50 DOLLARS..!"

MORRIS AND ESTHER AGREED AND UP THEY WENT. THE PILOT DID ALL KINDS OF FANCY MANOEUVRES, BUT NOT A WORD WAS HEARD. HE DID HIS DARE DAREDEVIL TRICKS OVER AND OVER AGAIN, BUT STILL NOT A WORD.



WHEN THEY LANDED, THE PILOT TURNED TO MORRIS AND SAID, "BY GOLLY, I DID EVERYTHING I COULD TO GET YOU TO YELL OUT, BUT YOU DIDN'T. I'M IMPRESSED!"

MORRIS REPLIED, "WELL, I WAS GOING TO SAY SOMETHING WHEN ESTHER FELL OUT, BUT 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS!"

The $50 Story:

MORRIS AND HIS WIFE ESTHER WENT TO THE STATE FAIR EVERY YEAR AND EVERY YEAR MORRIS WOULD SAY, "ESTHER, I'D LIKE TO RIDE IN THAT HELICOPTER."

ESTHER ALWAYS REPLIED, "I KNOW MORRIS, BUT THAT HELICOPTER RIDE IS 50 DOLLARS AND 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS."

ONE YEAR ESTHER AND MORRIS WENT TO THE FAIR AND MORRIS SAID, "ESTHER, I'M 85 YEARS OLD. IF I DON'T RIDE THAT HELICOPTER, I MIGHT NEVER GET ANOTHER CHANCE."

ESTHER REPLIED "MORRIS THAT HELICOPTER IS 50 DOLLARS AND 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS."

THE PILOT OVERHEARD THE COUPLE AND SAID, " FOLKS, I'LL MAKE YOU A DEAL. I'LL TAKE THE BOTH OF YOU FOR A RIDE AND IF YOU CAN STAY QUIET FOR THE ENTIRE RIDE AND NOT SAY A WORD I WON'T CHARGE YOU, BUT IF YOU SAY ONE WORD, IT'S 50 DOLLARS..!"

MORRIS AND ESTHER AGREED AND UP THEY WENT. THE PILOT DID ALL KINDS OF FANCY MANOEUVRES, BUT NOT A WORD WAS HEARD. HE DID HIS DARE DAREDEVIL TRICKS OVER AND OVER AGAIN, BUT STILL NOT A WORD.



WHEN THEY LANDED, THE PILOT TURNED TO MORRIS AND SAID, "BY GOLLY, I DID EVERYTHING I COULD TO GET YOU TO YELL OUT, BUT YOU DIDN'T. I'M IMPRESSED!"

MORRIS REPLIED, "WELL, I WAS GOING TO SAY SOMETHING WHEN ESTHER FELL OUT, BUT 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS!"

---

The $50 Story:

MORRIS AND HIS WIFE ESTHER WENT TO THE STATE FAIR EVERY YEAR AND EVERY YEAR MORRIS WOULD SAY, "ESTHER, I'D LIKE TO RIDE IN THAT HELICOPTER."

ESTHER ALWAYS REPLIED, "I KNOW MORRIS, BUT THAT HELICOPTER RIDE IS 50 DOLLARS AND 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS."

ONE YEAR ESTHER AND MORRIS WENT TO THE FAIR AND MORRIS SAID, "ESTHER, I'M 85 YEARS OLD. IF I DON'T RIDE THAT HELICOPTER, I MIGHT NEVER GET ANOTHER CHANCE."

ESTHER REPLIED "MORRIS THAT HELICOPTER IS 50 DOLLARS AND 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS."

THE PILOT OVERHEARD THE COUPLE AND SAID, " FOLKS, I'LL MAKE YOU A DEAL. I'LL TAKE THE BOTH OF YOU FOR A RIDE AND IF YOU CAN STAY QUIET FOR THE ENTIRE RIDE AND NOT SAY A WORD I WON'T CHARGE YOU, BUT IF YOU SAY ONE WORD, IT'S 50 DOLLARS..!"

MORRIS AND ESTHER AGREED AND UP THEY WENT. THE PILOT DID ALL KINDS OF FANCY MANOEUVRES, BUT NOT A WORD WAS HEARD. HE DID HIS DARE DAREDEVIL TRICKS OVER AND OVER AGAIN, BUT STILL NOT A WORD.



WHEN THEY LANDED, THE PILOT TURNED TO MORRIS AND SAID, "BY GOLLY, I DID EVERYTHING I COULD TO GET YOU TO YELL OUT, BUT YOU DIDN'T. I'M IMPRESSED!"

MORRIS REPLIED, "WELL, I WAS GOING TO SAY SOMETHING WHEN ESTHER FELL OUT, BUT 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS!"

OH MY!!! ROFLMAO!!!!!

---

Air Cold, the blade stops;
from silent stone,
Death is preordained

Calm Chaos Forums : Everyone Welcome

Drinking:

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were.

The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought £300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge to keep it in.

"The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent £17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!"

The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two women sound pretty dumb. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber : "Ah, it kills me everytime I think of it," he chuckles. "My wife left to go on a trip to Greece. I watched her packing her bags. She must have put about 100 condoms in there and she doesn't even have a penis"