Please read all of the instructions before doing anything. Don't just read though, get yourself a pen and paper and try it.

On a sheet of paper, write your name in the upper right hand corner.

Number your paper from #1 to #7, leaving enough space between each number.

Draw five small circles beside #1.

Put an "X" in the second and fourth circles.

Draw a circle around #2 on your paper.

Count the number of words in this sentence and write the answer beside #3 on your paper.

Write your name beside #4.

Write today's date beside #5 on your paper.

Write one of the following words beside #6:
Aardvark
Donkey
Mushroom
Artichoke

Write the words "I am really clever" beside #7 on your paper.


Now that you have completed the reading, skip all of the instructions except the first two! Once you have finished and followed the instructions correctly, you should only have your name on the paper!

"Said a fella to a fella, in a field of finches. Said a fella to a fella, how many F's in that?"


>Now There is a river you must cross, but it is inhabited by crocodiles.
>How do you manage it?

Go over the bridge, laughing and pointing at the weirdos trying all manner of ways to do it?

---

>
> Now There is a river you must cross, but it is inhabited by crocodiles.
> How do you manage it?
>

You go while they're attending the animal conference.

---

> >
> > Now There is a river you must cross, but it is inhabited by crocodiles.
> > How do you manage it?
> >
>
> You go while they're attending the animal conference.

Bravo !!!

> A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she
> said 'no'.

Better luck next time. Ask Guido.

> > >
> > > Now There is a river you must cross, but it is inhabited by
> crocodiles.
> > > How do you manage it?
> > >
> >
> > You go while they're attending the animal conference.
>
> Bravo !!!
>
>

Easy, You tell it that its mother was a slow moving stream and its father was a small pond, that will make the river cross indeed !!

---

> Have you found God yet?
>
> I didn't know I was supposed to be looking for him.
>
> ...don't be ridiculous....
>
>
>
>
> I can feel the fire and brimstone already ;o)
>

Has sir been fitted for special deluxe flameproof undies, kite marked to BS 476 part 23? Should be able to resist moderate to severe damnation!

---

Ken Phillips

BOINC question? Look here



"The beginning is the most important part of the work." - Plato

Andskotinn hafi thad....



That's what I say.

---

Two carrots walking down the street. They've been the closest of friends since they were sprouts. They're hungry, so they decide to cross the street and get something to eat. The first carrot steps off the curb and is immediately hit by a car. Horrified, the second carrot screams for someone to call an ambulance. Within minutes, the ambulance screeches to a stop at the curb, scoops up the badly injured carrot, and speeds away to the hospital. The patient is taken directly upstairs to the Operating Room for emergency surgery.
Hours go by while the second carrot paces anxiously back and forth in the waiting room. Back and forth. Pacing, pacing.
Finally, the surgeon enters the waiting room, his surgical garb splashed with orange. In hushed tones, he speaks to the second carrot. Expecting the worst, the second carrot exclaims, "Give it to me straight, doctor. Did he make it? Is he going to be all right?"
"Well," the doctor replies, "I have some good news and some bad news."
"Tell me, doctor! I can take it."
"Well, the good news is, your friend's going to make it..."
"Oh, thank God..."
"...But the bad news is, he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life."

---

It's better to love a short girl than not a tall.....

---

The following statment is true.




The previous statment was false.

---

I Refuse to hold myself responsible for any of my actions.

si hoc legere scis nimium eruditionis habes

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

---

I was having lunch with a beautiful woman the other day and in walked another woman who looked just like my date. I started asking them questions and found out that both women were born on the same day, same month, same year, and they had the same mother, but they were not twins. How could this be?

---

> I was having lunch with a beautiful woman the other day and in walked another
> woman who looked just like my date. I started asking them questions and found
> out that both women were born on the same day, same month, same year, and they
> had the same mother, but they were not twins. How could this be?
>

No guesses?

---

> No guesses?

Stop doing drugs !

SEE Guido's REAL Website

---

"I was having lunch with a beautiful woman the other day and in walked another woman who looked just like my date. I started asking them questions and found out that both women were born on the same day, same month, same year, and they had the same mother, but they were not twins. How could this be?"


@ Tom. Because they were triplets/quads/ whatever?

"An IQ of 6? Do me a lemon! That's a poor IQ for a glass of water!"

---

"You can't judge a book by its cover."
"And you can't confuse Rimmer with a book. For a start, a book's got a spine."

"According to the log we're down to our last 3000 vomit bags. It'll never be enough."



Go Red Dwarf!!! Didn't realise it had crossed the pond?

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Oh, yeah! Used to be on all the PBS stations for a while. It really comes and goes on the whim of membership support. Take US to your BBC valut! And we admire your 'Coupling', too.