Steve

---

Warning, addicted to SETI crunching!
Crunching as a member of GPU Users Group.
GPUUG Website

Prank of the week.

---

Janice

On Second Thought.....
>
>
> Recently I received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude
> and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was
> rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. I tried and tried to change
> the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing
> soft music and anything else I could think of to "clean up" the bird's
> vocabulary.
>
> Finally, I was fed up and I yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled
> back. I shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
> So, in desperation, I threw up my hands, grabbed the bird and put him
> in the freezer.
>
> For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.. Then
> suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a
> minute. Fearing that I'd hurt the parrot, I quickly opened the door
> to the freezer.
>
> The parrot calmly stepped out onto my outstretched arm and said, "I
> believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm
> sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully
> intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable
> behavior."
>
> I was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As I was about to
> ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior,
> the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
>
> HAPPY THANKSGIVING
>

---

PROUD MEMBER OF Team Starfire World BOINC

Ok friends, let me try another joke. Forgive me please if this has been posted previously. I received it today and had not heard it before. And yes, I do have a background in liberal arts...


The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

:)

---

Pure mathematics is, in its way, the poetry of logical ideas.

Albert Einstein

---

The $50 Lesson

I recently asked my friends’ little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her “If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?”

She replied, “I’d give food and houses to all the homeless people.”

Her parents beamed with pride.

“Wow....what a worthy goal” I told her. “But you don’t have to wait until you’re President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I’ll pay you $50.”

“Then I’ll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house.”

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, “Why doesn’t the homeless guy come over and do the work, then you can just pay him the $50?”

I said “Welcome to the Republican Party”.

Her parents haven't spoken to me since.

---

I recently saw a gal walking down the street wearing a T-shirt that said "Guess?" on it.

I said to her, "Implants?"

She hit me.

---

WARNING!!!

Thought I'd better warn you.

Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes.."

Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money.

Pass this on so others don't get scammed

---

"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster

Tom had been in Police work for 25 years.


Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.



He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.



After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door.
He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.



'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...'




'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local
folks Thank you.'



As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'



'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.



Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.


'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'



'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! ..


I'll be there. Thanks again.'



'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'



'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.. By the way, what should I wear?'






'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.’

---

"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster

I couldn't quite think where to post this, but a friend just sent it to me and it's really funny!

http://www.flixxy.com/my-blackberry-is-not-working.htm

Eagle

---

Raccoon Lovers

I couldn't quite think where to post this, but a friend just sent it to me and it's really funny!

http://www.flixxy.com/my-blackberry-is-not-working.htm

Eagle

OMFG........
Funniest thing I have watched in years.

Gotta get me an eggsbox....

Really.

---

"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster

Another one from the same page........

The Wedding Ceremony....

---

"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster

And this is no joke.......
Rather amazing...

Can your car do this?

---

"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster

One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside
cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up,
and begins to read her book.
The peace and solitude are magnificent.
Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat..
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'
'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment.
For all I know you could start at any moment.
I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment.
For all I know you could start at any moment.'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.


MORAL:
Never argue with a woman who reads.
It's likely she can also think.

---

Tim

A Cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.

The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition.

'Do you think you could give me some tips?' he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high, tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.' 'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'Sure will,' replied the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

'That's terrific!' said the hot shot. 'Got any more tips for me?' 'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it, that'll give you a smoother draw' 'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the younger man.

'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?' The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.' The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.' 'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your a$$, and it won't hurt as much.'

---

PROUD MEMBER OF Team Starfire World BOINC

A Cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.

The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition.

'Do you think you could give me some tips?' he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high, tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.' 'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'Sure will,' replied the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

'That's terrific!' said the hot shot. 'Got any more tips for me?' 'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it, that'll give you a smoother draw' 'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the younger man.

'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?' The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.' The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.' 'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your a$$, and it won't hurt as much.'

A little Wyatt Earp scene....

Smack down scene.....

---

"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous One Small Step for Man, One Giant Leap for Mankind statement, but followed it by several remarks - usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark Good luck, Mr. Gorsky.

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut; however, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian nor American space programs.

Over the years, many people have questioned him as to what the Good luck, Mr. Gorsky statement meant. On July 5, in Tampa Bay, FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. He finally responded. It seems that Mr. Gorsky had died and so Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, Neil was playing baseball with his brother in the backyard. His brother hit a fly ball which landed in front of his neighbors' bedroom window. The neighbors were Mr and Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, he heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, Oral sex? Oral sex you want? You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!

---

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
Hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!',
And possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
She barely said good morning,
Let alone
'Happy Birthday.'

I thought....

Well, that's marriage for you,
But the kids....
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
And didn't say a word..
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
And somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
My secretary Jane said,
'Good Morning Boss,
And by the way
Happy Birthday ! '

It felt a little better
That at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock ,
When Jane knocked on my door
And said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
And it is your Birthday,
What do you say we go out to lunch,
Just you and me..'

I said, 'Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go!'

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
Where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro
With a private table.

We had two martinis each
And I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Jane said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We?'

I responded,
'I guess not.
What do you have in mind?'
She said,
'Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,

'Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
For just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
After a couple of minutes,
She came out
Carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed
By my wife,
My kids,
And dozens of my friends
And co-workers,
All singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there....

On the couch....

Naked.

---

Sorry guys.......I should have posted this in time for Valentine's Day...
You might have to make up the points now.
Meow.


The Female Demerit System

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed (+1)

You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)

You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) in the rain (+8)

But return with Beer (-5)

You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1)

You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)

You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)

You pummel it with iron rod (+10)

It's her pet (-20)


SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

You stay by her side the entire party (0)

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school friend (-2)

Named Tina (-10)

Tina is a dancer (-20)

Tina has silicone implants (-80)


HER BIRTHDAY

You take her out to dinner (+2)

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+3)

Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)

And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team (-10)


A NIGHT OUT

You take her to a movie (+1)

You take her to a movie she likes (+3)

You take her to a movie you hate (+6)

You take her to a movie you like (-2)

It's called 'Death Cop' (-3)

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)


YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)

You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)

You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)


THE BIG QUESTION

She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) (Yes, you lose points no matter what)

You hesitate in responding (-10)

You reply, "Where?" (-35)

Any other response (-20)


COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)

You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)

She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-4000)

---

"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster