10. Take my wife...please, as if you'd have a clue what to do with her.

9. Those Klingons sure are friendly...honestly...it was the pleasantest mob I ever lost a tooth in.

8. I just got back from Vulcan, and whew! It was so hot...the settings on my phaser wouldn't go below "fire."

7. Boy, it's really crowded on Gideon these days. You sneeze, and there's a tidal wave headed for the southern continent.

6. I'm not saying the girls on Risa aren't as pretty as they used to be. I'm just saying they've moved the training camp for Medusan Ambassadors to the Risan "House o' Pleasure."

5. I hear the new Minister of the Treasury is a Ferengi, and we're about to have a Skrian president of the Federation. Now, I'm not saying times are tough, but it's a toss-up whether we're about to be exploited or exfoliated.

4. I don't understand the Nausicaans. They're always so angry. What's the point? Nothing's worth getting so worked up about...I mean, outside of golf.

3. The Dominion War sure has everyone on edge. I heard the Head of the Klingon High Council even hired some bodyguards, and that was just to protect the family bat'tleh.

2. Now, don't everyone run out of the room at once, but I hear there's a female Horta outside, and she's really burning up the place.

1. Boy, competition in the job market sure is fierce these days. The other day I started filling out an application at Burger King, and I swear I heard voices betting quadloos.

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LETS BEGIN IN 2010

10. Take my wife...please, as if you'd have a clue what to do with her.

9. Those Klingons sure are friendly...honestly...it was the pleasantest mob I ever lost a tooth in.

8. I just got back from Vulcan, and whew! It was so hot...the settings on my phaser wouldn't go below "fire."

7. Boy, it's really crowded on Gideon these days. You sneeze, and there's a tidal wave headed for the southern continent.

6. I'm not saying the girls on Risa aren't as pretty as they used to be. I'm just saying they've moved the training camp for Medusan Ambassadors to the Risan "House o' Pleasure."

5. I hear the new Minister of the Treasury is a Ferengi, and we're about to have a Skrian president of the Federation. Now, I'm not saying times are tough, but it's a toss-up whether we're about to be exploited or exfoliated.

4. I don't understand the Nausicaans. They're always so angry. What's the point? Nothing's worth getting so worked up about...I mean, outside of golf.

3. The Dominion War sure has everyone on edge. I heard the Head of the Klingon High Council even hired some bodyguards, and that was just to protect the family bat'tleh.

2. Now, don't everyone run out of the room at once, but I hear there's a female Horta outside, and she's really burning up the place.

1. Boy, competition in the job market sure is fierce these days. The other day I started filling out an application at Burger King, and I swear I heard voices betting quadloos.

*chuckle* those are amusing...

Things That Never Happen on Star Trek
1. The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type that it has encountered several times before.
2. The Enterprise goes to check up on a remote outpost of scientists, who are all perfectly alright.
3. The Enterprise comes across a Garden-of-Eden-like planet called Paradise, where everyone is happy all the time. However, everything is soon revealed to be exactly as it seems.
4. The crew of the Enterprise discover a totally new lifeform, which later turns out to be a rather well-known old lifeform, wearing a silly hat.
5. The crew of the Enterprise are struck by a strange alien plague, for which the cure is found in the well-stocked sick-bay.
6. An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface to the Enterprise's computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to bring the right leads.
7. A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering staff.
8. A power surge on the Bridge fails to electrocute the user of a computer panel, due to a highly sophisticated 24th century surge protection feature called a 'fuse'.
9. The Enterprise ferries an alien VIP from one place to another without serious incident.
10. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence which does not put them on trial.
11. The Enterprise separates as soon as there is any danger.
12. The Enterprise gets involved in an enigmatic, strange, and dangerous situation, and there are no pesky aliens they can blame it on in the end.
13. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence which they easily pacify by offering it some sweeties.
14. The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp phenomenon, which is in some way unconnected with the 20th century.
15. Somebody takes out a shuttle and it doesn't explode or crash.
16. A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone's satisfaction.
17. The shields on the Enterprise stay up during a battle.
18. The Enterprise visits the Klingon Home World on a bright, sunny, day.
19. An attempt at undermining the Klingon-Federation alliance is discovered without anyone noting that such an attempt, if successful, "would represent a fundamental shift of power throughout the quadrant."
20. A major character spends the entire episode in the Holodeck without a single malfunction trapping him/her there.
21. Picard hears the door chime and doesn't bother to say "Come."
22. Picard doesn't answer a suggestion with "Make it so"!
23. Picard walks up to the replicator and says, "Coke on ice."
24. Counsellor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious.
25. Mood rings come back in style, jeopardizing Counselor Troi's position.
26. Worf and Troi finally decide to get married, only to have Kate Pulaski show up and disrupt the wedding by shouting, "Did he read you love poetry?! Did he serve you poisonous tea?! He's MINE!"
27. When Worf tells the bridge officers that something is entering visual range no one says "On screen."
28. Worf actually gives another vessel more than 2 seconds to respond to one of the Enterprise's hails.
29. Worf kills Wesley by mistake in the holodeck, (pity this wasn't done in "Deja Vu" then we could have seen it 5 times without rewinding the tape).
30. Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy git, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age for a change.
31. Wesley saves the ship, the Federation, and the Universe as we know it, and EVERYONE is grateful (including the Net).
32. The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy genius Wesley Crusher.
33.Wesley Crusher tries to upgrade the warp drive and they work better than ever.
34. Beverly Crusher manages to go through a whole episode without having a hot flush and getting breathless every time Picard is in the room.
35. Guinan forgets herself, and breaks into a stand up comedy routine.
36. Data falls in love with the replicator.
37. Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits, and isn't tragically separated from her at the end of the episode.
38. The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime Directive.
39. An unknown ensign beams down as part of an away team and lives to tell the tale.
40. Spock or Data is fired from his high-ranking position for not being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three sentences that anyone says to him.
41. Kirk's hair remaining consistent for more that 1 consecutive episode.
42. Kirk gets into a fistfight and doesn't rip his shirt. (Or even, Kirk DOESN'T get into a fistfight...).
43. Kirk doesn't end up kissing the troubled guest-female before she doesn't sacrifice herself for him.
44. Scotty doesn't mention the laws of physics.
45. Spock isn't the only crew member not affected by new weapon/attack by alien race/etc!! due to his "darn green blood" or "bizarre Vulcan physiology" and thus he cannot save the day.
46. The episode ends without Bones & Kirk laughing at Spock's inability to understand the joke, and he doesn't raise his eyebrow.

---

Join Calm Chaos

Double dumb-ass on you.
(Nemoy)

---

"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster

Double dumb-ass on you.
(Nemoy)

Negative. Shatner.

---

me@rescam.org

This isn't a one liner, but here goes.

U.S.S. FARRAGUT SURVEY REPORT: PLANET NEURAL. (Cpt. Garrovick, commanding) Landing party beamed down in native dress. Because the native hill people were quite passive, I orderd Lt. Kirk to make contact. Before their leader Tyree would agree to speak with him, Lt. Kirk needed prove his manhood using the tribal manhood tests: drink a bottle of the local distilled spirits, make love to a Kanutu medicine woman, and wrestle a mugatu. Eager to get the test underway Lt. Kirk rapidly drank a bottle of "mako root fire water" and wandered off into the forest to find a mugatu. Fourty five minutes later Kirk returned looking drunk and somewhat bruised. When offered assistance he refused and said "Now where's this medicine woman I have to wrestle."

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@SETIEric@qoto.org (Mastodon)

"The trouble with tribbles........."

---

"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster

The Enterprise is traveling through space at Warp 8; however, in the blink of an eye, she drops out of Warp and starts drifting - no power whatsoever. Kirk hits a button on his command chair, "Engineering, Scotty, what's happening down there!?"

"Aye, Sir, we've dropped outta Warp to pop open a Killian's Red and enjoy the scenery. Come on down 'ere and enjoy the party with us."

Shocked and dismayed, Kirk closes the intercom channel on the command chair. Spock arches an eyebrow. Sulu smiles and Chekov almost loses total control and snickers just barely holding in his full laughter. Uhura puts herself more into her work, making sure not to look at Kirk. The Enterprise continues drifting, and the Engineering crew continues their unscheduled party break.

The intercom on Kirk's chair chimes in, "McCoy to Bridge. Jim, I'm in the middle of open heart surgery down here! We've lost main power to Sickbay and Scotty won't answer his intercom! What's happening!? Jim!!!"

Fade to black...

---

TimeLord04
Have TARDIS, will travel...
Come along K-9!
Join Calm Chaos

After a time warp taking the whole Enterprise crew back into the late 20Th Century; the crew finds themselves aboard a Nuclear Submarine, Dallas Class...

Kirk activates the intercom to Engineering, "Scotty we need more power!"

"Aye, Sir, we're shoveling the coal in as fast as we can!"

"Scotty, this is a Nuclear Submarine..."

Long pause, "Uh, Aye Sir, well we have a mighty large fire down 'ere. I suggest sending down the fire and damage control teams immediately. Oh, and do ya 'ave any of those little smokies or brats in the meantime? We could 'ave a good barbecue."

Fade to black.

---

TimeLord04
Have TARDIS, will travel...
Come along K-9!
Join Calm Chaos

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: Counsilor Troi: I knew it was going to happen. I could sense it.

Q: Have you read the book "Go to Warp 9..."?
A: It's by: N. Gage

Q: Why did the Klingon cross the road?
A: To conquer the other side.

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LETS BEGIN IN 2010

Top Ten Bumper Stickers for the Starship Enterprise


10.)Our other starship separates into THREE pieces!

9.)One photon torpedo can ruin your whole day...think about it.

8.)HONK if you've slept with Commander Riker!

7.)Guns don't kill people, Mark VII phaser rifles do.

6.)Zero to warp 9.7 in 3 seconds!

5.)CAUTION! We have a trigger-happy Klingon at tactical!

4.)If you can read this...don't you think you're a wee bit too close?

3.)Have you hugged a Ferengi Today?

2.)Wesley on board!

1.)We break for cubes.

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LETS BEGIN IN 2010

'It takes one man to start a revolution.'
Captain Kirk from the episode, Mirror Mirror.

'Man wasn't meant for Paradise.'
Captain Kirk from the episode, 'The Other Side of Paradise.'

Star Trek Proverb

"Live long and prosper." - Vulcan proverb.
"and eat well." - Jewish addendum to Vulcan proverb.
"Feast on your enemies!" - Klingon interpretation of Jewish addendum to Vulcan proverb

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LETS BEGIN IN 2010

"Are you out of your Vulcan mind ?"

"You proceed from a false assumption: I have no ego to bruise”

---

flaming balloons

Captain Kirk: "Since all of you crewmembers performed so inefficiently today, there'll be no liberty at Starbase Seven."
Voice: "Give me liberty or give me death!"

Kirk: "Who said that?"

Voice: "Patrick Henry."

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LETS BEGIN IN 2010

'It takes one Poot to start a revolution.'
Captain TPooty from the episode, Poot in Space.

---

"It's worked so far; but we're not out, yet.", McCoy.

"Pure energy!", Spock.

"I feel what you feel, I know what you know.", Spock.

"...something, parallel...", Kirk.

"...PUSH THE DAMN BUTTON!!!", Scotty.

"WE'RE AT WARP NINE, AND THEY'RE BUCKLIN'!!! BRIDGE!!!", Scotty.

"A lie is a poor way to say 'hello'.", Edith Keeler.

"Do you know what you just did!!!??? ...You deliberately stopped me!", McCoy.

"He knows, Doctor... He knows.", Spock.

"All is as it once was. Many such journey's are possible, let me be your gateway.", Guardian of Forever.

8-D

---

TimeLord04
Have TARDIS, will travel...
Come along K-9!
Join Calm Chaos

- Are you wearing some unusual kind of perfume, or something radioactive, my dear?
McCoy to Eve when she causes a medical device to react, "Mudd's women

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LETS BEGIN IN 2010

Captain Kirk: "Since all of you crewmembers performed so
inefficiently today,
there'll be no liberty at Starbase Seven

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LETS BEGIN IN 2010