Q: WHY ARE CYCLONES AND TORNADOES USUALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because they don't come very often but when they do come, they make a hell of a noise and when they go, they take half your house with them.

Q: WHY DO WOMEN RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have balls.

Q: WHY DO MEN FART MORE THAN WOMEN?
A: Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

Q: WHAT IS IT CALLED WHEN A WOMAN IS PARALYSED FROM THE WAIST DOWN?
A: Marriage.

Q: WHY IS A BLOW JOB LIKE LOBSTER THERMIDOR?
A: They're both very nice, but you don't get either at home.

Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLE FOR?
A: It's Braille for "Suck Here"

Q: WHY DO MEN DIE BEFORE THEIR WIVES?
A: They want to.

Q: HOW ARE WOMEN LIKE PARKING SPACES?
A: The best ones are taken & the rest are handicapped.

Q: WHY DO WOMEN CLOSE THEIR EYES DURING SEX?
A: They can't stand to see a man having a good time.

Q: WHAT'S SIX INCHES LONG, TWO INCHES WIDE & DRIVES WOMEN WILD?
A: A ten-pound note

Q: What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A: A battery has a positive side.

---

......In Space No One Can Hear You Scream......

Science has proven there is on food known to man that when consummed will decrease a woman sex drive by 75%...



Wedding Cake!!!!

---

I'd rather speak my mind because it hurts too much to bite my tongue.

American Spirit BBQ Proudly Serving those that courageously defend freedom.

At a press conference the Brunettes announce they are going to make a trip to the Moon. The Redheads speak up "That's been done before, we're going to go to Mars". The Blondes speak up "That's nothing, we're going to be the first people to go to the Sun". One of the reporters says "Don't you idiots know that you'll burn up?" The Blondes say "NO WE WON'T; WE'RE GOING TO GO AT NIGHT!"

---

Account frozen...

> Science has proven there is on food known to man that when consummed will
> decrease a woman sex drive by 75%...
>
>
>
> Wedding Cake!!!!
>
>
>
>


lol ;-)

---

......In Space No One Can Hear You Scream......

> At a press conference the Brunettes announce they are going to make a trip to
> the Moon. The Redheads speak up "That's been done before, we're going to go to
> Mars". The Blondes speak up "That's nothing, we're going to be the first
> people to go to the Sun". One of the reporters says "Don't you idiots know
> that you'll burn up?" The Blondes say "NO WE WON'T; WE'RE GOING TO GO AT
> NIGHT!"
>

hahahaha.That is funny.I like it.

---

......In Space No One Can Hear You Scream......

[pounds on table, gasps for air, wipes tear from eye] ROFLMFAO!

---

Ops

I just rememered I am blonde and a lady ;-)))))
and married,,, dohhh

---

......In Space No One Can Hear You Scream......

The Roots of Birth Control

For those with No children-this is totally hysterical! For those who
already have children past this age, this is hilarious. For those who
have children of this age, this is not funny. For those who have
children nearing this age, this is a warning. For those who have not
yet had children, this is a reason to think about birth control.

Things I've learned from my Children (honest & no kidding)

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft.
house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with
rollerblades, they can ignite.

3. A 3yr. old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong
enough to rotate a 42lb. boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman
cape. However, it is strong enough if tied to a paint can, to spread
paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When
using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few
times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by
a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and then the words "uh oh," it's already
too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, lots of it.

9. A 6 year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 56yr. old
man says they can only do that in the movies.

10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4yr. old.

11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't
walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show
they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably don't want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not
like ovens.

20. The local fire department has a 5-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms
dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful. One day the first grade
teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her
class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was
trying to get the building materials for his home. She read,
"And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of
straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw
to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class,
"And what do you think that man said?" One little boy raised his
hand and said, "I think he said...'Holy crap! A talking pig!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

25. 60% of the men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake
fluid.


Ziggy

---

Sorry Zig - can't go past # 10 - too light headed ...
ow

ow...

thunk

[ADDENDUM]
Ow... my sides split...

---

> 25. 60% of the men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake
> fluid.
>
>
> Ziggy
>

I will not...

---

I'd rather speak my mind because it hurts too much to bite my tongue.

American Spirit BBQ Proudly Serving those that courageously defend freedom.

HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU'RE READY FOR KIDS?

MESS TEST:
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind
the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST:
Obtain a 55 gallon drum of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks).
Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold.
Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this
would wake a child at night.

GROCERY STORE TEST:
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you
as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST:
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag
making sure that all the arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST:
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water.
Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging.
Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the
jug, while pretending to be an airplane.
Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST:
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds
of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00pm. begin to waltz and
hum with the bag until 9:00pm. Lay down your bag and set your alarm
for 10:00pm. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have
ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00am.
Set alarm for 5:00am. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5yrs. Look cheerful.

INGENUITY TEST:
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it
into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an
attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil.
Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa
Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

AUTOMOBILE TEST:
Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone
and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick
it into the CD player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip
cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides
of the car. There, perfect.

PHYSICAL TEST (Women):
Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes.
Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.

PHYSICAL TEST (Men):
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter.
Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store.
Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly
deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper.
Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
========================================================================

Hey, believe me. I really do love kids.

Ziggy

---

> > 25. 60% of the men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake
> > fluid.
> >
> >
> > Ziggy
> >
>
> I will not...
>
>
>

Damn!, I don't have a car, CW, can I borrow yours ?- Oh wait, I don't have clorox either !!

---

> > > 25. 60% of the men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and
> brake
> > > fluid.
> > >
> > >
> > > Ziggy
> > >
> >
> > I will not...
> >
> >
> >
>
> Damn!, I don't have a car, CW, can I borrow yours ?- Oh wait, I don't have
> clorox either !!
>

NO!!! (I have kids too)

---

I'd rather speak my mind because it hurts too much to bite my tongue.

American Spirit BBQ Proudly Serving those that courageously defend freedom.

Cow Economics Redux
(including the now obligatory reference to California Happy Cows.
Skip to the end, if you are from Wisconsin, or can't wait.)

DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both
to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow,
which was a gift from your government.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other,
pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized
and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an
ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer,
give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

A TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
Then you kill them and claim a U.S. bomb blew them up while they were in the
hospital.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go in hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who like the brown one best,
vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which
is the best-looking cow.

NEW YORK CORPORATION
You have fifteen million cows.
You have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd,
so you pick some fat cow from Arkansas.

CALIFORNIA HAPPY COWS
Crowd herd of happy fun loving cows into a small dirt lot.
Feed cows weeds.
Hire Hollywood to show commercial of HAPPY COWS in green pastures.
Smoke weed left over from cow feeding.
Make millions selling "HAPPY CHEESE."

=======================================================

Don't stop me now. I'm on a roll.
Ziggy

---

Types of computer viruses:



Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

Airline virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

Anita Hill virus: Lies dormant for ten years.

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

The MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

Bill Clinton virus: This virus mutates from region to region and we're not exactly sure what it does.

Bill Clinton virus: Promises to give equal time to all processes: 50% to poor, slow processes; 50% to middle-class processes, and 50% to rich ones. This virus protests your computer's involvement in other computer's affairs, even though it has been having one of its own for 12 years.

Congressional Virus: Overdraws your computer.

Congressional Virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

Dan Quayle virus: Prevents your system from spawning any child processes without joining into a binary network.

Dan Quayle virus: Simplye addse ane ee toe everye worde youe typee..

David Duke virus: Makes your screen go completely white.

Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

Federal bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.

Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.

Gallup virus: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).

George Bush virus: Doesn't do anything, but you can't get rid of it until November.

Government economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

Jerry Brown virus: Blanks your screen and begins flashing an 800 number.

Madonna virus: If your computer gets this virus, lock up your dog!

Mario Cuomo virus: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

Michael Jackson virus: Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car.

New World Order virus: probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

Nike virus: Just Does It!

Ollie North virus: Turns your printer into a document shredder.

Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

Pat Buchanan virus: Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen.

Paul Revere virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C:.

Paul Tsongas virus: Pops up on December 25 and says, "I'm not Santa Claus."

PBS virus: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.

Politically correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism".

Richard Nixon virus: Also known as the "Tricky Dick Virus", you can wipe it out but it always makes a comeback.

Right To Life virus: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.

Ross Perot virus: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.

Ted Kennedy virus: Crashes your computer but denies it ever happened.

Ted Turner virus: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

Terry Randle virus: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.

Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

UK Parliament virus: Splits the screen into two with a message in each half blaming other side for the state of the system.

Warren Commission virus: Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years.

---

Account frozen...

> NEW YORK CORPORATION
> You have fifteen million cows.
> You have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd,
> so you pick some fat cow from Arkansas.
>

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh that was ugly tooo... Funny but ugly!!!!!

---

I'd rather speak my mind because it hurts too much to bite my tongue.

American Spirit BBQ Proudly Serving those that courageously defend freedom.

From my cat's Diary I found....

I think I'm in real trouble... This is what I discovered..

Day 752 -
my captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occassional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

Day 761 -
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

Day 762 -
Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

Day 765 -
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm.... Not working according to plan.

Day 768 -
I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo". What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

Day 771 -
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary througout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of allergies. Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

Day 774 -
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and may be snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to molespeak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move.

Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait. It is only a matter of time..........

---

<P><img src="http://www.boincstats.com/stats/banner.php?cpid=238ddad47f63f1185a46ceb1767c8935">

Long Island Cow, Inc. - Suffolk Co.
You have two cows - One to steer while the other yacks on a cellphone.

Long Island Cow, Inc. - Nassau Co.
You have a cow after being hit by an SUV whose driver was steering and yacking at the same time.

Ghouliani Cows, Ltd.
You have three cows. Start by milking the third cow.
The first cow poops. The poop stinks. You stink about the poop to the point where you milk it.
The second cow eats grass. The grass is evenly trimmed by the cow. Scream "Holy cow!" from the bleachers. Milk the victory with a parade.
The third cow's milk has turned into yoghurt. Wait until it stinks worse than the first cow's poop. Kill the first and third cows, and blame it on "butchers". Slaughter second cow for a cheeseburger. Milk the "tragic events" to the press.

Don't stop me now. I'm on a roll.
Go, go, go!

---

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world today, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed recently. Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in, and then the trouble started......

---

[b]WHY IT'S GREAT TO BE A MAN

One mood - ALL the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be president.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.

You never have to drive to another gas station because
this one's just too icky.

Same work ... more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

The world is your urinal.

You don't have to line up for the toilet. Except at the Super Bowl at
half-time.

You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments; the
world is your dressing room.

Wedding Dress: $5000 - Tux rental: about a hundred bucks

People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with:
"So, notice anything different?"

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.

You can leave the motel bed unmade.

You can kill your own food.

You get extra credit for even the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still
be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

Everything on your head and face stays its original color.

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from any of the seats.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.

You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever
thinking: "He must be mad at me."

You don't mooch off of other's desserts.

You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, not only do you
have something to talk about, you just might become lifelong friends.

Other than black and white, you are not expected to know the names of more
than five colors.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

You never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You don't have to shave below your neck.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives,
on December 24, in 45 minutes.

---