Bad Joke Thread

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Profile Carlos
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Message 1698328 - Posted: 4 Jul 2015, 1:26:18 UTC

I don't recall if we ever did this before, but thought I would start something. Any joke, good or so bad it's good is ok. Let avoid race, sexual preference, religion (unless its about a rabbi, priest and lawyer). Here is one so bad I just had to share it.

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
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Message 1698350 - Posted: 4 Jul 2015, 3:23:01 UTC

Two guys walk into a bar.
Third guy ducks.

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Message 1698361 - Posted: 4 Jul 2015, 4:30:27 UTC

Why does a chicken coop have two doors?




If it had four, it would be a sedan.
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Message 1698533 - Posted: 4 Jul 2015, 21:44:06 UTC

A guy walks into a bar and says "ouch".

It was an iron bar.

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Message 1698563 - Posted: 4 Jul 2015, 23:35:53 UTC

Two pieces of string walk into a bar and the bartender looks at them suspiciously. He says "Sorry, boys, we don't serve your kind here." So the pieces of string walk out again.

They're sitting in the gutter outside and feeling really thirsty when one piece of string says, "Hey! I've got an idea to get me into the bar."

So he starts twisting and turning, wriggling this way and that, pulling out a few threads here and there. His friend, looking at him, thinks he has gone completely nuts.

Then the first piece of string walks back into the bar. The bartender looks at him a little suspiciously again and says "Hey, you're not a bit of string, are you?"

The piece of string replies "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."
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Message 1698643 - Posted: 5 Jul 2015, 12:38:32 UTC

Angela, that is one that I tell in a slightly diffrent version. Here's a question for you.

What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?


If you have bird flu, you need tweetment.
If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.
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Message 1698653 - Posted: 5 Jul 2015, 12:59:43 UTC - in response to Message 1698643.  

Angela, that is one that I tell in a slightly diffrent version. Here's a question for you.

What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?


If you have bird flu, you need tweetment.
If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.

Oh dear:) In Gothenburg in Sweden they do these jokes all the time.
Two And A Half Glenn.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4vpxHuYT8u4
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Message 1698699 - Posted: 5 Jul 2015, 16:22:47 UTC
Last modified: 5 Jul 2015, 16:25:23 UTC

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Message 1698757 - Posted: 5 Jul 2015, 19:16:39 UTC

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Message 1698773 - Posted: 5 Jul 2015, 20:41:38 UTC

A man calls a lawyer and asks: "How much would you charge me to answer three questions?"
Lawyer: "Four hundred dollars."
Man: "That's a lot of money isn't it?"
Lawyer: "I guess so. What's your third question?"
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Message 1698778 - Posted: 5 Jul 2015, 20:43:58 UTC

What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?
Someone who lies awake all night wondering if there really is a Dog.
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Message 1698782 - Posted: 5 Jul 2015, 20:47:08 UTC

The slave driver of the Roman galleon leered down at his galley slaves and bellowed,
"I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you'll be getting double rations tonight."

The murmuring of the surprised slaves was interrupted by the bellows of the slave driver.
"The bad news is that the commander's son wants to water ski."
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Message 1698785 - Posted: 5 Jul 2015, 20:49:03 UTC

A graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with a liberal arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
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Message 1698787 - Posted: 5 Jul 2015, 20:54:02 UTC

Did you hear about the new restaurant that just opened up on the moon?
Good food, but no atmosphere.

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Message 1698827 - Posted: 6 Jul 2015, 0:01:18 UTC

Do know what they call the undead in railroad terms? A Locomotive...
The T1 Trust, PRR T1 Class 4-4-4-4 #5550, 1 of America's First HST's
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Message 1698829 - Posted: 6 Jul 2015, 0:03:13 UTC - in response to Message 1698827.  

Do know what they call the undead in railroad terms? A Locomotive...

I don't get it.
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Message 1698847 - Posted: 6 Jul 2015, 0:58:45 UTC - in response to Message 1698829.  

Do know what they call the undead in railroad terms? A Locomotive...

I don't get it.

The demand is so great for locomotives, that even a dead locomotive will be brought back to life... The factories at EMD and GE can't make new ones fast enough...
The T1 Trust, PRR T1 Class 4-4-4-4 #5550, 1 of America's First HST's
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Message 1698876 - Posted: 6 Jul 2015, 3:05:18 UTC

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Message 1698962 - Posted: 6 Jul 2015, 13:08:35 UTC

SMART ARSE ANSWER 6
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
"What are my choices?" the man asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.


SMART ARSE ANSWER 5
A lady was picking through the frozen Chickens at a Woolworths store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, "Do these chickens get any bigger?"
The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead."

SMART ARSE ANSWER 4
The policeman got out of his car and the Teenager he stopped for speeding rolled down his window
"I've been waiting for you all day," the Cop said
The kid replied, "Well I got here as fast as I could."
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ARSE ANSWER 3
A lorry driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read " Low Bridge Ahead"
Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.
Cars were backed up for miles. Finally, a police car arrived.
The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to the driver, "Got stuck, eh?"
The lorry driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of diesel!"

SMART ARSE ANSWER 2
A teacher at West Australian University reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam..
"Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack, a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-arsed teenager at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, "Well, I would expect you to write the exam with your other hand."



SMART ARSE ANSWER OF THE YEAR
Telephone rings, woman answers.
Pervert, breathing heavily, says,
"I bet you have a tight arse with no hair?"
Woman replies, "Yes, I have. He's watching the rugby....
Who shall I say is calling?"
Happy Crunching,

Graham

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Message 1698963 - Posted: 6 Jul 2015, 13:11:06 UTC
Last modified: 6 Jul 2015, 13:11:55 UTC

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about , 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he
poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak
in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he
dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided
to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.


He whirled around and screamed,

'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'
Happy Crunching,

Graham

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