Tigger is eating now what might be her last supper.
She is so weak now that her entrance to the kitty bowl is labored.
But at least she has had her dinner. And it does me good to see her have some food now.

My life is never going to be the same without her by my side.

God bless Tigger.

---

"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster

I think it's almost time for Tigger to go.
She is sitting here on my chest. Very contented, and ..her eyes are big and bright, and yet she seems confused at times and stares at me blankly.
She is still grooming herself...that is a good sign.

She is somehow more vibrant than I have ever seen her.
Loving my every touch. Her tail twitching.
She is going out, and this is how I shall always remember her.

I have never seen such eyes as those she shines at me tonight.
Tigger is showing me her last bit of love she has to give.

Cancer has taken her from me, and I cannot quite describe the grief that I feel.

She is only a shadow of a kitty now. I will have to send her on her journey to the bridge tomorrow. She is just so full of life right now, it is impossible for me to consider it at this moment.

She has jumped up on the back of the couch and sits there nuzzling my neck.
This cat loves me like no other ever has. She is a cat among Gods. And I shall never forget these moments.

---

"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster

Dear kitty just clawed me ferociously.
She was wandering about, I picked her up, and she tore my forehead wide open.
And I was very gentle with her.

Good thing she missed my eyes.

This is no longer my Tigger gurl.
I have blood running down my face now.
I do not know why she did that.
Maybe she does not either.
I am so forlorn now.

She still loves me...I can see that in her eyes.
It was just a moment of panic that caused her to claw me.
She just suddenly did not know where she was or what was happening.
And so she lashed out at me in panic.
And I forgive her.

I need to find the strength to do what I have to do now.
She is in panic mode now. She is very scared and does not know what to do.
Time for kitty to go to the bridge.

I am not angry at her. I understand her pain now. She is in fear and I love her so much that I must release her from that pain. As much as it might hurt myself, I must.

---

"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster

Good news.
I just carried Tigger to the kitchen and she now is actually EATING her kitty food.
I am trying to fry up a pizza to further sustain my own energies.

It is a wonderful thing to see Tigger eating SOMETHING.
She attacked it with vigor. And ate half a bowl full.
And now retreats back to the kitty tower.
And her eyes have never been larger that now.
Large and abundant with life.

Cats are reputed to have 9 lives. This one is on about her 50th.

The force is strong with this one.
She is NOT going out without a fierce fight for her life.
This is a most amazing kitty.

---

"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster

And Purrball just walked into the crunching den to say hello to me.

Which she has not done for like, ten years.
I mean, like NEVER.

I think kitty knows I need her help.

Cats are so seriously tuned to their owner's lives that I am quite sure that God above sent them here for us.

Purrball just walked back in....and suddenly, Bandit followed her.
Bandit has never ever come into the living room before this moment.

I mean, in her almost 15 year kitty existence, she never ventured here.
Not to mean she did not get around, but just not into the living room where I always am. Never once.

I think they are trying to tell me something. There is something very wrong in the kitty continuum. \\\\\

---

"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster

Not good here.

My forehead is starting to swell where Tigger swiped it.
It hurts when I try to open my eyes.

Not a pretty sight.

Meowsigh.

---

"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster

Not good here.

My forehead is starting to swell where Tigger swiped it.
It hurts when I try to open my eyes.

Not a pretty sight.

Meowsigh.

Maybe you need to get that looked at please? An infection at this time will be bad for your beautiful cats (and you).

Vibes

---

Not good here.

My forehead is starting to swell where Tigger swiped it.
It hurts when I try to open my eyes.

Not a pretty sight.

Meowsigh.

Maybe you need to get that looked at please? An infection at this time will be bad for your beautiful cats (and you).

Vibes

+1

---

The T1 Trust, PRR T1 Class 4-4-4-4 #5550, 1 of America's First HST's

I put some Neosporin on it and it is calming down now.
Not deep enough to require stitches.
I thank you for your concern though.
Tigger is back to snuggle mode on my chest.

---

"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster

A little Tigger update.......

I did coax Tigger to the kitchen and she did eat some dinner tonight at least.
That is all I can hope for at this point.
And I swear to you all that other than losing some weight, she is NOT suffering yet in the slightest.
She continues to amaze both myself and her vet.

I am very in tune with her every action and reaction.
And as her caretaker, I remain vigilant for any signs of distress.

She remains a very contented, loving, and dedicated companion.
She is sleeping on the waterbed now, nestled between Bandit and Purrball.
And when I go to bed later, I am sure she shall once again scramble upon my chest, give me a nose bump or two, and sleep the sleep of a very happy cat.
This has made sleep very difficult for ME to get, as I generally cannot sleep on my back, but rather on one side or the other.

But I certainly am not going to put my needs above hers right now. If that is what makes her happy at this time, that is what she is going to have. I cannot deny her anything at this stage in her life. I owe her nothing less.

Meowsigh,
Mark

---

"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster

Mark, with all respect to your cats.

You have been with this project for 16 years or so, beating me with almost three years.

Why not do as I am doing, namely thinking more about myself instead?

Here where I am living, there is no cheap number to dial when in a need or an emergency.

Assumedly it is not "eskimo land" either, but definitely there are always some silly people around.

I was on a holiday or vacation with my parents to Rhodes or Rhodos, Greece a couple of years ago.

Like Belgium, my currency is supposed to be more worth or valuable, but still money was pouring out of the pocket when shopping.

When sitting down for the evening dinner, We were being attacked by some large insects that even the Greek native serving us the dinner was not able to comprehend and it became a big nuisance.

Most likely these animals found their way from the sand dunes of the Sahara desert and for now I do not know anything more.

Also I was able to watch what was most likely Antares in the constellation Scorpius during the night, which was not completely dark.

Only being located low in the sky, the rest of it became guesswork, since I did not have neither binoculars or any charts at hand.

Edit: Should be OK.

Uhhh...got a digit wrong there.
I am going on 16 years this coming July.
Not 26....LOL.

Tigger II, Bandit, and Purrball were born on September 17th of 2001.
I joined the Seti project on July 9th in the year of our Lord 2000.

So I have been doing Seti for as long as the kitties have been on this earth.
I guess that is something special in itself. The lifetime of a cat doing Seti.
And I suppose I should thank the Lord that so far, Bandit and Purrball are still fat and sassy at their age.

Meow.

---

"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster

You know, Mark.

When my grandmother (on my mothers side) passed away some 28 or 29 years ago, I was probably slightly too young or immature to catch or grasp it all.

But she became the mother of 5 children, of which one perished probably in 1944 from cancer, which I will get back at below.

The youngest child and only male, chose to do his business with cars and later lorries when becoming a grown up and looking for a business on his own.

I happen to remember the 15 ton double wheeler standing in front of the house I was living in, together with my grandparents living upstairs in a house built of brick and concrete from scratch using only hands.

When being a child, you do not always reflect on the mood of some people.

Not being on my mind when out shopping, this is coming back at me right now and she is being missed as the one she was.

For now I do not recall her appearance or personality. It may perhaps be found in some black and white photographs most likely in the possession of my parents.

The fact is that you should most likely be thankful for more rather than less things. Still we are most likely supposed to be more concerned about those things which supposedly are not always going our own way.

I am simply a wreck right now.
Don't want to eat, cannot sleep.
This is taking a toll on ME that I hope I can one day recover from.
I perhaps may need some professional help to get over this....dunno yet.
My mind is wound way too tight, and if I am not able to relax it, something is gonna snap hard and fast.

That being said, the conversations I have here on Seti DO help so very much.
So many of you are more than believably understanding.
Even Lori is not quite able to understand. We had a good conversation tonight, and she is trying to be as supportive as it is possible for her to do.

Trust me, and have no doubts....
I am NOT getting suicidal over this, as much as my grief wants to overtake me.

This might be hard for some of you to understand, but even the suicide of my brother years ago did NOT hit me this hard. Maybe it's because I am older and some things have become more dear to me over the years. Maybe it's because back then, it did not just register and I went into denial over it. A self protective mode fired up.

I am not so protected these days.
I wish somehow that I could just go to sleep and not awake for several years.....maybe by then the pain might have subsided.

I do even now, have some thoughts about visiting the shelter and adopting another cat after Tigger passes. It might take me a while.

She shall be buried in my back yard next to Squirrel. I hope the neighbors do not witness my sobbing as I do so. She shall be wrapped in a cozy blanket, just as Squirrel was. And I trust she will be with the Lord above as he carries her to the Rainbow Bridge.

---

"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster

This is getting soooooooooooooo hard.
I am torn between what is right or wrong for Tigger....for TIGGER.

For the last few days, she has been on an upswing. Eating better, more energetic, more bright and more bouncy. I was enjoying her better days.

Tonight, I got home from work in a massive snowstorm. Went to greet Tigger. She popped right up and started to meow for some dinner, which I went to the kitchen and prepared. Carried her down to the kitchen, and she ate rather well again. I smiled at her.

When she was done, she again raced back to the bedroom and her kitty tower perch.
I went to pet her for eating like such a good kitty, and saw something that made my heart stop. She has scratched a dime sized hole in her neck. OMG.

I know I am going to get opinions one way and the other on this, but after an hour or so of heart wrenching....here is what I have decided to do.

I am going to try to get through the blizzard tomorrow morning to get to a store to get some super glue....this is no joke. They use super glue type adhesives for surgical closures. I actually did this 3 or 4 years ago with Squirrel, and it worked very well.
I had accidentally (and COMPLETELY sober, so don't EVEN think it) when clipping some knots out of Squirrels fur, misjudged and cut a similar dime sized hole in her skin. I got some super glue, pinched the edges shut, and glued kitty back together. It worked purrfectly. And she healed without further ado.

I know Tigger's situation is different, but I have to try to save her for whatever her kitty lives have left in her. And her behavior and demeanor over the last few days lead me to believe she is STILL NOT ready to go from this world. I could not forgive myself if I did not try to close the wound and give her yet another chance.

Please understand that I have Tigger's best interests at heart in everything I still do for her. If I can close that up and give her another week or two or three or whatever the Lord above wills, I have to try it.

If I had not seen her neck tonight and gone to bed, I would have had no clue whatsoever by her behavior that anything was amiss. In fact, she seemed happier than recently at her dinner and my petting. Her spirit is still amazing, and I have to try to give her every chance I can to live out every minute of her life.

I know some will say I am doing this only for myself. I am not. I am secondary here.
When I see kitty acting the way she still does, I know she still has something special within her.

And I hope you can understand my being quite torn between letting her go, doing it too soon, and doing all I possibly can for her. I believe I am making the right choice.....for Tigger II.

Look, I have done everything I can for every kitty that I have ever shared life with.

The original Tigger, I kept alive for 9 months with subQ fluids every day in her back until she succumbed to a stroke and her kidney disease.
I nursed Squirrel for several years with hyperthyroid drugs every day until she finally passed of old age.
And I am NOT about to let Tigger II go without giving her the benefit of every bit of medicine and care I can give HER as well.
I am not a man who tosses a kitty out the window when they become either too expensive or too troublesome to care for.

Any prayers you can send for both myself and Tigger would be sincerely appreciated.

Meowthanks.

---

"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster

And...
A couple of rays of sunshine through the pain.

I had two interactions with coworkers today that uplifted me just a little bit.

1. I had gone upstairs to the tool crib to get a couple of new batteries for our drills that were going bad. I asked the gurl that was in charge where I could get them, she unlocked the cabinet, gave me the batteries, and I said thank you very much, and turned to walk back to the shop floor. She suddenly said..........
"You do not smile much, when you do, nice I see." I told her that I have a lot on my mind lately and that is why I don't smile much. She asked why, and I told her about Tigger II.
She is of Hmong decent, so she speaks in fewer words than some of us.
Your kitty, love her much, I see. You lose child and so you cry. And then she hugged me as I sobbed on her shoulder.
And as I left she said...Kitty be OK. She happier when she find peace. You please be OK too.
You find new kitty to bring happy back. You see.

2. My big burly work partner saw me come back with the batteries with tears running down my face.....
HE says...hey man, are you OK??? I explained. He then told me about some pet losses he had experienced. And HE got a bit emotional.
And then abruptly said...hey...we better get back to work. His way of saying he was getting close to losing it as well.

It was very good getting some kind thoughts from others close to me that have experienced what I am going through and are not ashamed to admit it.
This day, although painful, was helpful as well.

Meowsigh.

---

"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster

It was a very long and difficult day of work for me today.

Tigger II will be making her forever vet appointment tomorrow morning.
I will post more tomorrow.

Meowcry.

---

"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster

What surprises even myself is that....

I can be quite stoic and realistic about life and love of cats most of the time.
Not to the point of being cynical about it, but I can be realistic and tell myself that life is a circle..yada yada yada.

And yet, when it comes down to the single point of the reality of what I have to do in the morning for Tigger, it all breaks down.

I have sent an email to the vets.
Telling them I am bringing Tigger in for her forever visit.

I know that they are very supportive, but I am not sure they are going to be ready for my grief.

Tigger II is still restive, but I inspected further tonight and she has to move on. The little wound on her neck is not big, but.......
Life ending. As if her cancer was not the end point.

Tigger II has had a wonderful, much loved life. And she has given much back in return. Without asking for anything more than a bowl of kibble and a loving hand. That time has ended now, and I have to admit it.

I am taking a cab with Tigger to the vet's office tomorrow morning, because I am drinking to salve my soul tonight. I know no other way to try to bolster my courage.

You can call me anything you want, but, please know that I have loved Tigger II for over 14 years and this is a very hard thing for me to accept.

I have afforded her every bit of care and affection I possibly could, and now I have to 'let her go'.

Easy for some to say, but impossible for some to fathom. At least it is for me.

When the 3 littermate sister kitties came into my life almost 15 years ago, I knew I would care for them forever. And Tigger's 'forever' has now come to an end.

I hope you all shall try at least to understand what I am going through.

God bless, and kitty kisses to you all.

Mark

---

"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster

Tigger II has returned to me far more than I have given her.
And now that her life is drawing to a close.........I have to struggle to try to acknowledge that her life was all just a part of a plan.

What plan I do not know.

I acknowledge my life as a Christian.
That means, to me, that I like to think I live a life that somehow returns to life something that Christ Jesus represented.

I have failed mostly in that attempt.

If you wish me to go on about just why, I should do it in a dedicated thread.

---

"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster

It is time.
The cab ride is on the way./
Tigger is in the carrier.
Just a few minutes now.

---

"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster