I Want to Buy That
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"

---

LETS BEGIN IN 2010

Are You Really Sure?
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

---

LETS BEGIN IN 2010

TOOL TIME

DRILL PRESS:
A tall, upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned callouses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, c**p!"

SKILSAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:
Used to round-off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood blisters.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija Board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power tool primarily ujsed by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips-style screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removeable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the opbject we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

"S.O.B." TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling, "S*n of a b**ch!" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

---

Thank you Mike.......that was grand.

---

"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom had a terrible bicycle accident, and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congrgation as they imagined the pain Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord Tom is out of the hospital, and the doctors say that with time his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom."

The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife that the word is 'sternum'."

---

Money isn't everything but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

---

LETS BEGIN IN 2010

Computers According to Seuss

[breathe in]

If a Packet Hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

[breathe in]

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
then the situation's hopeless and your systems gonna crash!

[breathe in]

If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

[breathe in]

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
and the microcode instructions cause unnecessary Risk,
then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom.

---

Bob Hill and his wife Betty were vacationing in Europe. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly the car skid out of control! Bob attempted to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerved and smashed into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shook his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looked over at the passenger seat and saw his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knew he had to get her medical assistance.

Bob carefully picked his wife up and began trudging down the road. After a short while, he saw a light. He headed towards the light, which was coming from a large, old house. He approached the door and knocked.

A minute passed. A small, hunched man opened the door. Bob immediately blurted, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. May I please use your phone?"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!" Bob brought his wife in.

An older man came down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picked up Betty and carried her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor placed Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapsed from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor placed Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looked worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master worked feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill were no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbed the steps to his conservatory, which housed his grand piano, for it was there that he had always found solace. He began to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody filled the house.

Meanwhile, Igor was still in the lab tidying up. His eyes caught movement, and he noticed the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watched as Bob's arm began to rise, marking the beat! He was further amazed as Betty and Bob both sat up straight!

Unable to contain himself, he dashed up the stairs to the conservatory.

He burst in and shouted to his master: "Master, Master! ..... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"

---

BOINC Wiki . . .

Science Status Page . . .

John Hurt walks into a bar, with that alien emerging from his chest. The bartender asks, "What's gotten into you?"

---

LETS BEGIN IN 2010

<Mandatory groan!>

Bob Hill and his wife Betty were vacationing in Europe. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly the car skid out of control! Bob attempted to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerved and smashed into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shook his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looked over at the passenger seat and saw his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knew he had to get her medical assistance.

Bob carefully picked his wife up and began trudging down the road. After a short while, he saw a light. He headed towards the light, which was coming from a large, old house. He approached the door and knocked.

A minute passed. A small, hunched man opened the door. Bob immediately blurted, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. May I please use your phone?"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!" Bob brought his wife in.

An older man came down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picked up Betty and carried her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor placed Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapsed from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor placed Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looked worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master worked feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill were no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbed the steps to his conservatory, which housed his grand piano, for it was there that he had always found solace. He began to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody filled the house.

Meanwhile, Igor was still in the lab tidying up. His eyes caught movement, and he noticed the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watched as Bob's arm began to rise, marking the beat! He was further amazed as Betty and Bob both sat up straight!

Unable to contain himself, he dashed up the stairs to the conservatory.

He burst in and shouted to his master: "Master, Master! ..... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"

---

This one gave me a chuckle......


THE HAIRCUT

A young boy had just received his driver's permit and asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son. 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B Average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car.'

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, I've been real proud.
You brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm real disappointed you didn't get your hair cut.'

The young man paused a moment then said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair.'


To this his father replied, 'Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?'

---

"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster

An old, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man.

'There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!'

NOT ALL SENIORS HAVE LOST THEIR MARBLES!!!

---

I am sure most of you know about Tiger Woods and his recent SUV accident from the news.
Sooooooooooo.....you knew these had to be coming.


Top Ten new Tiger Woods Jokes....


Ten:
Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.

Nine:
Tiger Woods wasn't seriously injured in the crash. He's still below par though.

Eight:
Apparently, Tiger admitted this crash was the closest shave he’s ever had. So Gillette has dropped his contract.

Seven:
This is the first time Tiger’s ever failed to drive 300 yards.

Six:
Perhaps Tiger should be using a driver?

Five:
Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn’t decide between a wood and an iron.

Four:
What was Tiger Woods doing out at 2.30 in the morning? He'd gone clubbing.

Three:
Tiger Woods was injured in a car accident as he pulled out of his driveway early Friday morning. It was Woods' shortest drive since an errant tee shot at the US Open.

Two:
What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.

And the number One new Tiger Woods joke is:
Apparently, the only person who can beat Tiger Woods with a golf club is his wife.

---

"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster

I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.

---

LETS BEGIN IN 2010

Two good ol' boys in a Tennessee trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off of work at their local Nissan plant.

After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even."

---

"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music.



This ITit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.



This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

---

"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster

Save the whales: collect the whole set

---

LETS BEGIN IN 2010

What do you call Santa's little helpers?

- Subordinate Clauses

How many astronomers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to change the bulb and the other to complain about the light pollution.