Oh No I have been Caught!!

I give up, Don't shoot!

---

The T1 Trust, PRR T1 Class 4-4-4-4 #5550, 1 of America's First HST's

Cat Owls

---

LETS BEGIN IN 2010

On a Plumber's truck:

'We repair what your husband fixed.'

---

LETS BEGIN IN 2010

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:

'Invite us to your next blowout

---

LETS BEGIN IN 2010

At an Optometrist's Office:

'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'

---

LETS BEGIN IN 2010

On a Taxidermist's window:

'We really know our stuff.'

---

LETS BEGIN IN 2010

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:

'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay

---

LETS BEGIN IN 2010

In a Restaurant window:

'Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.'

---

LETS BEGIN IN 2010

Banned From Wal-Mart
________________________________________
This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - she loved to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Smith,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Smith are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least...

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

---

Texas Chili (ADULT RATED)
________________________________________
If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. This is (supposedly) an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in New Mexico .
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.

For those of you who have lived in New Mexico , you know how true this is.. They actually have a Chile Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chile taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL .

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting New Mexico:

"Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: "A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick."
JUDGE TWO: "Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild."
FRANK: "Holy smokes, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These hicks are crazy."

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: "Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang."
JUDGE TWO: "Exciting BBQ flavor needs more peppers to be taken seriously."
FRANK: "S**t! Keep this away from the children! I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line."

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: "Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans."
JUDGE TWO: "A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers."
FRANK: "This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA; I've located a uranium spill! My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest."

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: "Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing."
JUDGE TWO: "Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili."
FRANK: "I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills to save me the run."

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: "Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive."
JUDGE TWO: "Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement."
FRANK: "My ears are ringing, and I can't focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming."

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: "Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers."
JUDGE TWO: "The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb."
FRANK: "My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally."

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: "A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers."
JUDGE TWO: "Very Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress."
FRANK: "You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Thank God! At autopsy they'll know what killed me. Have decided to stop breathing, too painful, not getting any oxygen anyway."

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: "A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence."
JUDGE TWO: "This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself."
FRANK: ------- (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

---

At a Towing company:

'We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.'

---

LETS BEGIN IN 2010

Outside a Muffler Shop:

'No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.'

---

LETS BEGIN IN 2010

In Hell:

'The Devil is in the details and He doesn't want Your bodies. He wants Your Soul, It's more portable.'

---

The T1 Trust, PRR T1 Class 4-4-4-4 #5550, 1 of America's First HST's

In a Podiatrist's office:

'Time wounds all heels.'

---

LETS BEGIN IN 2010

At a Propane Filling Station:

'Thank heaven for little grills.'

---

LETS BEGIN IN 2010

This is not a "true story", but because of its idiocy, is hilarious nonetheless:

Dear Carl,

Last weekend I was at Larry's Pistol & Pawn looking for a little something special for my wife, Renee. I came across a 100,000-volt pocket taser. Its disabling effect on an assailant was described as short-lived, with no long-term consequences, but would allow my wife--who would never consider a gun--adequate time to retreat to safety.

WAY TOO COOL!!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed, but then I read (yes, I read the instructions) that if I pressed the taser against a metal surface and pushed the button at the same time, I'd see a blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs, to verify that it was working.

Awesome!!!

I have yet to explain to Renee that new burn spot on the face of her microwave.

There I was, home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? I sat there in my recliner, reading the directions, my cat Gracie looking on intently. Trusting little soul. I got to thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second. She is such a sweet cat, but if I was going to give this device to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So there I sat in shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant, a two-second burst would cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control, and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. A burst longer than three seconds would be a waste of batteries.

I'm sitting there alone, with Gracie looking on, her head cocked to one side as if to say, 'Don't do it.' But I was reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst, just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!

Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up from my recliner, and body slammed us both onto the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, tingling legs, nipples on fire, and testicles nowhere to be found.

SON-OF-A... That Hurt Like HELL!

If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, you should know that there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that taser until it is dislodged from your hand by your involuntary violent thrashing about on the floor.

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was relative at that point) I collected what wits I had left, sat up, and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there? My triceps, right thigh, and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it was shot up with Novocaine. My bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. And I'm still looking for my testicles!!

I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

Still in shock,

Jacob

---

At a Proctologist's door:

'To expedite your visit, please back in

---

LETS BEGIN IN 2010

A Marine shares a room
By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

"How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the Marine.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

---

Old enough to know better(but)still young enough not to care

Doctor to patient: "I'd tell you what your condition is, but I'm not sure how to pronounce it!"

---

LETS BEGIN IN 2010

HEE HAW HUMOR

---

LETS BEGIN IN 2010