A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here."

The string walks away a little upset and sits down with his friends. A few minutes later he goes back to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender, looking a little exasperated, says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve strings here."

So the string goes back to his table. Then he gets an idea. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. Then he walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.

The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?"

And the string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

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Old enough to know better(but)still young enough not to care

Steven Wright Humor


One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TVs all over the world.


I have a microwave fireplace in my house. The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.

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LETS BEGIN IN 2010

A guy walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Do you want to play a game? See those two rib-eyes nailed to the ceiling? You get to throw one dart. If you hit one, you get to take them home and I'll give you a free drink." The man says, "No thanks, the steaks are too high.

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LETS BEGIN IN 2010

A book walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Please, no stories!

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LETS BEGIN IN 2010

A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!"

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LETS BEGIN IN 2010

Henny Youngman Humor

I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.

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LETS BEGIN IN 2010

Oh....THAT Henny Youngman.....


A doctor says to a man, "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"

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"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster

Relative Jokes

My brother then opened a tall man's shop in Tokyo.

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LETS BEGIN IN 2010

State Mottos

Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Alaska: Jeez, it's cold.

Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat

Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything

California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda

Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedys Don't Own It Yet

Delaware: Everything is smaller here!

Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

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LETS BEGIN IN 2010

State Mottos

ndiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

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LETS BEGIN IN 2010

And then there's Rodney....

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

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"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster

Rodney Dangerfield Humor

She was so fat that when she got on the scale a card came out saying one at a time.

One night I asked a cabbie to take me where the action is, he took me to my house.

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LETS BEGIN IN 2010

A guy walks into A bar with A piece of tarmac under his arm, The Bartenders what will you have? A drink for me and one for the road!!

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LETS BEGIN IN 2010

In Living Color Wanda on the dating game

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LETS BEGIN IN 2010

Jim Carrey Background Guy 1

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LETS BEGIN IN 2010

Jim Carrey - Background Guy 3

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LETS BEGIN IN 2010

In Living Color - Dirty Dozens

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LETS BEGIN IN 2010

One day the variance and the standard deviation were engaged in a heated argument

over which was the better measure of variability . . .


The standard deviation shouted at the variance,

"You are useless because you don't even relate to the original score scale."

The variance glared back and yelled,

" Oh yeah! You are totally worthless because you are far too radical."

Just then the mean deviation stepped between the two indices and pushed them both back.



. . . In a proud voice the mean deviation proclaimed,

"You are both wrong! I am ABSOLUTELY the best measure of variability

since both of you would be worth ZERO if you didn't square your deviations!!!!"

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BOINC Wiki . . .

Science Status Page . . .

Two statues stood in a city park: one female and the other male. These statues faced each other for many years.
Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."

And with that command, the statues came to life. The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling, and twigs snapping.

After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling.

Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have fifteen minutes. Would you like to continue?"

The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"

Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head!"

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Old enough to know better(but)still young enough not to care

Signs You Have a Hangover

1 You're convinced that chirping birds are Satan's pets.
2 Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "stay still."
3 Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint.
4 You'd rather have a pencil jammed up your nose than be exposed to sunlight.
5 You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet.
6 You replace the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.
7 The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting, "Step right up and give it whirl!"
8 All day long your motto is, "Never again."
9 You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles around your bed.

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Old enough to know better(but)still young enough not to care