Interviewer:. . . just imagine your in 3rd floor, it caught fire and how will you escape?

Man: its simple. I will stop my imagination!!!

FUND-RAISING . . . Advt for raising funds for insuring it's astronauts

There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX

wE don't bEliEvE this to bE a CoinCidEnCE . . .

I know a woman that believes there is a hacker attacking her computer. Every time there is a problem, or she gets an error message she is convinced it is "the hacker" messing with her. Almost every day she tells me "The hacker made me lose my document" or "The hacker made my email return with a wrong address message" or "The hacker made Explorer freeze today" or "The hacker made Napster lose its connection today" or "The hacker made a floppy unreadable" or "The hacker made the printer jam."

She has even assumed her imaginary enemy has superhuman powers. When I tell her some of the things she says are impossible to do, she says, "He knows how to do it. He is a genius."

She is sure this guy exists, and he devotes enormous resources and several hours a day, seven days a week to the sole purpose of bothering her . . .

I know a woman that believes there is a hacker attacking her computer. Every time there is a problem, or she gets an error message she is convinced it is "the hacker" messing with her. Almost every day she tells me "The hacker made me lose my document" or "The hacker made my email return with a wrong address message" or "The hacker made Explorer freeze today" or "The hacker made Napster lose its connection today" or "The hacker made a floppy unreadable" or "The hacker made the printer jam."

She has even assumed her imaginary enemy has superhuman powers. When I tell her some of the things she says are impossible to do, she says, "He knows how to do it. He is a genius."

She is sure this guy exists, and he devotes enormous resources and several hours a day, seven days a week to the sole purpose of bothering her . . .

That same guy has been messing with me since I bought my first PC years ago. Should've bought a Mac.

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Account frozen...

There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX

You got it wrong Richard...

The only good thing to come out of France was the ferry back to England!!!

;))))))))) (as in Brian . . .) [buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz]

FUND-RAISING . . . Advt for raising funds for insuring it's astronauts

Hi Nobody - great Picture!

Now just imagine - on the pad, fuming gently and ready to lift off - A Saturn 5, painted all black, with golden letters down the side . . . .

"John Player Special"

Think they could have funded a Moon Colony that way?

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FUND-RAISING . . . Advt for raising funds for insuring it's astronauts

Hi Nobody - great Picture!

Now just imagine - on the pad, fuming gently and ready to lift off - A Saturn 5, painted all black, with golden letters down the side . . . .

"John Player Special"

Think they could have funded a Moon Colony that way?

oh boy . . . especially w/

right bElow the cockpit . . .

btw Bill - good to see you baCk on thE Boards . . . ;)

1st Person: 'Do you know anything about this fax-machine?'

2nd Person: 'A little. What's wrong?'

1st Person: 'Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say
all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the
same thing happened.'

2nd Person: 'How did you load the sheet?'

1st Person: 'It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else
to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it
and read it.'

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LETS BEGIN IN 2010

The Borg

Can Microsoft products stop the Borg?

"Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?"

"Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."

"What the hell is 'Microsoft'?"

"Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."

"But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"

"Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."

"Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea."

. . . 15 Minutes Later . . .

"Captain, We have successfully installed 'Windows' in the command unit and as expected, it immediately consumed 85% of all resources. We however have not received any confirmation of the expected 'upgrade'."

"Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."

"Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is something we have missed."

"Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'. Appearently, the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.

"Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."

"Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to zero!"

"Data, what does your scanners show?"

"Appearently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."

"Let's wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their functionality."

. . . Two Hours Pass . . .

"Geordi what's the status on the Borg?"

"As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'Windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.

"How much time will that buy us ?"

"Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours."

"Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."

"Identify."

"It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft' logo."

"THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR. SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS."

"The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."

"Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft."

"Good God, Captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits! How can they survive the tortures of deep space?!"

"I don't believe those are humans sir. If you look more closely, I believe you will see they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe-skin leather briefcases, and wearing Armani suits."

"Lawyers!!"

"It can't be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."

"True, but appearently some must have survived."

"They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers."

"I believe that is known in ancient venacular as 'red tape'. It often proves fatal."

"They're tearing the Borg to pieces!"

"Turn off the monitors. I can't stand to watch, not even the Borg deserve that."

What the?

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It's good to be back amongst friends and colleagues

What the? ;)))))))))))))) got iT eh ;)

'ere's ur breakfast (early Lunch) EGG *PLANT*

What would happen if Microsoft had designed the Ipod?

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Account frozen...

Abbott and Costello on Buying a Computer

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den, and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the names Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my names Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend office with windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office and it has windows! OK, lets just say, I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W."
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If its a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 and 4. Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great, with what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO; OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue "1."
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue "1."
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue "W"?
ABBOTT: The blue 1 is Real One and the blue W is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows"!
ABBOTT: No, just one. but its the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It Pretty much wiped out all the other Words.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even Part of Office.
COSTELLO: Stop! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled to my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!|


COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off??
ABBOTT: Click on "START"..........

Link only works if you visit the site once.

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BOINC WIKI

--If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon

One of Microsoft's finest tech's was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.


The Microsoft tech looked at his rifle and then at the target again. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand.

The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area:

"It's leaving here just fine. The trouble must be at your end!"