Ever struggled with exams...?!!

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A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables. The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!"


A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road."

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My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, Commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions.

Did you hear about the Irish goldfish....

it drowned.

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Ever struggled with exams...?!!

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flaming balloons

Whenever everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
If I ever have twins, I'd use one for parts.

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.

Always borrow money from pessimists. They don't expect it back.

The speed of time is one second per second.

I was once arrested for resisting arrest.

My father was a small claims court jester.

What's the youngest you can die of old age?

I have a fax machine with "fax waiting".

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I was skydiving horizontally.

I'm not afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths.

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LETS BEGIN IN 2010

Ever struggled with exams...?!!

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flaming balloons

Ever struggled with exams...?!!

Ahhh..this one must be from the new Maths GCSE syllabus.

I love your exam question answers..I have some somewhere from my own students, I'll see if I can find them.

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Reality Internet Personality

Ever struggled with exams...?!!

Ahhh..this one must be from the new Maths GCSE syllabus.

I love your exam question answers..I have some somewhere from my own students, I'll see if I can find them.

I'll look forward to seeing them. I think I should have started a new thread for these....

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flaming balloons

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

On my walls I have pictures of the rooms on the second floor, so I never have to go upstairs.

I bought some dehydrated water, but I don't know what to add to it.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for 5 minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "Right here, officer."

I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.

A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing [mimes steering wheel]? This steers it."

Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: "Do I know you?"

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

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LETS BEGIN IN 2010

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

A friend of mine actually got bored enough to try that experiment. The results were inconclusive. lol

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Air Cold, the blade stops;
from silent stone,
Death is preordained

Calm Chaos Forums : Everyone Welcome

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

A friend of mine actually got bored enough to try that experiment. The results were inconclusive. lol

Mythbusters did the buttered toast thing and it worked most of the time. It needs time to flip though, 2 feet is not always enough time.

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If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

A friend of mine actually got bored enough to try that experiment. The results were inconclusive. lol

Mythbusters did the buttered toast thing and it worked most of the time. It needs time to flip though, 2 feet is not always enough time.

I remember that episode....lol

I LOVE that show!!

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Air Cold, the blade stops;
from silent stone,
Death is preordained

Calm Chaos Forums : Everyone Welcome

used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning (picks up his glass of water from the stool). I like to live on the edge.

If you take a oriental and turn him around so he faces west, does he become disoriented?

I saw a want ad; "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends."

I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.

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My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, Commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions.

>>> >>I walked into a Blimbie's with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a
>>> >>sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little
>>> >>chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free". "They're already buy-
>>> >>one-get-one-free", she said, "so I guess they're both free".
>>> >>She handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door.
>>> >>
>>> >>They walk among us and many work retail.
>>> >>
>>> >> ===================
>>> >>
>>> >>One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when
>>> >>one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked
>>> >>up at the sky and said, "Where?"
>>> >>
>>> >>They Walk among us!
>>> >>
>>> >> ====================
>>> >>
>>> >>While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent
>>> >>which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want
>>> >>the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun
>>> >>rise in the north?"
>>> >>When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has
>>> >>for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up
>>> >>with that stuff."
>>> >>
>>> >>They Walk Among Us!!
>>> >>
>>> >> ====================
>>> >>
>>> >>I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day
>>> >>I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center
>>> >>was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a
>>> >>day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific
>>> >>time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."
>>> >>
>>> >>They Walk Among Us!
>>> >>
>>> >> ====================
>>> >>
>>> >>My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a
>>> >>seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.
>>> >>
>>> >>They Walk Among Us!
>>> >>
>>> >> ====================
>>> >>
>>> >>I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to
>>> >>the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never
>>> >>showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a
>>> >>trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me,
>>> >>"has your plane arrived yet?"
>>> >>
>>> >>They Walk Among Us!
>>> >>
>>> >> ====================
>>> >>
>>> >>While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small
>>> >>pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he
>>> >>would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some
>>> >>time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm
>>> >>hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."
>>> >>
>>> >>Yep, They Walk Among Us!
>>> >>
>>> >> ===================
>>> >>
>>> >>AND........ they reproduce!

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I Desire Peace and Justice, Jim Scott (Mod-Ret.)

Ever struggled with exams...?!!

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IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.

The reason: "too many deer were being hit by cars" and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.

This one was from Kingman, KS.

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.

She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce."

He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
And he was a Kansas City chef!

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge? To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?

He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

Happened in Birmingham, Ala.

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LETS BEGIN IN 2010

Ever struggled with exams...?!!

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She is not a "DUMB BLOND" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

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She is not a "DUMB BLOND" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

Is that with or with out road construction? :o)

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LETS BEGIN IN 2010

Women's Bumper Stickers

SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME
GOD MADE US SISTERS, PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS
IF THEY DON'T HAVE CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN, I AIN'T GOING
MY MOTHER IS A TRAVEL AGENT FOR GUILT TRIPS
PRINCESS, HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT EXPERIENCE WITH PRINCES, SEEKS FROG
COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN ... SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH
DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN
IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN
DINNER IS READY WHEN THE SMOKE ALARM GOES OFF
I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN - AND I HAVE A GUN

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LETS BEGIN IN 2010