I just saw this UFO prank. Had to share.

Unfortunately getting:

This video does not exist.
Sorry about that.

:^(

I got the same thing.

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~Sue~

But we never found out what Steve's original joke was. :(

---

David
Sitting on my butt while others boldly go,
Waiting for a message from a small furry creature from Alpha Centauri.

7. If you can't fix it with a Lode Lane spanner*, you've got an electrical problem.


* For the un-educated a "Lode Lane spanner" is also known as a "Brum Spanner"...

I remain unenlightened. (Yes, I know what a spanner is.)

---

David
Sitting on my butt while others boldly go,
Waiting for a message from a small furry creature from Alpha Centauri.

I believe that Lode Lane Spanner , Brum Spanner, and Brum screwdriver are all alternative and somewhat derogatory names for a Hammer, usually a large one.

All to do with using the wrong tool for a job.


Brum is a nickname for Birmingham in the UK

The reference to Birmingham Screwdriver is a term referring to the habit of some (usually not so good) carpenters and general builders, of using a hammer to insert screws into wood, in the hope it will hold. Sometimes they might finish with a half-turn of the screw to hold it a bit better. This dates from the days before electric drills, impact drivers etc.

Lode Lane may refer to one of the Land Rover factories in Solihull, though I'm not to sure of this connection.

---

Happy Crunching,

Graham

But we never found out what Steve's original joke was. :(

I figure it was "Irish Stu in the name of the law." His friends already
knew the joke and gave him hell before it was finally revealed by one of
them at the end.

---

~Sue~

I RECENTLY HEARD A SWEET ELDERLY LADY SAYING A PRAYER:-
“Dear Lord, the past couple of years have been very tough for me”.
You have taken ...

my favourite actor--- Patrick Macnee,
my favourite horror actor Chrisopher Lee,
my favourite comedian --- Robin Williams,
my favourite singer----Joe Cocker,
my favourite entertainer----David Bowie
my favourite author, Tom Clancy.
and finally my favourite presenter Sir Terry Wogan

So Lord. I just wanted you to know that my favourite politicians are:-

Tony Blair, Jeremy Corbyn, Jacob Zuma, Donald J Trump and that stupid woman from Scotland .
Amen.”

---

.


A person who makes no mistakes, creates nothing.

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship
And orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.'
The bartender says 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink.
In fact, this one is on me.'

As the woman finishes her drink
The woman to her right says
'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'
The old woman says
'Thank you.Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming up' says the bartender

As she finishes that drink,The man to her left says
'I would like to buy you one, too.'
The old woman says 'Thank you.
Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming right up' the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says
'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity.
Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'

The old woman replies
'Sonny, when you're my age,
You've learned how to hold your liquor...
Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'

---

.


A person who makes no mistakes, creates nothing.

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship
And orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her
the drink she says 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and
it's today.' The bartender says 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy
you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'

As the woman finishes her drink
The woman to her right says
'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'
The old woman says
'Thank you.Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming up' says the bartender

As she finishes that drink,The man to her left says
'I would like to buy you one, too.'
The old woman says 'Thank you.
Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming right up' the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says
'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity.
Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'

The old woman replies
'Sonny, when you're my age,
You've learned how to hold your liquor...
Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'

I can vouch for this being true!

---

~Sue~

I believe that Lode Lane Spanner , Brum Spanner, and Brum screwdriver are all alternative and somewhat derogatory names for a Hammer, usually a large one.

All to do with using the wrong tool for a job.


Brum is a nickname for Birmingham in the UK

The reference to Birmingham Screwdriver is a term referring to the habit of some (usually not so good) carpenters and general builders, of using a hammer to insert screws into wood, in the hope it will hold. Sometimes they might finish with a half-turn of the screw to hold it a bit better. This dates from the days before electric drills, impact drivers etc.

Lode Lane may refer to one of the Land Rover factories in Solihull, though I'm not to sure of this connection.

In Australia, a hammer is known as a "Yankee Screwdriver", for all the same reasons stated above. :D

T.A.

I believe that Lode Lane Spanner , Brum Spanner, and Brum screwdriver are all alternative and somewhat derogatory names for a Hammer, usually a large one. .....

Oie boys and girls. Less of the dising of Brum. I'll let you know we in middle earth (the midlands) have a proud heritage as a power house and part of the forge of the industrial revolution.

We are proud of our hammers and soon to be resurected work houses.

Less of the Brummy hammer derogitory stuff please.

We think a Hammer is an American. A Spanner is an Australian, A Screwdriver is a European and a Tool is anyone that disagrees with Brummies :)))~


What do you get if you throw an apple on top of an apple???

A Pear..

Majic.

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini.."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he ask

"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.

St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says.

"No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

---

.


A person who makes no mistakes, creates nothing.

An old man is riding in a lift with two beautiful women,one woman sprays perfume on her neck,she looks to her friend and says,"Romance ,by Ralph lauren,£150 per ounce",the other woman takes out a perfume spray and sprays her neck,and says,"Chanel No 5, £200 per ounce,,"the lift stops ,and the doors open.,the old man steps out and lets off a large fart,as the doors close,he looks back and says,"brussel sprouts 49p per pound."

.

What do you get if you throw another apple on top of the other apple???


A Squash..


Vegetarian Majic! :)


.

A man wonders if having sex on Good Friday is a sin because he is not sure if
sex is work or play. He asks a priest for his opinion on this question. The
priest says after consulting the Bible, "My son, after an exhaustive search I am
positive sex is work and is not permitted on Good Friday."

The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?" He goes to minister... a
married man, experienced.... for the answer. He queries the minister and
receives the same reply. Sex is work and not for Good Friday!

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority -- a man of
thousands of year's tradition and knowledge: a rabbi. The rabbi ponders the
question and states, "My son, sex is definitely play." The man replies, "rabbi,
how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?" The rabbi
softly speaks, " If sex were work...my wife would have the maid do it."

---

~Sue~

London Air for sale

Maybe a time-out needed :-)

FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:

1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA…FLOOR.

2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD LITTLE GIRLS LIVE.

5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

7. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

14. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL BREAK-IN AND CLEAN THEM?

15. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

18. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

19. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

20. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

21. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

22. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA? (This one took me a minute)

23. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

24. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

25. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

26. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

27. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

28. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

29. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?

30. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

31. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

32. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?

33. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

34. WHY DO SHOPS HAVE SIGNS, 'GUIDE DOGS ONLY', THE DOGS CAN'T READ AND THEIR OWNERS ARE BLIND?

---

.


A person who makes no mistakes, creates nothing.

From the back page of the American Legion Magazine, April 2016.

---

~Sue~

His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for CNN', he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment. Finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me,



is . . .. You're NOT my flight instructor?'

---

.


A person who makes no mistakes, creates nothing.

---

~Sue~

Oh, Sue...............
Not that old joke.....come on.

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"Time is simply the mechanism that keeps everything from happening all at once."