The joke thread Part 4.

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Luigi Naruszewicz
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Message 1571782 - Posted: 14 Sep 2014, 6:56:10 UTC

The Aisle, the Altar, the Hymn


Through the ages, men have been trying to unlock this mystery:

Why do their wives, who accept them just as they are before they get married, begin the quest to change their behaviour and life-style once their vows are exchanged?

Finally, the riddle is solved.

A social-scientist has arrived at this simple and logical explanation.
When the bride, accompanied by her father, starts to walk slowly down the long aisle, she sees the altar at the end and hears the choir singing a hymn. Walking down the aisle, the conditioning process starts where the brain absorbs these three stimuli:

Aisle, altar, and hymn.

She becomes mesmerized as she continually reinforces these perceptions:

Aisle, altar, hymn……Aisle, altar, hymn……Aisle, altar, hymn.

And finally, as she stops beside the groom, the conditioning process is complete. She looks up at him smiling sweetly and keeps saying to herself:

'I'll alter him!’

HERE ENDETH THE LESSON
.


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Message 1575375 - Posted: 21 Sep 2014, 3:42:52 UTC



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Message 1576057 - Posted: 22 Sep 2014, 17:29:06 UTC

...pass with care, or you might get your own back sooner than expected, or desired :-(
Bob Smith
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Somewhere in the (un)known Universe?
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Message 1579159 - Posted: 28 Sep 2014, 19:49:20 UTC

An Aussie bloke's wife goes missing whilst diving off the West Australian Coast.
He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of police officers, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news."

"Well, streuth," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad news first."

The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."

The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn.

But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.

The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share."

He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five meal-sized crabs in it.

"Gee-whizz thanks, mate. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So, what's the other possible good news?"

"Well," the Sarge says, "If you fancy a quick trip, young Bill and I get off duty at around 11 o'clock... and we're going to shoot over there and pull her up again."
~Sue~

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Message 1579557 - Posted: 29 Sep 2014, 20:03:39 UTC - in response to Message 1579159.  

An Aussie bloke's wife goes missing whilst diving off the West Australian Coast.
He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of police officers, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news."

"Well, streuth," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad news first."

The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."

The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn.

But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.

The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share."

He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five meal-sized crabs in it.

"Gee-whizz thanks, mate. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So, what's the other possible good news?"

"Well," the Sarge says, "If you fancy a quick trip, young Bill and I get off duty at around 11 o'clock... and we're going to shoot over there and pull her up again."

Eeeeeeewww.....

(Reminiscent of Tom Clancy's Without Remorse.)
David
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Waiting for a message from a small furry creature from Alpha Centauri.

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Message 1579563 - Posted: 29 Sep 2014, 20:08:58 UTC

Here in Alberta we could not do such a thing!
(No ocean here....)


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Message 1580108 - Posted: 30 Sep 2014, 19:24:52 UTC

A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day,
when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her.

After following along for a while, turns to her and asks,
"Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?"

"NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking.

The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks,
"Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back."

"NO!" says the little girl again as she hurries down the street.

The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says,
"Okay kid, my last offer! I'll give you 20 Bucks and a Big Bag of Candy
if you will just hop on the back of my bike and we will go for a ride."

Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and screams out...
"Look Dad, You're the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley ...YOU RIDE IT!!"
~Sue~

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Luigi Naruszewicz
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Message 1582431 - Posted: 6 Oct 2014, 7:00:26 UTC

Always keep your spouse’s picture on a mobile phone as a screen saver.
Whenever you face a problem, see the picture & say:
“If I can handle her, I can handle anything!”


If a wife wants husband’s attention, she just has to look sad & uncomfortable.
If an husband wants a wife’s attention, he just has to look comfortable & happy!


A Philosopher HUSBAND said: - Every WIFE is a ‘Mistress’ of her Husband…
“Miss” for the first year and “Stress” for the rest of his life…!


Do you remember the tingling feeling when you took the decision to get married?
That was common sense leaving your body!


Man outside a phone booth: “Excuse me Sir, you are holding the phone since the last 30 minutes ... and you haven’t spoken a word”.
Man inside: “I am talking to my wife”


Position of a husband is just like a ‘Split AC’....,
No matter how loud he is outdoors, He is designed to remain silent indoors!


Listening To your Wife…is like reading Terms & Conditions of a website.
You understand nothing.... but still click on "I AGREE"
.


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Message 1582478 - Posted: 6 Oct 2014, 10:46:34 UTC

Ellen and her husband Bob went for counselling after 25 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Ellen went into a passionate, painful
tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness,
feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Ellen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow!

Ellen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow
of being highly aroused.
The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week.
Can you do this?'

Bob thought for a moment and replied,

'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays,
but on Fridays, I play golf."
Happy Crunching,

Graham

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Message 1582665 - Posted: 6 Oct 2014, 18:36:09 UTC - in response to Message 1582478.  

LSM and I laughed for five minutes, then we
had to race each other to the bathroom.......
Thank you.


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Message 1582916 - Posted: 7 Oct 2014, 5:52:50 UTC

One Line Humour

[1] Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.

[2] Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.

[3] Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!

[4] I believe we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.

[5] A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.

[6] Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.

[7] Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without, but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.

(8] You can't buy love, but you pay heavily for it.

[9] Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.

[10] Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

[11] Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.

[12] My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.

[13] Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.

[14] Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.

[15] A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.

[16] You're getting old when you enjoy remembering things more than doing them.

[17] It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

[18] Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.

[19] Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.

[20] Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something

[21] They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak!

[22] Man: Is there any way for long life? Dr: Get married. Man: Will it help? Dr: No, but then the thought of long life will never come.

[23]Why do couples hold hands during their wedding? It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!

[24]Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do? Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.

[25]It's funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged. It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.

[26]There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.

[27]There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbor has it!
.


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Message 1583944 - Posted: 9 Oct 2014, 14:48:37 UTC

For the amusement and/or offense of our British contingent, Letterman's Top Ten (October 8, if that's not the date that comes up for you).
David
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Waiting for a message from a small furry creature from Alpha Centauri.

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Message 1585963 - Posted: 12 Oct 2014, 21:19:22 UTC

The organisers of this just have to be joking...

True love tested

...the prize is her weight in booze & 5 times her weight in cash?

Shouldn't that be the other way around as the men did the carrying?
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Message 1585980 - Posted: 12 Oct 2014, 22:17:40 UTC - in response to Message 1585963.  

The organisers of this just have to be joking...

True love tested

...the prize is her weight in booze & 5 times her weight in cash?

Shouldn't that be the other way around as the men did the carrying?

I'll take the cash in $100 bills...


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Message 1586870 - Posted: 14 Oct 2014, 23:53:34 UTC - in response to Message 1585963.  

The organisers of this just have to be joking...

True love tested

...the prize is her weight in booze & 5 times her weight in cash?

Shouldn't that be the other way around as the men did the carrying?

Presumably, one strategy to win is to carry the lightest woman you can find. But a heavier one gets a bigger prize.
David
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Waiting for a message from a small furry creature from Alpha Centauri.

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Message 1587113 - Posted: 15 Oct 2014, 12:27:14 UTC

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Message 1587508 - Posted: 16 Oct 2014, 0:07:22 UTC - in response to Message 1587113.  
Last modified: 16 Oct 2014, 0:08:12 UTC

http://xkcd.com/1409/


Hmmmm. I don't get it. (Other than the fact that he's looking for someone with
whom he can watch porn, I think. It's the spreadsheet stuff that confuses me, I
guess.)
~Sue~

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Message 1587511 - Posted: 16 Oct 2014, 0:17:06 UTC

A Cadburys Special

Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker. It was After Eight.
They got off at Quality Street.
He asked her name "Polo, I'm the one with the hole", she said with a Wispa.
"I'm Marathon, the one with the nuts" he relied.
He touched her Crème Eggs and slipped his hands into her Snickers.
He fondled her Flap Jacks and she rubbed his Tic Tacs.
It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight.
But 3 days later, his Sherbert Dib-Dab started to itch.
Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he's got bloody Allsorts.
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Message 1587593 - Posted: 16 Oct 2014, 3:49:59 UTC - in response to Message 1587508.  

http://xkcd.com/1409/


Hmmmm. I don't get it. (Other than the fact that he's looking for someone with
whom he can watch porn, I think. It's the spreadsheet stuff that confuses me, I
guess.)

The last line was the funny bit "drop table" is a command to the database to remove a table. "drop table people" had the effect of removing the people...


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Message 1587796 - Posted: 16 Oct 2014, 14:01:36 UTC

http://xkcd.com/1409/




??????????????


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Message boards : Cafe SETI : The joke thread Part 4.


 
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