The joke thread Part 4.

Message boards : Cafe SETI : The joke thread Part 4.
Message board moderation

To post messages, you must log in.

Previous · 1 . . . 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 . . . 34 · Next

AuthorMessage
John McLeod VII
Volunteer developer
Volunteer tester
Avatar

Send message
Joined: 15 Jul 99
Posts: 24806
Credit: 790,712
RAC: 0
United States
Message 1512685 - Posted: 6 May 2014, 3:46:47 UTC - in response to Message 1511928.  

I remmeber a lot of jokes but german jokes seldom work in english.

Some jokes don't even translate from Brittish to American or vice versa.

Anyway, Britian and America: separated by a common language.

Would a propper English gentleman want his daughter knocked up before breakfast?

Of course, otherwise she might miss breakfast!


BOINC WIKI
ID: 1512685 · Report as offensive     Reply Quote
Luigi Naruszewicz
Avatar

Send message
Joined: 19 Nov 99
Posts: 620
Credit: 23,910,372
RAC: 14
United Kingdom
Message 1512726 - Posted: 6 May 2014, 5:55:44 UTC


.


A person who makes no mistakes, creates nothing.
ID: 1512726 · Report as offensive     Reply Quote
Profile Suzie-Q Project Donor
Avatar

Send message
Joined: 9 Mar 07
Posts: 3306
Credit: 4,746,812
RAC: 1
United States
Message 1512890 - Posted: 6 May 2014, 19:28:18 UTC - in response to Message 1512617.  

I remmeber a lot of jokes but german jokes seldom work in english.


Ich verstehe Deutsch.


Ek verstaan Afrikaans maar het a bietjie vergeet en... :)

naelewa Kiswahili, ingawa mimi tumesahau mengi :/

and I've forgotten all my Zulu :( which isn't at funny at all


Я говорю и понимаю немного по-русски.
~Sue~

ID: 1512890 · Report as offensive     Reply Quote
anniet
Volunteer tester
Avatar

Send message
Joined: 2 Feb 14
Posts: 7105
Credit: 1,577,368
RAC: 75
Zambia
Message 1513033 - Posted: 7 May 2014, 2:51:03 UTC - in response to Message 1512890.  

I remmeber a lot of jokes but german jokes seldom work in english.


Ich verstehe Deutsch.


Ek verstaan Afrikaans maar het a bietjie vergeet en... :)

naelewa Kiswahili, ingawa mimi tumesahau mengi :/

and I've forgotten all my Zulu :( which isn't at funny at all


Я говорю и понимаю немного по-русски.


He he he he he he :)
ID: 1513033 · Report as offensive     Reply Quote
Sirius B Project Donor
Volunteer tester
Avatar

Send message
Joined: 26 Dec 00
Posts: 24814
Credit: 3,081,182
RAC: 7
Ireland
Message 1513845 - Posted: 8 May 2014, 22:18:21 UTC

Any chance of a whip-round to give me there?




...need a nice holiday :-)
ID: 1513845 · Report as offensive     Reply Quote
Luigi Naruszewicz
Avatar

Send message
Joined: 19 Nov 99
Posts: 620
Credit: 23,910,372
RAC: 14
United Kingdom
Message 1514311 - Posted: 10 May 2014, 6:04:17 UTC

Husband and Wife Comments

What's the similarity between chewing gum & wife ??
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Both are sweet at the beginning and become tasteless, shapeless and sticky, clingy in the end...







An Airline Introduced A Special Package For Business Men.
Buy Ur Ticket Get Ur Wife's Ticket Free

After Great Success,
The Company Sent Letters To All The Wives
Asking How Was The Trip.
All Of Them Gave A Same Reply...

"Which Trip ?"







Wife: I wish I was a newspaper so I would be in your hands all day.

Husband: I too wish that you were a newspapers so I could have a new one everyday.







Wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two!

She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

"hi darling", he says,
"your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom.
Hope you have said hello to them.







If you were my husband,
I would poison your coffee

If you were my wife
I would drink it.





If men behave after marriage the way they do before it, half the divorces won't take place..

On the other hand,

If women behave before marriage the way they do after it, half the marriages won't take place ;









When a married man says:
"I'll think about it" ,
What he really means that,
He doesn't know his wife's opinion yet...













In New York, a man was watching a movie at home and suddenly shouts nooooooooooooo!! Don't go inside the church its a trap!!

Wife: what are u watching?

Man: our wedding DVD







Want to surprise your girlfriend?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Introduce her to your wife :p



A famous inspirational speaker said:
"Best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman, who wasn't my wife"
Audience was in shock and silence..
He added: "she was my mother"
A big round of applause & laughter!

A very daring husbnd tried to crack this at home
After a dinner, he said loudly to his wife in the kitchen:
"Best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman, who wasn't my wife"
standing for a moment, trying to recall the second line of that speaker

by the time he gained his senses,he was on a hospital bed, recovering from burns of boiling water!

Moral: don't copy if you can't paste!







Husband sent a text to his wife at night,
"Hi I will get late, please try and wash all my dirty clothes and make sure you prepare my favorite dish before I return."

He sent another text,
"And I forgot to tell you that I got an increase in my salary at the end of the month I'm getting you a new car"

Shetext back, "OMG really?"

Husband replied,
"No I just wanted to make sure you got my first message".







Two pieces of Wise Advice for Married Peoples

Never laugh at your wife's choices...
(You are one of them...)

Never be Proud of Your Choices...
(Your Wife is one of them...)







Message of the year:-
Women live a better, longer & peaceful life..!!
Why? Very simple...
A woman does not have a wife..!!!







My wife and I
were happy for 20 years.
Then we met.







Husband texts to wife on cell..

"Hi,what r u doing Darling?"

Wife: I'm dying..!

Husband jumps with joy but types "Sweet Heart, how can I live without U?"

Wife: "U idiot! I'm dying my hair.."

Husband: "Bloody English Language!







Chess says everything about husband and wife.

The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever she wants.







Police Officer: I arrest people, But, when I go home, I'm under house arrest, by Wife

Professor: I give lectures to students, But, when I go home, I get Lectured hourly, by wife

CEO: I'm the Boss, But, when I go home, I always feel like an employee, by wife

Judge: I give Justice, but when I go home, I Beg for Justice, by wife







Husband wife watching an IPL match together:
After 5 minutes:

Wife: Is this Bret Lee?
Husband: No, this is Chris Gayle, Bret Lee is a bowler.

Wife: Okay, oh look, another wicket.
Husband: No, this is just a replay of the last one.

Wife: Hmm, looks like India is going to win this one.
Husband: It's Bangalore vs Mumbai.

Wife: How many runs do they need to win now?
Husband: 72 runs in 36 balls.

Wife: Eh! That's easy, just 2 runs in 1 ball.
Husband: *Turns off the TV*

Wife: Turns it on again and starts watching "Daily serial"

Husband: Who is this girl here ?
Wife: Don't disturb me please .







Husband : I found Aladin's lamp today. :P
.
Wife : wow, what did u ask for darling ?? :D
.
.
Husband : I asked him to increase your brain ten times..
.
Wife : oh..darling..luv u so much.. :-*
.
Did he do that ??
.
Husband : He laughed and said multiplication doesn't apply to zero.







True saying....
Women never dress up to impress man,

They dress up to irritate other women.
[/u]
.


A person who makes no mistakes, creates nothing.
ID: 1514311 · Report as offensive     Reply Quote
Sirius B Project Donor
Volunteer tester
Avatar

Send message
Joined: 26 Dec 00
Posts: 24814
Credit: 3,081,182
RAC: 7
Ireland
Message 1515045 - Posted: 12 May 2014, 19:21:36 UTC

ID: 1515045 · Report as offensive     Reply Quote
Profile Suzie-Q Project Donor
Avatar

Send message
Joined: 9 Mar 07
Posts: 3306
Credit: 4,746,812
RAC: 1
United States
Message 1515799 - Posted: 14 May 2014, 2:27:13 UTC - in response to Message 1515045.  
Last modified: 14 May 2014, 2:28:49 UTC

Joke of the Century!

Could Boris be UK PM then US President?


Yep, that is pretty funny!

The better question would be "could he run for president?" which
he could if he's truly a natural born citizen. Whether or not he'd
win is a different question. I'd bet "no," and I'd vote "no" as well.
~Sue~

ID: 1515799 · Report as offensive     Reply Quote
Sirius B Project Donor
Volunteer tester
Avatar

Send message
Joined: 26 Dec 00
Posts: 24814
Credit: 3,081,182
RAC: 7
Ireland
Message 1515801 - Posted: 14 May 2014, 2:28:36 UTC - in response to Message 1515799.  

Joke of the Century!

Could Boris be UK PM then US President?


Yep, that is pretty funny!

The better question would be "could he run for president," which
he could if he's truly a natural born citizen. Whether or not he'd
win is a different question. I'd bet "no," and I'd vote "no" as well.


I'd vote yes so that we could get rid of him :-)
ID: 1515801 · Report as offensive     Reply Quote
anniet
Volunteer tester
Avatar

Send message
Joined: 2 Feb 14
Posts: 7105
Credit: 1,577,368
RAC: 75
Zambia
Message 1515804 - Posted: 14 May 2014, 2:33:54 UTC - in response to Message 1515799.  

Joke of the Century!

Could Boris be UK PM then US President?


Yep, that is pretty funny!

The better question would be "could he run for president," which
he could if he's truly a natural born citizen. Whether or not he'd
win is a different question. I'd bet "no," and I'd vote "no" as well.


Ditto! Look where it got me... embarrassed to admit that I live in London :) Be afraid Sue - be very afraid :)
ID: 1515804 · Report as offensive     Reply Quote
Profile Suzie-Q Project Donor
Avatar

Send message
Joined: 9 Mar 07
Posts: 3306
Credit: 4,746,812
RAC: 1
United States
Message 1515852 - Posted: 14 May 2014, 5:18:47 UTC


~Sue~

ID: 1515852 · Report as offensive     Reply Quote
Profile Wiggo
Avatar

Send message
Joined: 24 Jan 00
Posts: 33729
Credit: 261,360,520
RAC: 489
Australia
Message 1515927 - Posted: 14 May 2014, 11:42:26 UTC

I hope that this 1 hasn't been done before.

A blonde was driving home after a game & got caught in a really bad
hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it
To a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he
decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the
tail pipe really hard, & all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands & knees & started
blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little
harder, & still nothing happened.

Her blonde roommate saw her & asked, 'What are you doing?' The first
blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the
tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes & said, 'Uh, like hello!
You need to roll up the windows first.'

Cheers.
ID: 1515927 · Report as offensive     Reply Quote
Profile Suzie-Q Project Donor
Avatar

Send message
Joined: 9 Mar 07
Posts: 3306
Credit: 4,746,812
RAC: 1
United States
Message 1516129 - Posted: 14 May 2014, 18:34:19 UTC - in response to Message 1515927.  

Wiggo just made me realize another benefit of growing
old. (There are so few.) Thanks to a failing memory, jokes
you may have already heard are new again!

I don't think I've heard that joke before, Wiggo. But I'm
getting old and forgetting things, so maybe I have!
~Sue~

ID: 1516129 · Report as offensive     Reply Quote
Profile Suzie-Q Project Donor
Avatar

Send message
Joined: 9 Mar 07
Posts: 3306
Credit: 4,746,812
RAC: 1
United States
Message 1518573 - Posted: 20 May 2014, 4:29:40 UTC

I got this via email, but looked up its origin on the web. It's
good for a few giggles.

25 Predictions That Were Totally Wrong

http://list25.com/25-famous-predictions-that-were-proven-to-be-horribly-wrong/
~Sue~

ID: 1518573 · Report as offensive     Reply Quote
Profile Wiggo
Avatar

Send message
Joined: 24 Jan 00
Posts: 33729
Credit: 261,360,520
RAC: 489
Australia
Message 1518693 - Posted: 20 May 2014, 10:18:57 UTC - in response to Message 1516129.  

Wiggo just made me realize another benefit of growing
old. (There are so few.) Thanks to a failing memory, jokes
you may have already heard are new again!

I don't think I've heard that joke before, Wiggo. But I'm
getting old and forgetting things, so maybe I have!

I guess that will depend on how old you are Suzie. ;-)

I'm feeling really ancient after today's work. :-(

Cheers.
ID: 1518693 · Report as offensive     Reply Quote
Profile Suzie-Q Project Donor
Avatar

Send message
Joined: 9 Mar 07
Posts: 3306
Credit: 4,746,812
RAC: 1
United States
Message 1519261 - Posted: 21 May 2014, 17:38:23 UTC - in response to Message 1518693.  

Wiggo just made me realize another benefit of growing
old. (There are so few.) Thanks to a failing memory, jokes
you may have already heard are new again!

I don't think I've heard that joke before, Wiggo. But I'm
getting old and forgetting things, so maybe I have!

I guess that will depend on how old you are Suzie. ;-)

I'm feeling really ancient after today's work. :-(

Cheers.


I'm old enough to qualify for a "senior's discount" at many
restaurants, etc.

Dammit.
~Sue~

ID: 1519261 · Report as offensive     Reply Quote
Profile Wiggo
Avatar

Send message
Joined: 24 Jan 00
Posts: 33729
Credit: 261,360,520
RAC: 489
Australia
Message 1519428 - Posted: 21 May 2014, 21:44:15 UTC - in response to Message 1519261.  

Wiggo just made me realize another benefit of growing
old. (There are so few.) Thanks to a failing memory, jokes
you may have already heard are new again!

I don't think I've heard that joke before, Wiggo. But I'm
getting old and forgetting things, so maybe I have!

I guess that will depend on how old you are Suzie. ;-)

I'm feeling really ancient after today's work. :-(

Cheers.


I'm old enough to qualify for a "senior's discount" at many
restaurants, etc.

Dammit.

Sounds like we're both in the same boat then. ;-)

Cheers.
ID: 1519428 · Report as offensive     Reply Quote
David S
Volunteer tester
Avatar

Send message
Joined: 4 Oct 99
Posts: 18352
Credit: 27,761,924
RAC: 12
United States
Message 1519471 - Posted: 21 May 2014, 22:52:31 UTC

Here's a great big joke for you: The Chicago Cubs' bullpen
David
Sitting on my butt while others boldly go,
Waiting for a message from a small furry creature from Alpha Centauri.

ID: 1519471 · Report as offensive     Reply Quote
Profile Suzie-Q Project Donor
Avatar

Send message
Joined: 9 Mar 07
Posts: 3306
Credit: 4,746,812
RAC: 1
United States
Message 1522202 - Posted: 29 May 2014, 0:54:18 UTC


~Sue~

ID: 1522202 · Report as offensive     Reply Quote
Profile Wiggo
Avatar

Send message
Joined: 24 Jan 00
Posts: 33729
Credit: 261,360,520
RAC: 489
Australia
Message 1522206 - Posted: 29 May 2014, 1:12:17 UTC - in response to Message 1522202.  


ROFLMOA!!!

Another good 1 Suzie. :-D

Cheers.
ID: 1522206 · Report as offensive     Reply Quote
Previous · 1 . . . 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 . . . 34 · Next

Message boards : Cafe SETI : The joke thread Part 4.


 
©2023 University of California
 
SETI@home and Astropulse are funded by grants from the National Science Foundation, NASA, and donations from SETI@home volunteers. AstroPulse is funded in part by the NSF through grant AST-0307956.