The President is getting off the helicopter in front of the White House. He has a baby pig under each arm. The Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says, "Nice pigs, sir."

The President replies, "These aren't pigs, these are genuine Texan Razorback Hogs. I got one for the Vice President, and one for Defense Secretary Rumsfeld.

The Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and replies, "Good trade, sir."

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You dreamed the name up while smoken the ganja?

Sort of... well yes. I came up with the name while registering some new software.
I just didn't feel they needed to know my name. It's amazing how much mail I still get for Dune Finkleberry. Isn't there a computer somewhere asking itself, who the hell has a name like that?

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You dreamed the name up while smoken the ganja?

Sort of... well yes. I came up with the name while registering some new software.
I just didn't feel they needed to know my name. It's amazing how much mail I still get for Dune Finkleberry. Isn't there a computer somewhere asking itself, who the hell has a name like that?

I knew a family of Finkleberrys from Europe somewhere, very nice people.

Check this!

Oh no I 'aint that daft!

C'mon Chris be a sport.

Look here sweetie pie, you've already had so many souls off me you could open up a shop!!!

How many have you got Stacey Jane?

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flaming balloons

Check this!

How many have you got Stacey Jane?

Check & see.

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Check this!

How many have you got Stacey Jane?

Check & see.

I think I have 217 now.

In the human body, which organ is in charge?

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.

The brain said: "I should be in charge, because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the heart, "because I pump the blood and circulate oxygen all over the body, so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic. Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.

The moral of the story?

You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... just an *sshole.

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In the human body, which organ is in charge?

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.

The brain said: "I should be in charge, because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the heart, "because I pump the blood and circulate oxygen all over the body, so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic. Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.

The moral of the story?

You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... just an *sshole.

Excellent placement of your joke Dune ... very good lmao.

Excellent placement of your joke Dune ... very good lmao.

You're welcome.

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It was Saturday morning and Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage. Jake asks her, “What are you up to?” Alice smiles, “I'm going hunting with you!” Jake, though he has many reservations, reluctantly decides to take her along.

They arrive at the hunting site. Jake sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her: “If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot.” Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant -- much less a deer.

But not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming, “Get away from my deer!” Confused, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, “Get away from my deer!” followed by another volley of gunfire.

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air. The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, “Okay, lady, okay! You can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!”

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An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

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You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... just an *sshole.

I've NEVER had a boss that wasn't... ;)

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It may not be 1984 but George Orwell sure did see the future . . .

Useful Phrases for Work

I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of bad Karma to burnoff.

No, my powers can only be used for good.

How about *never*? Is *never* good for you?

I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

Who, me? I just wander from room to room.

It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

Someday,we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

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Results Matter
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of New York City."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and Enter the Kingdom." The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, church pastor for the last 43 years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept. While he drove, people prayed

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In the men's room at work, the boss placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it: "Think!"

The next day, when he went to the men's room, he looked at the sign, and right below it, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read, "Thoap!"

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In the men's room at work, the boss placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it: "Think!"

The next day, when he went to the men's room, he looked at the sign, and right below it, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read, "Thoap!"

Like it like it like it!

edit - Sorted the PC's then?

yeah, I thought you guys would appreciate that one ... sorted the PCs out ... my monitor is broken, just got it in December, have to see about the warranty

An engineering student is walking on campus one day when another engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle.

"Where did you get such a rockin' bike?" asked the first.

The second engineer replied "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said 'Take what you want.'"

The second engineer nodded approvingly "Good choice - the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you."

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A man and a woman who had never met, found themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leaned over and said, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket." The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, replied, "I've got a better idea ... let's pretend we're married." The woman giggled and said, "OK." "Good," he replied, "Get your own damned blanket!"

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Jimmy received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown, with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary.

Every other word was an expletive; those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. Jimmy tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music... anything he could think of. Nothing worked.

He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. He shook the bird, and the bird got madder and more rude.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet.

Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior".

Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the Chicken did?"

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Back when Bill Clinton and Hillary got married Bill told her, “There's one thing I want you to know. There's a box under my bed and I don't want you to look in it until I die.”

Hillary agreed to this but, over the years, the curiosity got the better of her and she finally looked in it. She found three beer cans and 1.5 million dollars in cash.

When she asked Bill what the beer cans were for, he replied, “Well, those are for all the times I've cheated on you.”

Hillary said, “Well, that's not bad after all these years and you being a politician and traveling and all.”

She was about to leave, but then she said, “Hey, Bill, what about the 1.5 million dollars?”

Bill replied, “That's for all the times the box got full and I had to cash the cans in.”

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