How many astronomers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to change the bulb and the other to complain about the light pollution.

Ask Eric.......he would know.

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"Time is simply the mechanism that keeps everything from happening all at once."

How many astronomers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to change the bulb and the other to complain about the light pollution.

How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

None, that is a hardware problem.

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BOINC WIKI

How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They wait for Marketing to explain it as a feature.

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Q: How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready.

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BOINC WIKI

Ranch Hand Wanted....

A successful Saskatchewan rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You’ve done a really good job, and the ranch looks great - you should go into Swift Current and kick up your heels.'

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and No hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.

'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed.

'Now take off my boots.'

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

Now take off my stockings.'

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

'Now take off my skirt.'

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

'Now take off my bra.'

Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told.

Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'

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So Blurf, I see you've been to Swift Current!

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LOL....That was a good 'un.

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"Time is simply the mechanism that keeps everything from happening all at once."

My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to make love?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

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"Time is simply the mechanism that keeps everything from happening all at once."

Wait, there's more...


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started...

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"Time is simply the mechanism that keeps everything from happening all at once."

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

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"Time is simply the mechanism that keeps everything from happening all at once."

This skit is just hilarious....
Making fun of an actual oil tanker disaster off the coast of Australia years ago.

The Front Fell Off....

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"Time is simply the mechanism that keeps everything from happening all at once."

Pastor Fluff

The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Ireland.
One day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young
lady of his congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer. The Reverend wasn't
happy!

He walked through the open door of the pub and sat down next to the
woman. "Miss Fitzgerald," he said sternly - "This is no place for a
member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?" "Sure!"
she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Miss Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back
and forth. The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink
and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their
balance and tumbled to the floor. After a few moments, the Reverend wound up
on top of Miss Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The pub landlord looked over and said, "Oy mate, we won't have any of
that carrying on in this pub." The Reverend looked up at the landlord and
said, "But you don't understand. I'm Pastor Fluff."

The landlord said, "Ah well, if you're that far along, ye might as well
finish."

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"Time is simply the mechanism that keeps everything from happening all at once."

Bottle of Wine

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one.
Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt.
God works in mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.
The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.'
Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'
The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.'
She hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'
The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'

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"Time is simply the mechanism that keeps everything from happening all at once."

Man sees God and walks up to him.

Lord is it true time moves slower in Heaven?

Yes, my son a 10,000 of your years is but a second in heaven.

Lord is it also true that a single coin is worth more than all the money on earth.

Yes, my son that too is true.

Lord would you grant me possession of one of just one of those coins?

Why sure my son - Give me a second..

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I'd rather speak my mind because it hurts too much to bite my tongue.

American Spirit BBQ Proudly Serving those that courageously defend freedom.

A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country road. The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft. As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with shock, his young blonde attendant nonchalantly filled up the tank and waved to the two aliens as they took off.

"Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally uttered.

"Yeah," said the blonde attendant. "So?"

"Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!"

"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"

"Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"

"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"

"Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!"

The blonde attendant rolled his eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've been
working here for six years. Of course I know what 'UFO' means
'Unleaded Fuel Only.'"

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LETS BEGIN IN 2010

(Please note... I am Italian - not really trying to "dis my peeps" here. Just thought it was a funny joke.)

Italian Tomato Garden:

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,

Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.

Love,

Vinnie

At 4 a.m. The next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you,

Vinnie

I really really liked this joke :D
-Michele-

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In honor of the US census that is taking place now.

How do you take the census of a Scottish village?

Throw a farthing into the center of the main street.

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BOINC WIKI

A man begs the nurse to let him out of the hospital for a couple of hours, just to go far a walk, he says. OK, the nurse agrees so he leaves wheeling the IV drip along side him. He promply heads for the bar opposite the hospital and orders a large gin and tonic. The barman serves him and he receives the glass gratefully and sips still wearing his hospital gown. He turns to the barman and says, "I shouldn't be having this with what I've got". The worried barman asks, "What have you got?"
"Ten pence" came the reply.

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flaming balloons

I am backing this 100%

Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the airports.
Have a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you.

It would be a win-win for everyone, and there would be none of this crap about racial profiling and this method would eliminate a long and expensive trial.
Justice would be quick and swift. Case Closed!

This is so simple that it's brilliant. I can see it now: you're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion.

Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system, "Attention standby passengers we now have a seat available on flight number..."

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"Time is simply the mechanism that keeps everything from happening all at once."

Did you ever had any Navy experience?
Well, I once saved a rat from drowning!
And what did you do?
I gave her a mouse to mouse resuscitation....!

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