I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
Henny Youngman

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LETS BEGIN IN 2010

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

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LETS BEGIN IN 2010

. . .
The Government Employee called his cat and said, ‘CoffeeBreak, do your stuff.’

CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet…….

ate the cookies……..
drank the milk…….
pooped on the paper…….

had nookie-nookie with the other three cats…….

claimed he injured his back while doing so…

filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions..

put in for Workers Compensation

and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave…
And that my friend, is why everyone wants to work for government!!

This sounds like a lot of work!

Not at all just one claim form for Carpal Tunnel filling out the other forms!

Insulting Parrot
A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" The lady was angry, but she continued on her way.

On the way home, she passed by the pet store again, and again, the parrot said, "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" Furious, the lady stormed into the store and threatened to sue the store.

The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.

The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot. "Hey, lady!" it said.

"Yes?"

"You know...."

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Old enough to know better(but)still young enough not to care

I love this sort of joke:

A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are on a photo-safari in Africa. They drive out into the savannah in their jeep, stop and scour the horizon with their binoculars.

The biologist: "Look! There's a herd of zebras! And there, in the middle: a white zebra! It's fantastic! There are white zebras! We'll be famous!"

The statistician:
"It's not significant. We only know there's one white zebra"

The mathematician:
"Actually, we know there exists a zebra which is white on one side"

The computer scientist:
"Oh no! A special case!"

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[Science] is a proud ambitious army that cares nothing for all the laws that men have made; nothing for their time-honoured customs, or most deeply cherished beliefs, or deepest instincts.
W. Churchill (Popular Mechanics, 1932)

Oh my, I made a no-no in my very first posting

Anyway, the joke is OK, so I'll re-post that!


Edit:

No I won't -apparently it reappeared when the 'offensive content' was removed.

Sorry 'bout that -what can I say: I'm a newbie on this site...

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[Science] is a proud ambitious army that cares nothing for all the laws that men have made; nothing for their time-honoured customs, or most deeply cherished beliefs, or deepest instincts.
W. Churchill (Popular Mechanics, 1932)

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up.

"Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce."
Watson said, "I see millions of stars and even if a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."

Holmes replied: "Watson, you idiot, somebody stole our tent!"

^

"Do you love your math more than me?"
"Of course not, dear - I love you much more."
"Then prove it!"
"OK... Let R be the set of all lovable objects..."

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[Science] is a proud ambitious army that cares nothing for all the laws that men have made; nothing for their time-honoured customs, or most deeply cherished beliefs, or deepest instincts.
W. Churchill (Popular Mechanics, 1932)

"W"

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Beer Goggles
Joe stopped at his favorite watering hole after a hard day's work to relax. He noticed a man next to him order a shot and a beer. The man drank the shot, chased it with the beer and then looked into his shirt pocket. This continued several times before Joe's curiosity got the best of him.
He leaned over to the guy and said, "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice your little ritual. Why in the world do you look into your shirt pocket every time you drink your shot and beer?"

The man replied, "There's a picture of my wife in there, and when she starts lookin' good, I'm headin' home!"

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Old enough to know better(but)still young enough not to care

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets..."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principals eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer,
Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade; I got the last seven questions wrong....."

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I bought some dehydrated water, but I don't know what to add to it.


When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for 5 minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.

I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.

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LETS BEGIN IN 2010

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."
A voice from the back of the room retorted, "Yeah, right."

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."
A voice from the back of the room retorted, "Yeah, right."

Hee, hee, hee.

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Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them, they translate it into their own language, and forthwith it means something entirely different.

Goethe

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[Science] is a proud ambitious army that cares nothing for all the laws that men have made; nothing for their time-honoured customs, or most deeply cherished beliefs, or deepest instincts.
W. Churchill (Popular Mechanics, 1932)

I suppose it does work either way



A Mathematician was put in a room. The room contains a table and three metal spheres about the size of a softball. He was told to do whatever he wants with the balls and the table in one hour. After an hour, the balls are arranges in a triangle at the center of the table. The same test is given to a Physicist. After an hour, the balls are stacked one on top of the other in the center of the table. Finally, an Engineer was tested. After an hour, one of the balls is broken, one is missing, and he's carrying the third out in his lunchbox.

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[Science] is a proud ambitious army that cares nothing for all the laws that men have made; nothing for their time-honoured customs, or most deeply cherished beliefs, or deepest instincts.
W. Churchill (Popular Mechanics, 1932)

A nun is undressing for a bath and while she's standing naked, there's a knock at the door. The nun calls, "Who is it?"

A voice answers, "A blind salesman."

The nun decides to get a thrill by having the blind man in the room while she's naked so she lets him in. The man walks in, looks straight at the nun and says, "Uhhhh, well hello there, can I sell you a blind, dearie...?"

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa....

'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have
killed most of us sitting here, years ago.. Red meat is
awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese
food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous,
and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the
germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing
that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have eaten, or
will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that
causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating
it?'

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in
the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding
Cake.'

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"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster

There were two blondes, and they had just came from a store.

The blonde that owned the mustang had locked her keys in the car. She was trying to pick the lock when she stoped to rest for a second.

When she sat down, her friend said, "Hurry up, it's starting to rain and the top's down!"

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LETS BEGIN IN 2010

Why did the chicken cross the road? To prove to the squirrels it could be done.

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LETS BEGIN IN 2010