This came from here http://www.jokes.com/ so I think it is one U.S."comedian" having a go at what he/she considers to be the absurdities of "life" some of which I find sort of funny and others well daft for want of any description.

I always wondered why no one ever put on a show featuring a duet of Benny Hill and Archie Bunker! Man - that would have rocked the world!

Q. Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?

A. He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!

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LETS BEGIN IN 2010

Mrs. Schroedinger to Mr. Schroedinger: What the hell did you do to the cat? It looks half dead!!!

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"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." - Albert Einstein
Vextor Homepage | Vextor Blog

Reposted with the objectionable parts deleted.

The numbered items were in the original post and the

• Bulleted items were in my response.
  

Things Found Only in America
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

• This could happen, but not in my experience :-D
  

2. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

• If a cosmetic, drug, or other product sold at drugstores were found to cause as much damage to health and property as cigarettes do, it would be off the shelves before you could hear about it on the 6 o'clock news.
  

3. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.

• When I do such things, it is because I want my calories in something a little more interesting and filling than a Coka-Cola.
  

4. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.

• This could happen somewhere, but not in my experience :-D
  

5. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

• .......and spend $100 per month on a locker to store $50 worth of stuff, and keep it there for years.
  

6. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

• This could happen to someone, but not in my experience. Caller ID to screen calls and no Call Waiting. :-D
  

7. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

• Now this does happen in my experience, and it really sucks :-D
  

8. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

• politics (n.) 1529, "science of government," from politic (adj.), modeled on Aristotle's ta politika "affairs of state," the name of his book on governing and governments, which was in Eng. 1450 as "Polettiques."
  
  
• "Politicks is the science of good sense, applied to public affairs, and, as those are forever changing, what is wisdom to-day would be folly and perhaps, ruin to-morrow. Politicks is not a science so properly as a business. It cannot have fixed principles, from which a wise man would never swerve, unless the inconstancy of men's view of interest and the capriciousness of the tempers could be fixed." [Fisher Ames (1758–1808)]
  
  
• So it was either the Greeks or the French who invented the word, and it has nothing to do with insects.
  

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Set It Free
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. If it just sits in your room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your phone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it.

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Old enough to know better(but)still young enough not to care

A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes Officer?"

"What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine." Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?" The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting."

"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man. "I'm nineteen," he replied. "And how old is she?" asked the officer. The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be sixteen."

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LETS BEGIN IN 2010

Did you hear about the blonde who snorted Sweet 'n' Low?


She thought it was Diet Coke.

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What do you can ten blonds in A FREEZER?

FROSTED FLAKES

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LETS BEGIN IN 2010

Why did the Blonde stare at the can of orange juice for three hours?

Because the Label read CONCENTRATE!

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LETS BEGIN IN 2010

Q: What do you call 1 lawyer up to his neck in sand?

A: Not Enough Sand!

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Q: What do you call 500 lawyers up to their necks in sand?

A: Not Enough Sand!

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Q: What do you call 500 lawyers up to their necks in sand, at the bottom of the ocean?

A: A Good Start!

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Tips when traveling in the South (of USA, aka the CSA).

• If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth eating.
  
• If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel-drive truck with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help, just stay out of their way -- this is what they live for.
  
• Don't be surprised to find boiled peanuts, movie rentals and fishing bait in the same store.
  
• Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
  
• Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
  
• If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" -- stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
  
• If you see a turn signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased, back in 1966.
  
• Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. They are to be positioned directly in front of one's trailer, since it cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
  
• As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember: many Southerners learned to drive on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.
  

Lack of Vision

70-year-old George went for his annual physical. He told the doctor that he felt fine, but often had to go to the bathroom during the night. Then he said, "But you know Doc, I'm blessed. God knows my eyesight is going, so he puts on the light when I pee, and turns it off when I'm done!"

A little later in the day, Dr. Smith called George's wife and said, "Your husband's test results were fine, but he said something strange that has been bugging me. He claims that God turns the light on and off for him when uses the bathroom at night."

Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's been peeing in the refrigerator again!"

The best 10 years

Q: What are the best 10 years of a blonde's life?

A: Third grade.

Devil in the Church

One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.

Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly. Satan walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Because I've been married to your sister for over 48 years."

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Penguin Delivery
A bus driver on his route sees a van from the zoo stranded on the side of the road. The zoo worker offers the bus driver $100 to help him deliver two dozen penguins. The bus driver agrees and loads the penguins on the bus.

An hour later, the zoo worker gets his van fixed and heads to the zoo. On the road, he sees the bus driver and the penguins driving in the opposite direction. He catches up to the bus and pulls them over.

The zoo worker yells, "I gave you a $100 to take the penguins to the zoo for me. Why are you still driving them around?"

"Calm down," the bus driver says, "I took the penguins to the zoo. We had change left over, so now I'm taking them to the movies."

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Old enough to know better(but)still young enough not to care

Mike was attending his hunting club's monthly meeting and had just told them
he couldn't make the hunting trip scheduled for the next day because his wife
wouldn't let him go.

After listening to the jeers and other derisive remarks from his buddies Mike
left to go back home to his wife.

When Mike's friends started arriving to set up camp the next day, who should be
there but Mike sitting in front of his tent, cocktail in hand, camp oven roast
stewing away in a hot bed of coals.

"How did ya talk your wife into letting you go Mike?"
"I didn't have to" was Mike's reply.

"When I left the meeting I went home and slumped down in my chair with a
cocktail to drown my sorrows. Then Melissa snuck up behind me and covered my
eyes and said, 'Surprise'!"

When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see-through
negligee and she said, "Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can
do whatever you want."

So, here I am!

Mike needs a change of his priorities.

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A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him begging.

Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?

Patient: Why? Docor, it wasn't all that bad this time.

Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don't want to miss the four o'clock ball game.

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LETS BEGIN IN 2010

The Vet Bill
A man rushes his limp dog to the veterinarian. The doctor pronounces the dog dead. The agitated man demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat. The cat sniffs the body and meows. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too."

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.

The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body and barks. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead, too."

The man finally resigns to the diagnosis and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650."

"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaims the man.

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 is for the cat scan and lab tests."

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Old enough to know better(but)still young enough not to care

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.
The first man was an Engineer,
the second man was an Accountant,
the third man was a Chemist, and
the fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat, ‘T-square, do your stuff.’

T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said,
‘Spreadsheet, do your stuff.’

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.
Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, ‘Measure, do your stuff.’

Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, ‘What can your cat do?’

The Government Employee called his cat and said, ‘CoffeeBreak, do your stuff.’

CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet…….

ate the cookies……..
drank the milk…….
pooped on the paper…….

had nookie-nookie with the other three cats…….

claimed he injured his back while doing so…

filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions..

put in for Workers Compensation

and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave…
And that my friend, is why everyone wants to work for government!!

. . .
The Government Employee called his cat and said, ‘CoffeeBreak, do your stuff.’

CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet…….

ate the cookies……..
drank the milk…….
pooped on the paper…….

had nookie-nookie with the other three cats…….

claimed he injured his back while doing so…

filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions..

put in for Workers Compensation

and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave…
And that my friend, is why everyone wants to work for government!!

This sounds like a lot of work!

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