A man goes into the doctors feeling a little ill

The doctor checks him over and says, Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus.

It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live.

There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth..'

So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.

Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.

They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £35.

Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £320.

Then he gets the full house and wins £1000.

Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting £380,000.

The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says,

'Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the national game on the same card.

You must be the luckiest man on Earth!'

'Lucky?' he screamed. 'Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24 .'

'Blow me,' says the bingo caller.

'You've won the raffle as well

---

.


A person who makes no mistakes, creates nothing.

Diary of a snow shoveler...

December 8: 6:00 PM. 2006
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9: 2006
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a lovelier place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. I shoveled for the first time in years, felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12: 2006
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry; we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14: 2006
Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15: 2006
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. I bought snow tires for the wife's car and two extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16: 2006
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17: 2006
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for five hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20: 2006
Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower, and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22: 2006
Bob was right about a white Christmas, because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt 'til August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel, and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel! Tried to hire Bob, who has a plow on his truck, for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.

December 23: 2006
Only 2" of snow today, and it warmed up to "0". The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What, is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think she's lying.

December 24: 2006
6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over everywhere I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the Goddamn snowplow.

December 25: 2006
Merry F!=3D@x@!x!x1 Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26: 2006
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27: 2006
Temperature dropped to -30, and the pipes froze. Plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him; he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28: 2006
Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. The BITCH is driving me crazy!!!!!

December 29: 2006
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30: 2006
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver. He is now suing me for a million dollars; not for only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.

December 31: 2006
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8: 2007
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?


Read more at http://www.snopes.com/humor/follies/snowdiary.asp#wDS0xJUmB7vVGuWv.99

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BOINC WIKI

(My apologies if we've done these before. I can't remember. I know some
of them are repeats.)
--------------------

1.) I tried to catch some fog…..I mist.

2.) When chemists die….They barium.

3.) Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

4.) A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray…Is now a seasoned veteran

5.) I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid…He says he can stop anytime.

6.) How does Moses make his tea ?…..Hebrews it.

7.) I stayed up all night to see where the sun went….Then it dawned on me.

8.) This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club..But I never met herbivore.

9.) I’m reading a book about anti-gravity…..I can’t put it down.

10.) I did a theatrical performance about puns…..It was a play on words.

11.) They told me I had type A blood…But it was a type O.

12.) A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

13.) PMS jokes aren’t funny….Period !

14.) Why were the Indians here first ?….They had reservations.

15.) Class trip to the Coca Cola factory…..I hope there’s no pop quiz.

16.) Energizer Bunny arrested……Charged with battery.

17.) I didn’t like my beard at first….Then it grew on me.

18.) How do you make Holy water ?….Boil the hell out of it.

19.) What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary ?…A thesaurus.

20.) When you get a bladder infection….urine trouble.

21.) What does a clock do when it is hungry ?..It goes back for seconds.

22.) I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger….And then it hit me.

23.) Broken pencils are pointless.

---

~Sue~

---

~Sue~

Have You Been Here?

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go there alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

I have yet to be in Continent, I don't remember what country it's in. But I expect I'll be there sometime in the next several years.

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~Sue~

Ah you're a funny girl Suzie, had trouble there a couple of times keeping the rice in my mouth. ;-)

Cheers.

29. If a man says he will fix it, He will. There is no reason to remind him every 6 months about it.

---

.


A person who makes no mistakes, creates nothing.

Ah you're a funny girl Suzie, had trouble there a couple of times keeping the rice in my mouth. ;-)

Cheers.

Until you can not keep the rice in your mouth, my
job is not done.

(Thanks)

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~Sue~

Ah you're a funny girl Suzie, had trouble there a couple of times keeping the rice in my mouth. ;-)

Cheers.

Until you can not keep the rice in your mouth, my
job is not done.

(Thanks)

So you're determined to take the food out of an old fellow's mouth then are you? :-O

(note to self, do not read Suzie's posts while engaged in eating again)

Cheers.

Reality demands a codicil to rule 8: if the weakest bladder can't hold it, the guy who wouldn't stop soon enough has to clean up the seat.

---

David
Sitting on my butt while others boldly go,
Waiting for a message from a small furry creature from Alpha Centauri.

Which is over-ruled by rule 22/7 sub-clause 3.1.4.2 - "If you make an uncontrolled mess but are not in the driving seat you clean up it".

---

Bob Smith
Member of Seti PIPPS (Pluto is a Planet Protest Society)
Somewhere in the (un)known Universe?

Dan wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas
Party.

Dan is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at
all.
He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Dan had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a
couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.

And, next to them, was a single red rose!!

Dan sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly
clean; so is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at
him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red
with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove.
I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight.
I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming
hot coffee, and the morning newspaper.

His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating.

Dan asks, "Son... what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and out of your mind.
You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the
hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and
so clean?
I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she
tried to take your pants off, you screamed....

"Leave me alone, I'm married!"

Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $6.20
Two Aspirins $.58
Saying the right thing, at the right time... PRICELESS

---

"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster

Nick Clegg walked into a branch of HSBC to cash a cheque. As he approached the cashier he said "Good morning, could you please cash this cheque for me"?

Cashier: "It would be my pleasure Sir. Could you please show me your ID?"

Clegg: "Well I didn’t bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Nick Clegg, the Deputy Prime Minister!!!"

Cashier: "I’m sorry, but with all the regulations, monitoring, of the banks because of impostors and forgers, etc. I must insist on proof of identity."

Clegg: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."

Cashier: "I am sorry Deputy Prime Minister but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

Clegg: "I need this cheque cashed."

Cashier: "Perhaps there’s another way: One day Colin Montgomery came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Colin Montgomery he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Colin Montgomery and cashed his cheque.

Another time, Andy Murray came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that spectacular shot we cashed his cheque.. So sir, what can you do to prove that you, and only you, are the Deputy Prime Minister?"

Clegg stood there thinking...........

















and finally said: "Honestly, I can't think of a single thing I'm good at."

Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes, Deputy Prime Minister?"

---

Bob Smith
Member of Seti PIPPS (Pluto is a Planet Protest Society)
Somewhere in the (un)known Universe?

---

rOZZ
Music
Pictures

Good one Julie.

Cheers.

Dear Friends,

My wife Toni is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be something akin to, "hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I have outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story chronicled in a LifeTime movie in the near future. Here goes.

Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought something really cool for Toni. The occasion was our 22nd
anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb. Tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed,
muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing out—way too cool!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!!

Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two <nobr>triple-a</nobr> batteries, etc., etc. There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Gracie) and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to Toni to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time. . .

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!"

Friggin' way—trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what followed. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head
cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight—always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY SHIT!

DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my
side in the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Gracie was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!" (Note: if you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.) SON-OF-A-BITCH that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.

Film at eleven....


(Please note, this is not about me, I am not quite that intelligence challenged. jm7)

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BOINC WIKI

Good thing you didn't buy her a gun.LOL.

---

Good thing you didn't buy her a gun.LOL.

The story was found on the web. I am not that good a candidate for a darwin award.

---

BOINC WIKI

John, that had me going at "tank top"....... (I won't elaborate for fear of being politically incorrect and slapped), over here men wear singlets and women wear.... ;-)

But I guess that the person didn't get to the part in the instructions about how the transformer/s, oscillator and capacitor/s between those batteries and those electrodes works. ROFLMFAO!!!!!!

It reminded me of a good old 2.5 men episode, I hope that the person learned their lesson anyway. :-D

Cheers.

Good thing you didn't buy her a gun.LOL.

The story was found on the web. I am not that good a candidate for a darwin award.

They all say that. LOL.

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