Message boards :
Cafe SETI :
Right in the Funny Bone
Message board moderation
Previous · 1 . . . 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 . . . 15 · Next
Author | Message |
---|---|
Dune_Finkleberry Send message Joined: 25 Feb 06 Posts: 6454 Credit: 198,656 RAC: 0 |
Why do transformers hum? 'Cause they don't know the words! Account frozen... |
Stacey Jane Send message Joined: 28 Feb 07 Posts: 1717 Credit: 49,536 RAC: 0 |
Why do transformers hum? A Badum' bum. hee hee hee, Dune smart. |
Matthew Love Send message Joined: 26 Sep 99 Posts: 7763 Credit: 879,151 RAC: 0 |
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD? Plato: For the greater good. Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability. Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained. Hippocrates: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas. Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD! Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out. Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take. Douglas Adams: Forty-two. Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you. Oliver North: National Security was at stake. B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will. Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being. Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road. Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects "chicken" and "road", and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence. Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference. Aristotle: To actualize its potential. Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken- nature. |
Jerry S Zelinske Send message Joined: 24 Sep 06 Posts: 59 Credit: 78,067 RAC: 0 |
why is there no privacy on a farm? The potatos have eyes, the corn has ears, and the pigs squeel |
Dune_Finkleberry Send message Joined: 25 Feb 06 Posts: 6454 Credit: 198,656 RAC: 0 |
The Blonde and the Deodorant The blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don''t sell anything called bottom deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures him that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more. "I''m sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don''t have any." "But I always get it here," says the blonde. "Do you have the container it comes in?" "Yes!" says the blonde, "I will go and get it." She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist, who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant." The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: "To apply, push up bottom." Account frozen... |
Matthew Love Send message Joined: 26 Sep 99 Posts: 7763 Credit: 879,151 RAC: 0 |
Why did the blonde stare at a cna of orange juice for three hours? it said concentrate! |
Matthew Love Send message Joined: 26 Sep 99 Posts: 7763 Credit: 879,151 RAC: 0 |
Why did the turtle cross the road? To get to the shell station |
Matthew Love Send message Joined: 26 Sep 99 Posts: 7763 Credit: 879,151 RAC: 0 |
What did the sink say to the water faucet? -- you're a real drip |
Dune_Finkleberry Send message Joined: 25 Feb 06 Posts: 6454 Credit: 198,656 RAC: 0 |
The Magician and the Parrot There was magician on a cruise ship, and he was really good. He was performing the highlight of his show when a parrot walked onstage and squawked, ''It's in his sleeve!'' The magician chased the bird away. The next day the magician was performing his highlight again (in front of a smaller audience) when the parrot walked onstage and declared, ''It's in his pocket!'' The next day, as he was performing the highlight, he saw the parrot in the crowd. But before the parrot could ruin the magic trick, the boat crashed into a rock and sank. The magician was lucky enough to find a board to hang on to. On the other end of the board was the parrot. They stared at each other for three full days, neither of them saying anything, when suddenly the parrot said, ''I give up, what'd you do with the ship?'' Account frozen... |
Jerry S Zelinske Send message Joined: 24 Sep 06 Posts: 59 Credit: 78,067 RAC: 0 |
The Magician and the Parrot hey, I already posted that one in the other joke thread... |
Dune_Finkleberry Send message Joined: 25 Feb 06 Posts: 6454 Credit: 198,656 RAC: 0 |
hey, I already posted that one in the other joke thread... Sorry! I thought I had read it before. :-( I get my material from Comedycentral.com Account frozen... |
Dune_Finkleberry Send message Joined: 25 Feb 06 Posts: 6454 Credit: 198,656 RAC: 0 |
Soy Toy While going through his wife’s dresser drawers, a farmer discovered three soybeans and an envelope containing $30 in cash. The farmer confronted his wife, and when asked about the curious items, she confessed: “Over the years, I haven’t been completely faithful to you.†“When I did fool around, I put a soybean in the drawer to remind myself of my indiscretion,†she explained. The farmer admitted that he had not always been faithful either, and therefore, was inclined to forgive and forget her few moments of weakness. “I’m curious though,†he said, “Where did the thirty dollars come from?†“Oh that, †his wife replied, “Well, when soybeans hit ten dollars a bushel, I sold out!†Account frozen... |
SplatRat Send message Joined: 20 Mar 07 Posts: 57 Credit: 55,270 RAC: 0 |
I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, and I've even done it myself accidentally a couple times, but this one is important. So please send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list. If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warming weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, ...DO NOT DO IT!! IT IS A SCAM!! They only want to see you naked...I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid. |
Dune_Finkleberry Send message Joined: 25 Feb 06 Posts: 6454 Credit: 198,656 RAC: 0 |
I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, and I've even done it myself accidentally a couple times, but this one is important. So please send this warning to everyone on your e-mail list. I know... I always feel so used. Account frozen... |
SplatRat Send message Joined: 20 Mar 07 Posts: 57 Credit: 55,270 RAC: 0 |
I know... I always feel so used. LOL ! Thanks there Dune - now I don't feel so bad ;) I always fall for them scams :( DARN ! |
Stacey Jane Send message Joined: 28 Feb 07 Posts: 1717 Credit: 49,536 RAC: 0 |
Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all). When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one perplexed accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please." --------------- Another scam, I guess you guys should beware of engineers too. Some of them can't be trusted, the trickers. |
Stacey Jane Send message Joined: 28 Feb 07 Posts: 1717 Credit: 49,536 RAC: 0 |
An engineer was enjoying his very first vacation ever, relaxing on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. It was wonderful, the experience of his life. He was being waited on hand and foot. But a hurricane came, and the ship went down instantly. The man found himself swept up onto the shore of an island. There was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No person, no supplies, nothing. The man looked around. There were some bananas and coconuts, but that was it. He was desperate, and forlorn, but decided to make the best of it. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and mostly looked to the sea hoping for a ship to come to his rescue. One day, as he was lying on the beach stroking his beard and looking for a ship, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. Could it be true, was it a ship? No. From around the corner of the island came a rowboat. But in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, or at least seen in four months. She was tall, tanned, and her blond hair flowing in the sea breeze gave her an almost ethereal quality. She spotted him waving and yelling and screaming to get her attention and rowed her boat towards him. In disbelief, he asked, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" She said, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed on this island when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? Where, did you get the rowboat? Wow, you were really lucky to have a rowboat wash-up with you!" "It is only me." she said, "And the rowboat didn't wash up, nothing else did." "Well then," asked the man, "how did you get the rowboat?" "I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island", replied the woman. "The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree." "But," asked the man, "what about tools and hardware, how did you do that?" "Oh, no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island there is a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it in my kiln it would melt into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware. But, enough of that," she said. "Where do you live?" The engineer was forced to confess that he had been sleeping on the beach. "Well, let's row over to my place," she said. So they both got into the rowboat and left for her side of the island. The woman rowed them around to a wharf that led to the approach to her place. She tied up the rowboat with a beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk and around a palm tree. There stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. "It's not much," she said, "but I call it home. After a while exchanging stories, the woman asked, "Have you always had a beard?" "No, I was clean shaven all of my life, even on the cruise ship," he replied. "Well if you would like to shave, there is a men's razor upstairs in the bathroom." The man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bathroom. There in the cabinet, was a razor made from a bone handle, two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. The man shaved, showered and went back down stairs. "You look great," said the woman, "I think I will go up and slip into something more comfortable." After a short time, the woman returned wearing fig leaves strategically positioned and smelling faintly of gardenia. "Tell me," she asked, "we have both been out here for a very long time with no companionship. Have you been lonely, is there anything that you really miss? Something that all men need, and women, too. Something that it would be really nice to have right now." "Yes there is, " the man replied, as he moved closer to the woman and fixed a winsome gaze upon her. "Tell me, do you have an Internet connection?" |
Sarge Send message Joined: 25 Aug 99 Posts: 12273 Credit: 8,569,109 RAC: 79 |
"Yes there is, " the man replied, as he moved closer to the woman and fixed a winsome gaze upon her. "Tell me, do you have an Internet connection?" LOL! Good one, Stacey Jane! Capitalize on this good fortune, one word can bring you round ... changes. |
Knightmare Send message Joined: 16 Aug 04 Posts: 7472 Credit: 94,252 RAC: 0 |
I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, come home and expect to be fed and stroked, then want to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat. Air Cold, the blade stops; from silent stone, Death is preordained Calm Chaos Forums : Everyone Welcome |
Knightmare Send message Joined: 16 Aug 04 Posts: 7472 Credit: 94,252 RAC: 0 |
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother." A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid ***** was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!" The cab driver hit a parked car... Air Cold, the blade stops; from silent stone, Death is preordained Calm Chaos Forums : Everyone Welcome |
©2024 University of California
SETI@home and Astropulse are funded by grants from the National Science Foundation, NASA, and donations from SETI@home volunteers. AstroPulse is funded in part by the NSF through grant AST-0307956.