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| Personal background |
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| Do you drive in the left lane of the expressway without exceeding the posted speed limit while the nearest car in front of you is 3 miles away? If so, and you live in the U.S.A., then I am the guy behind you flashing the headlights, honking the horn, and gesturing wildly. In case you could not read the Rules of the Road booklet when you last renewed your driver's license at the DMV, THE LEFT LANE IS FOR PASSING, not parking or cruising. Perhaps one of those gigantic, petroleum-thirsty SUVs obstructs your view of the sign that says "SLOWER TRAFFIC KEEP RIGHT." I realize there are occasionally circumstances beyond your comprehension, so I will give you 3 seconds to extract your cranium from wherever it may be lodged and move that lemon a lane to the right. If, several miles down the road, you see my car in front of a police vehicle and the disco lights are on, I give you permission to laugh hysterically and call my ancestors and me whatever you want. But in the meantime, if you don't get that pile of bolts out of my way, a well-maintained, fuel-efficient vehicle and its highly-trained driver are going right up your tailpipe. Cheers! |
| Thoughts about SETI and SETI@home |
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| Extraterrestrial life will exist as soon as SETI is able to discern signs of it from the unimaginably vast space surrounding our dimunitive dustball. Assuming a signal is found, I imagine that the people who know about it will collectively speculate wildly for a few years about the possibilities, then a series of wars will occur between believers in science and believers in higher powers, then the bloody masses will agree to disagree and print lots more money and give it to NASA, despite Greenspan's fervent objections, so they can build a jillion-dollar telephone to call E.T., then some genius at the JPL is going to smack his forehead and say "Duh! We really Planck'd this one! We totally forgot about that speed of light thing!" because it's going to take approximately 4,000 years to get that phone call to E.T. and his reply to come back, then President Al Gore Jr. is going to say "You folks at NASA did a great job with that jillion taxpayer dollars and two rolls of duct tape, but please write that down somewhere so we remember to check the Cosmic Answering Machine in 4,000 years," then the world will go back to its original state before SETI found the signal, except that all the scientists are going to be so busy daydreaming about the possibilities and trying to squeeze money out of a tur, uh, Congress that they'll forget that the magnetic tape in the answering machine dry-rotted about 3,999 years ago and we'll miss E.T.'s return message, which will be "Thanks for calling, but we object to the ads for Taco Bell, Nike, and Starbucks, so please remove our number from your database. Also, please stop transmitting BowFlex commercials." |
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