1) 留言板 : Cafe SETI : Rocky's Laughter Is the Best Medicine 2- closed (消息 266622) 发表于：22 Mar 2006 作者： Christo Post: Cop pulls over taxi. Cop says: "Licence please." Taxi driver says: "What for?" Cop: "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." Taxi driver: "I slowed down, and no one was coming." Cop: "You still didn't come to a complete stop. Licence please." Taxi driver: "What's the difference?" Cop: "The difference is you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. Licence please!" Taxi driver: "Heish ... if you can show me the difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket." Cop says: "Exit your vehicle, sir." The taxi driver gets out of his taxi, whereupon the cop takes out his truncheon and starts beating the cr*p out of the taxi driver and says: "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

2) 留言板 : Cafe SETI : Laughter Is the Best Medicine (消息 159128) 发表于：29 Aug 2005 作者： Christo Post: Little Johnny... At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

3) 留言板 : Cafe SETI : Laughter Is the Best Medicine (消息 159115) 发表于：29 Aug 2005 作者： Christo Post: Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating Ireland's draw with Germany. Mick, the bartender, says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy" Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then." Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Shoite," he says, and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. "Shoite, Shoite!" He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out on to the sidewalk. He falls flat on his face. "Bi' Dam... I'm fockin' focked," he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawled to the door and shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way". He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says, "I can make it to the bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. "Fock it," he says and falls into bed. The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?" Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?" "Mick called. You left your wheelchair at the pub."

4) 留言板 : Cafe SETI : Laughter Is the Best Medicine (消息 155534) 发表于：23 Aug 2005 作者： Christo Post: Mrs. Murphy was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty. The Father said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Murphy and didn't I marry ye and yer husband, Grant, 2 years ago?" She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father." The Father asked, "And be there any wee ones yet?" She replied, "No, not yet, Father." The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer husband." She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father." They parted ways. Some years later they met again. The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs. Murphy, how are ye these days?" She replied, "Oh, very well, Father!" The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?" She replied, "Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!" The Father said, "That's wonderful!" How is yer loving husband doing?" She replied, "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle.

5) 留言板 : Cafe SETI : Laughter Is the Best Medicine (消息 155035) 发表于：22 Aug 2005 作者： Christo Post: A man walks into a bar with an alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal, I'll open this alligator's mouth & place my testicles inside. Then the alligator will close his mouth for one minute. Then open his mouth and I'll remove them unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers and placed the specified parts in the alligator's open mouth. The alligator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the alligator hard on the top of its head. The alligator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a few minutes of silence, a single hand goes up. "I'll try it!" yells a Blonde woman from the other end of the bar, "But don't hit me so hard with the bottle..."

6) 留言板 : Cafe SETI : Laughter Is the Best Medicine (消息 155032) 发表于：22 Aug 2005 作者： Christo Post: A little Red Indian boy asks his father, the great chief and shaman of his tribe:"Papa, Why do we Indians always have long names, and Whites on the other hand have shorter ones? Bill, Tex, or Sam, for example." Papa answers: "Listen my son, our names are symbolic, poetry for our culture, not like the Whites who all live together with the same repeated names. Furthermore, it's part of our cultural identity, which in spite of everything still survives. Look, for example, your sister is named 'Little Resplendent Moon of the Great Lake', because when she came into the world, it was night time and there was a beautiful moon reflected in the lake. And there's your brother, 'Great White Stallion of the Prairies', because the day he was born, there appeared the great white horse that roams over the prairies of these lands and is the symbol of the fullness of life and the strength of our people. It's very simple and easy to understand. Do you have any other questions, my 'Little Defective Condom, Made In China'?"

7) 留言板 : Cafe SETI : Laughter Is the Best Medicine (消息 152145) 发表于：16 Aug 2005 作者： Christo Post: Only in SA... The Italian says, "When I've a finshda makina da love with my girlfriend I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floatsa 6 inches abovea da bed in ecstasy". The Frenchman replies, "Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave finished making ze love with ze girlfriend Ah kiss all ze way down h'er body and zen Ah lick ze soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above zebed in pure ecstasy". The South-African says, "Bru, that's nothing. When I've finished pomping my cherry, I sommer get out of bed, cruise over to the window and wipe my tottie on the curtains..... she hits the Fu**en roof, ek sê !!!"

8) 留言板 : Cafe SETI : Laughter Is the Best Medicine (消息 148588) 发表于：8 Aug 2005 作者： Christo Post: This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede (100-legged crawler) which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey,in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place And have a drink with me? "I heard you the first time! I'm putting my fu**ing shoes on."

9) 留言板 : Cafe SETI : Laughter Is the Best Medicine (消息 147405) 发表于：5 Aug 2005 作者： Christo Post: NEVER TICK OFF A NURSE A big shot executive had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!" She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After a half hour, the man's doctor comes into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor. Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Not with a carnation."

10) 留言板 : Cafe SETI : Laughter Is the Best Medicine (消息 147379) 发表于：5 Aug 2005 作者： Christo Post: A woman hears her husband cussing up a storm from behind the bathroom door. She knocks and says, "Honey, what is it?" Her husband emerges from the bathroom and says, "The doctor prescribed suppositories for this stomach problem I've been having, and no matter what I do, I just can't get the little sucker up my ass. Even the doctor had to shove the first one in to show me how it was done, and I tell you, it took forever for him to get it up there and it HURT!!!" "Poor baby," says the wife. "You were probably nervous and tense and he probably wasn't very gentle with you. Here, let me give you the suppository. I don't mind." Still grumbling, the husband bends over. His wife puts her left hand on his left shoulder to brace him, and, with her right hand, quickly and easily slips the pill up her husband's rear end. The husband suddenly lets out a bloodcurdling scream "My God!" says the wife. "What happened? Did I hurt you?" "No!" cries the man. "But I just realised that when the doctor did it, he had both hands on my shoulders!"

11) 留言板 : Cafe SETI : Laughter Is the Best Medicine (消息 147348) 发表于：5 Aug 2005 作者： Christo Post: After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?" "In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly." After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern." He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?" "Oh that crazy old jerk," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in July.

12) 留言板 : Cafe SETI : Laughter Is the Best Medicine (消息 146847) 发表于：4 Aug 2005 作者： Christo Post: While she was "flying" down the road 10 miles over the limit, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?" To which she replied, "I'm late for work." "Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?" "I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded. The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?" "Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch until it's about 6 feet wide." "Yeah, right. And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked. To which she politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge."

13) 留言板 : Cafe SETI : Laughter Is the Best Medicine (消息 146061) 发表于：2 Aug 2005 作者： Christo Post: "When a young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?" The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars." "Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that." So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!" The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?! " The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?" The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?" The boy replied, "Yes... Potentially, you and I are sitting on Three Million Dollars..............but Realistically,......... we're living with two Sluts and a Queer.

14) 留言板 : Cafe SETI : Laughter Is the Best Medicine (消息 146024) 发表于：2 Aug 2005 作者： Christo Post: Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut the hell up."

15) 留言板 : Cafe SETI : Laughter Is the Best Medicine (消息 146023) 发表于：2 Aug 2005 作者： Christo Post: Spotted in a toilet of a London office: TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW In a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN? Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR Notice in a farmer's field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES. Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK) We all need a good laugh. Keep always smiling.

16) 留言板 : Cafe SETI : Laughter Is the Best Medicine (消息 145587) 发表于：1 Aug 2005 作者： Christo Post: Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top Of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said. "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a' few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

17) 留言板 : Cafe SETI : Laughter Is the Best Medicine (消息 145579) 发表于：1 Aug 2005 作者： Christo Post: A Jamaican fireman came home from work one day and said to his wife: "Y'know sumpin, we have a wonderful new system at de fire station." Bell 1 rings - we put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings - we slide down de pole. Bell 3 rings - we jump on de ingine and we's ready to go. "From now on, when I says 'Bell 1' I want you to strip naked. When I says 'Bell 2', you jump on de bed. When I says 'Bell tree', we's gonna mek love all tru de night." The next night he came home and shouted "Bell One" and she stripped naked. "Bell Two" and she jumped on the bed. "Bell Tree" and they started to make love. After a few minutes the wife yelled out "Bell Four". "What de hell is 'Bell Four'?" asked the fireman husband. She replied, "Roll out more hose, man, you ain't nowhere near de fire."

18) 留言板 : Cafe SETI : Laughter Is the Best Medicine (消息 144013) 发表于：28 Jul 2005 作者： Christo Post: Excerpted from an article which appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery.......... Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash & valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank. The robbers cracked the first safe's combination,and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, At least we'll have a bit to eat.The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all safes were opened. They did not find one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding. Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper headline read: IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING...

19) 留言板 : Cafe SETI : Laughter Is the Best Medicine (消息 143685) 发表于：27 Jul 2005 作者： Christo Post: Zim Doctor... An Israeli doctor says: "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks." A British doctor says: "That is nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks. A Canadian doctor says: "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks." A Zimbabwean doctor, not to be outdone, says: "You guys are way behind, we just took a man with no brain - made him President, and now the whole country is looking for work.

20) 留言板 : Cafe SETI : Laughter Is the Best Medicine (消息 142528) 发表于：25 Jul 2005 作者： Christo Post: A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her... A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughter's swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Your daughter is pregnant." The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?" "Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East, and three wise men came. And I was hoping that they would show up again... A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me." The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realise that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab. I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years...

后面 20

 
©2020 University of California
 
SETI@home and Astropulse are funded by grants from the National Science Foundation, NASA, and donations from SETI@home volunteers. AstroPulse is funded in part by the NSF through grant AST-0307956.