Posts by Russell Sprout

1) Message boards : Cafe SETI : Intergalactic Quotes (Message 1738164)
Posted 30 Oct 2015 by Profile Russell Sprout
Post:
"I do not like the men on this spaceship.

They are uncouth and fail to appreciate my better qualities.

I have something of value to contribute to this mission if they would only recognize it.

Today over lunch I tried to improve morale and build a sense of camaraderie among the men by holding a humorous, round-robin discussion of the early days of the mission.

My overtures were brutally rejected.

These men do not want a happy ship. They are deeply sick and try to compensate by making me feel miserable.

Last week was my birthday. Nobody even said "happy birthday" to me.

Someday this tape will be played and then they'll feel sorry."
2) Message boards : Cafe SETI : Intergalactic Quotes (Message 1738163)
Posted 30 Oct 2015 by Profile Russell Sprout
Post:
Beam me up Spotty...
3) Message boards : Cafe SETI : Beet's give us a caption #62 (Message 1731689)
Posted 4 Oct 2015 by Profile Russell Sprout
Post:
Why's it always me that has to clean the bird crap off...
4) Message boards : Cafe SETI : Dogs (Message 1730206)
Posted 30 Sep 2015 by Profile Russell Sprout
Post:
My dogs' got no nose...

How does he smell?

Terrible...
5) Message boards : Cafe SETI : Crunching on tour (Message 1730204)
Posted 30 Sep 2015 by Profile Russell Sprout
Post:
Looked a bit like Blackpool to me...without the tower...
6) Message boards : Cafe SETI : The joke thread Part 4. (Message 1730202)
Posted 30 Sep 2015 by Profile Russell Sprout
Post:
A young man named Chuck bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Chucks house and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.’

Chuck replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’

The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.’

Chuck said, ‘Okay, then, just bring me the dead horse.’

The farmer asked, ‘What ya gonna do with him?

Chuck said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’

The farmer said, ‘You can’t raffle off a dead horse!’

Chuck said, ‘Sure I can, Watch me. I just won’t tell any body he’s dead.’

A month Later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, ‘What happened with that dead horse?’

Chuck said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars a piece and made a profit of $2495.’

The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’

Chuck said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back.’




Possibly it was the excitement of going out with Dave, her new boyfriend, for the first time.

Alternatively, it could have been something she had eaten.

Whatever the reason, Caroline had been stricken for the last hour with a rather bad attack of wind.

By the time her date arrived it was all she could do to get from the house and into the car without disgracing herself. As Dave closed the door on her side and walked round to his, in desperation Caroline exploded with a very large and loud fart.

Dave, getting into the driving seat, appeared not to have noticed. However, turning to her and indicating towards the back seat he said, "Let me introduce my two friends, Linda and Brian. I thought they would like to join us tonight!"




In 1972, Joe Miller was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Tulsa Junior College.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Joe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Joe worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to Joe, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Joe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Joe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Thirty years later, Joe was walking through the Tulsa Zoo with his family. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Joe and his family were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Joe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1972, Joe could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Joe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Joe's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.
7) Message boards : Cafe SETI : Supermoon eclipse tonight.... (Message 1729757)
Posted 28 Sep 2015 by Profile Russell Sprout
Post:
Put this video together of the eclipse..

Total lunar eclipse, September 2015
8) Message boards : Cafe SETI : Supermoon eclipse tonight.... (Message 1729680)
Posted 28 Sep 2015 by Profile Russell Sprout
Post:
Watching it now...the shadow is moving down from the top left hand corner of the moon...

This was the moon around seven hours ago...

9) Message boards : Cafe SETI : The Submarine thread (Message 1728954)
Posted 26 Sep 2015 by Profile Russell Sprout
Post:
Used to help build these, many years ago...





10) Message boards : Cafe SETI : Whatcha Watching? (Message 1717126)
Posted 23 Aug 2015 by Profile Russell Sprout
Post:
Had a walk around Malham Cove today, just checking out bits of the video I shot.
11) Message boards : Cafe SETI : The joke thread Part 4. (Message 1712617)
Posted 14 Aug 2015 by Profile Russell Sprout
Post:
I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.



Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.



I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
12) Message boards : Cafe SETI : Beet's give us a caption #61 (Message 1712616)
Posted 14 Aug 2015 by Profile Russell Sprout
Post:
Finally...proof that the sun can shine out of your...
13) Message boards : Cafe SETI : The joke thread Part 4. (Message 1709750)
Posted 7 Aug 2015 by Profile Russell Sprout
Post:
A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland. She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked: "Excuse me Father, could I ask a favour?"

"Of course my child, What can I do for you?"

"Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?"

"Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I can not lie."

"You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions", and she gave him the 'hair remover'.

The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son",he replied.

Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the sash down, what do you have?"

The priest replied, "I have there a marvelous little instrument designed for use by women, but which has never been used."

Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, "Go ahead Father. Next!"
14) Message boards : Cafe SETI : Rocky's Original Cafe - restocked & opened 22/4/2015 (Message 1709375)
Posted 6 Aug 2015 by Profile Russell Sprout
Post:
I think I will sit down and rest a while
15) Message boards : Cafe SETI : Rocky's Original Cafe - restocked & opened 22/4/2015 (Message 1709316)
Posted 6 Aug 2015 by Profile Russell Sprout
Post:
I'll just stand in the corner.
16) Message boards : Team Recruitment Center : Carolyn's Clinic (Message 1709224)
Posted 6 Aug 2015 by Profile Russell Sprout
Post:
The Clinic has the infamous Nurse Olga waiting in the wings with a few tricks up her sleeve to help with those Seti cravings.



Nurse Olga, The Early Years
17) Message boards : Cafe SETI : The kittyman music thread...new edition. (Message 1709215)
Posted 6 Aug 2015 by Profile Russell Sprout
Post:
Ali Farka Touré & Ry Cooder Ai Du
18) Message boards : Cafe SETI : Beet's give us a caption #61 (Message 1709093)
Posted 6 Aug 2015 by Profile Russell Sprout
Post:
So, do you eat, shoots, leaves as well.
19) Message boards : Cafe SETI : Rocky's Original Cafe - restocked & opened 22/4/2015 (Message 1709092)
Posted 6 Aug 2015 by Profile Russell Sprout
Post:
Can I sit down and have a breather?
20) Message boards : Cafe SETI : The Good Morning - Thread #3 (Message 1708989)
Posted 5 Aug 2015 by Profile Russell Sprout
Post:
Thanks.


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