The kittyman has been sober for five months.........and counting!!!!

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Message 1891277 - Posted: 22 Sep 2017, 6:54:23 UTC

Yes, you read that correctly.
The kittyman has been sober for five months.
Not one drop. Not one 'little bit'. Not one iota of cheating.
The kittyman has been sober for five months.
That's like, forever, in alcoholic years.

The kittyman has been sober for five months........................................
Do realize just how profound it is for me to be able to make that statement to you?
I will tell you exactly how profound it is.
Do you know when the last time in my life was that I could have told you that and be telling the absolute truth?

That would have been in................1974.

My junior year in high school, 43 years ago.

By the time I graduated in 1975, I was all in, and did not turn around for 43 years.
For 43 years, alcohol controlled me and led me by the nose, with the devil following close behind all the way. It must have been quite some task for the Lord above to keep me alive to see today. Alcohol was in complete control, and no matter how much I postured to the contrary, I was totally in it's grasp.

The reason that I posted this thread stand-alone rather than include it in my kittyman thread was my hope that perhaps a few people who long ago had written me off, put me on filter, and refuse to even look at anything I post, just might be curious enough to give me one more chance.

I was a very difficult, rude and uncaring person on these Seti boards for so many years.
I hope that in my current condition, some might now accept it when I tell you that I am truly so sorry that I was that person for so very long.
I am sorry, so very sorry to all that I offended. And that list must be incredibly long.

April 21st, 2017 was the last day I drank. Period. I actually had a half a bottle of whiskey left on the table in front of me when I made my decision. It stayed there untouched for about 2 months.
Then one Friday night, I picked it up.
And without any hesitation, went to the bathroom and poured it where it was destined to go anyway. But this time, I did not filter it through my kidneys first.

The kittyman has been sober for five months.
I swear that I never ever thought I would say those words. But here I am. Proud that I can say them, and ashamed that would even have to.

With the help of some new medications I am taking, and the grace of God above, I hope that I will be able to update this thread from time to time with continued news of my newfound sobriety.

And I am right now in tears of joy as I write this, because I finally, after 43 years of punishing myself, I can finally begin to forgive myself.

And friends, I pray that somehow you can find it in your hearts to forgive me too.

Mark.
"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster

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Profile Gordon Lowe
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Message 1891289 - Posted: 22 Sep 2017, 9:23:42 UTC - in response to Message 1891277.  

There's no doubt about it. That's an incredible achievement, and I'm very happy to read about it.

Congratulations, Mark!
The mind is a weird and mysterious place
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Message 1891294 - Posted: 22 Sep 2017, 10:51:39 UTC - in response to Message 1891277.  

Well done, Mark. That's fantastic news. I wish you "sterkte"* in the weeks and months ahead.

As a long-time lurker and occasional contributor to these forums, I've spent a fair bit of time reading some of your more ... er ... colourful posts. :) You've never abused or even argued with me, so I have nothing to forgive. Others, I am sure, probably do - and I hope and trust that they will.

* Literally translated as "strength", sterkte is an Afrikaans word used to wish someone the strength to persevere.
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Message 1891354 - Posted: 22 Sep 2017, 16:16:44 UTC
Last modified: 22 Sep 2017, 16:27:44 UTC

Thank you, Chris.
Thank you, Gordon.
And thank you, John, for the special dose of 'sterkte'.

I shall endeavor to persevere.

Meow, says the Nyan kitty!!!!
"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster

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Message 1891357 - Posted: 22 Sep 2017, 16:20:00 UTC



Congratulations Mark. That is great news.
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Message 1891359 - Posted: 22 Sep 2017, 16:22:36 UTC

Fantastic news Mark.
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Message 1891365 - Posted: 22 Sep 2017, 16:29:02 UTC

Thank you, Carlos.
Thank you, Gary.

I can tell ya that it is a wonderful thing to be back on the other side of that line that I crossed 43 years ago!!
Meow!
"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster

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Message 1891389 - Posted: 22 Sep 2017, 18:11:43 UTC

Mark,

I am so glad you can make this post. At times I was worried that you wouldn't.

I hope that those of us that didn't abandon you managed to act as some encouragement for you.

I can understand how much you had to work at it, and how difficult it must have been and still is for you.

I'm still cheering you on and sending all the strength I can to continue.
Happy Crunching,

Graham

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Message 1891390 - Posted: 22 Sep 2017, 18:11:52 UTC - in response to Message 1891365.  

Congratulations Mark! :-)
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Message 1891394 - Posted: 22 Sep 2017, 18:25:23 UTC

Thank you, Graham.
Thank you, Lynn.
And again, Chris.

It's not so hard as you might think. At least not right now. I've not really even been tempted to have a nip.
I go into the same convenience store for gas and cigs that I used to get my hootch. It's still there behind the counter. But I have not in the slightest had any notion to get any more.

The trick is going to be getting over some very difficult personal events that are on the horizon and shall inevitably come my way.

My father is still alive. He's 80.
My mother is still alive. She's 78.
My two kitties are 16, that's 80 in human years.
I have two younger brothers that hopefully see my passing rather than the other way around, but one never knows.
Lori is my age. And at 60, anything at any time, as they say.

That is going to be my real first test. The first deeply personal loss that I experience. THAT is gonna be tricky for me.

For now, no worries. I am doing well, and have no intention of 'going back over torn up tracks'.

Meow meow meow!
"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster

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Message 1891415 - Posted: 22 Sep 2017, 21:17:44 UTC

As some people have commented on in this thread and others have touched on elsewhere, you have been on the receiving end of some pretty awful abuse, which even seemed to continue after you turned your back on alcohol. It reminded me of those horrible kids at school, who'd always target the illnesses, injuries or wounds of others, for their 'special attention'. The hypocrisy was staggering and it reminded me of something I'd come across and knew of, but like others, had wrongly attributed. Indeed, about 20 years ago, I was sent this same poem by a friend, when I was in a pretty dark place.

The poem, written by Mary T. Lathrap in 1895 and originally called, Judge Softly.

Pray, don't find fault with the man that limps,
Or stumbles along the road.
Unless you have worn the moccasins he wears,
Or stumbled beneath the same load.

There may be tears in his soles that hurt
Though hidden away from view.
The burden he bears placed on your back
May cause you to stumble and fall, too.

Don't sneer at the man who is down today
Unless you have felt the same blow
That caused his fall or felt the shame
That only the fallen know.

You may be strong, but still the blows
That were his, unknown to you in the same way,
May cause you to stagger and fall, too.

Don't be too harsh with the man that sins.
Or pelt him with words, or stone, or disdain.
Unless you are sure you have no sins of your own,
And it's only wisdom and love that your heart contains.

For you know if the tempter's voice
Should whisper as soft to you,
As it did to him when he went astray,
It might cause you to falter, too.

Just walk a mile in his moccasins
Before you abuse, criticize and accuse.
If just for one hour, you could find a way
To see through his eyes, instead of your own muse.

I believe you'd be surprised to see
That you've been blind and narrow minded, even unkind.
There are people on reservations and in the ghettos
Who have so little hope, and too much worry on their minds.

Brother, there but for the grace of God go you and I.
Just for a moment, slip into his mind and traditions
And see the world through his spirit and eyes
Before you cast a stone or falsely judge his conditions.

Remember to walk a mile in his moccasins
And remember the lessons of humanity taught to you by your elders.
We will be known forever by the tracks we leave
In other people's lives, our kindnesses and generosity.

Take the time to walk a mile in his moccasins.
Don't take life too seriously, as you'll never come out of it alive!
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Message 1891424 - Posted: 22 Sep 2017, 22:08:22 UTC - in response to Message 1891415.  

Excellent poem. Thanks for posting it.
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Message 1891427 - Posted: 22 Sep 2017, 22:32:33 UTC - in response to Message 1891415.  
Last modified: 22 Sep 2017, 22:38:04 UTC

Thank you, Iona. Excellent words.

I have had a few here on Seti who have somehow tried over the years to see things through my eyes.
Those who would stay with me to share the good side of me between the binges.
Others threw me out with the trash long long ago.

I cannot really be very cross with them for doing so, as I was completely out of control.
The mods finally got to the point where they could tell without much trouble by what I was posting that I was headed full speed into a brick wall, and just put me on a cooling off ban. So even they tried to work with me as I got worse. And many people never saw some of the nasty things I posted before they were swept from view.

In short, I am thankful for the few who stood by me, even though at times it must have been very hard for them to watch me self destruct all the time. And on the other hand, I hold absolutely no ill will towards those who just could not bear it any longer and distanced themselves. I am not angry with anybody on Seti, excepting myself.

There WERE a few who would 'push my buttons' out of spite or evil intent just to watch me melt down. Must have been great sport for them, and I just stood there for the sucker punch and then went into meltdown, much to their glee. They could try that now, but I am not the same person anymore. The same body, but not the same mindset. They'd have little fun now, poking at a man who will not swing back at them. Go ahead....bring it.

The main reason for this is both my cessation of drinking and a medication I am taking (escitalopram, generic Lexapro) which started to put my brain back together after years of not being wired right from birth, and then being abused by alcohol consumption for 43 years. And I shall most likely be taking it for the rest of my life.
That medication has only EXISTED since 2002.
Once I started to sense what it was doing, and it works very slowly, I started to research a lot of things about it and how it works in the brain. I adjusted my dose upwards, and the world, after 43 years of me hiding from it inside a bottle, slowly started to fade into focus for me.
I do not see the world in the same way anymore. It has fundamentally changed for me. Life is not my enemy, everybody is not against me, everything is not a battle and every day's journey is not always uphill and against the wind. It never really was, but that's often the way that I perceived it to be. Because I was looking at the world through an alcoholic haze.

I quit drinking so I could give that medication a fair shot. And alcohol will NEVER mix well with the medication, even though the meds have got me turned around 180 and back on track.

Now would not be the time to chuck it all out the window. I hope that day never calls on me again. Because I never want to be that person again.

Meow.
"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster

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Message 1891437 - Posted: 22 Sep 2017, 23:13:35 UTC - in response to Message 1891427.  

Now would not be the time to chuck it all out the window. I hope that day never calls on me again. Because I never want to be that person again.

Meow.
Well done. From my own experiences, if you can make it to 12 months drink free, you've done it. I stopped drinking the hard stuff in October 1983. In the time since then I must have drunk about 2 dozen pints of lager, half a dozen rum & blacks (only at the wakes for my parents) & approx a bottle of sherry a year (none at all this year so far).

Not bad in 34 years :-)
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Message 1891442 - Posted: 22 Sep 2017, 23:56:45 UTC

I am proud of you.
...
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Message 1891445 - Posted: 23 Sep 2017, 0:17:38 UTC

Congratulations My Friend!

I Desire Peace and Justice, Jim Scott (Mod-Ret.)
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Message 1891447 - Posted: 23 Sep 2017, 0:23:22 UTC

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Message 1891460 - Posted: 23 Sep 2017, 1:21:50 UTC
Last modified: 23 Sep 2017, 1:26:25 UTC

Good moderation, Sirius.
Thank you very much, j mercer.
Thank you too, Jim_S,
And geez, Gary......I didn't expect a medal!! Wowza!! That's pretty cool. I didn't know they had such a thing.

Meow!!
"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster

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Message 1891477 - Posted: 23 Sep 2017, 2:25:32 UTC

Hmmmmmmmmmmmm.
Maybe I should look around on ebay and start collecting all those medals I missed.

Or, I could just start over....................
Hmmmmmmmmmmmm.
NOT......LOL.
"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster

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Message 1891486 - Posted: 23 Sep 2017, 4:42:23 UTC

Congrats on the 5 months Mark. Well done sir!
As I stated in another post of yours. I like the new Mark.
[/quote]

Old James
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