My mother passed quietly away in her sleep at home here with me, this evening.

---

The mind is a weird and mysterious place

Thanks, Chris.

Things have been worrying me more. Iva has been sleeping more and it's getting harder to wake her up. The fog that her brain is in, is getting deeper and more far away. She's never regained any strength since the traumatic episode from 2014, and while she still has her own identity and mine intact, she's harder to reach. It's like she's a star moving further and further away, and I know there's going to come a time when I can't get to her.

That said, yes, I am taking care of her at home until the last day.

This is a link to the thread that got me started talking about what happened with my mother, in 2014...

http://setiathome.berkeley.edu/forum_thread.php?id=73835&sort_style=6&start=0

---

The mind is a weird and mysterious place

Given what you are happily and wholeheartedly doing now, I would find that hard to believe. All kids give their parents a hard time at some point in their lives. But emotional debts are repaid later when time and life catches up.

Dad never really came to terms with it all, even though he knew that it was the only way. He always felt he let her down in some way, but the truth was that he did more than most would have.

I can understand your dad's feelings. In my case, I'm definitely doing what I'm doing because I want to, but there's also lingering guilt driving me in there because I feel like I wasn't a good enough son over the years.

---

The mind is a weird and mysterious place

I think the Is-ler Widget has always been a generation behind the mainland, that is its attraction to many residents. But of course as always, personal preferences. I would have ideally liked to retire to Devon in my hads place overlooking the sea, but finance wasn't there at the time to accomplish that. Shame.

Commuted to London for 25 years, I now want somewhere more peaceful to end my days, Towns & Cities are in the past.

Signed up for Give as You Live, so hopefully some money will go to that in the future, but you know me and animals. I have also from that site adopted a Red Squirrel for a year. That will go nicely with my adopted Donkey at the Sanctuary in Devon. Many thanks for the link.

It is a nice place to visit but not somewhere I would wish to spend my retirement.

Much too quiet and feels like the 70/80's here. I am and always have been a city person, I feel much more at home in a big city.

I definitely have adjusted to living here because I have had to. Truth is I would much rather be back home.

Here is the link for Red Squirrel Trust the link to Give as You Live is in the middle bottom.

Once linked I use the add on for Chrome and then click on it and it will display all your linked online stores.

As it is money I would have spent anyway it seemed a no brainer.

Good to hear about the EDF reduced payments that should help quite a bit. But a little surprised that you have decided to move back to South London when the event happens. You seem to have integrated very well into the IOW lifestyle, lovely countryside and wildlife, your Dads place is very nice, and you seem to like it very much down there. Or perhaps made the best of a bad job? I thought not.

If you judge that physically that he has some years to go yet, but mentally is fading fast, then 24/7 care at home may only be a short term option, and expensive. You may, with the family, have to take the onerous decision that he needs to go into a Care Home. But with no tangible assets, surely the Council must pay for that?

My dad had a similar problem with my mum. After the first stroke, he nursed her at home with assistance twice a day, but when the second stroke came, that was it, she simply had to go into care. Our family has been all though that, and I know how difficult it is to realise and accept that the boundary line has been reached. It often takes a doctor and 3rd party care advice to be able to make the final decision.

Dad never really came to terms with it all, even though he knew that it was the only way. He always felt he let her down in some way, but the truth was that he did more than most would have.

We buy a lot of stuff on-line from Amazon, Argos and Ebay. Can I have details of the Red squirrel trust please.

Well now miracles do happen.

I sent an email to EDF, my not so efficient energy provider, and within 4 hours I had a reply, saying they had looked at my meter readings and had decided to reduce my monthly payments.

I currently pay £158 a month (this has to do with the previous underpayment), however they are reducing it to £55 a month, now that is a result!!

Yes the house has a "lifetime loan" on it so will not come to my sister and I, so I will move back. Looking at my fathers current physical health I am guessing several years yet.

However it is totally impossible to get any idea of my fathers situation as he has no memory of any of the recent transactions he entered into.
When I was first here I had to sort out a loan he had with another bank in 2014 that he had no memory of ever having taken out and I still have not been able to find all the paperwork.

My sister has all the details of his will and will be the executor.

However what worries me more is the fact that he is getting mentally worse. He has at least one "memory incident" everyday now. Yesterday he went into a complete meltdown when he lost his keys, didn't finishing dressing, when in fact he hadn't lost his keys at all they were exactly where he always puts them. Last night he started to go to bed, I was working on my PC in the back room when I hear the TV again, so I thought he decided to watch a bit more I had headphones on so when I finally went into ask him if he was going to stay up all night I could see he didn't understand the question at all, when I told him it was midnight he couldn't grasp it. I think he went to go to bed, got confused as to which action he was performing, and "got up" instead. Quite bizarre really, he normally goes to bed between 9 and 10 and he really could not grasp what he was doing watching TV at midnight.

I can see that in the months to come he may well need 24 hour care and that will probably mean more outlay, which will be a problem.

P.S. One good thing that has come from all my extra spending is I joined Give as You Live and have currently raise £22.04 for the Red Squirrel Trust. Mostly Amazon, Argos and Ebay but several smaller places as well.

Really??? British Gas don't do that!!

...with some energy suppliers, in the UK, over-paying is actually a good little investment - I over pay by a small amount each month and get about 3% interest tax free on the balance, which is far better than I would get on the same amount in the bank!

---

Bob Smith
Member of Seti PIPPS (Pluto is a Planet Protest Society)
Somewhere in the (un)known Universe?

I think it all boils down to what Bernies plans are after his father passes on. As I understand it his dads house goes to the bank, he then presumably will either move back to his own place, or consider selling or renting his own place, and offering to buy his dads. That will be his personal choice to make between the two lifestyles. In the meantime his own place has to be mothballed, at minimum cost.

Most important in a mothball situation is to run all the taps and flush the loo regularly to prevent the U bends drying out, else sewer niffs can enter the place. Also make sure the heating is set to a sensible background temp during the winter months. But I'm quite sure he does all that!

His own place will still attract Council tax of course, unless they have a reduction for un-occupancy. The overpayments on electricity will in time either be refunded or result in a lower monthly charge, he wont have "lost" any money, more a little savings scheme :-)

Much also depends upon what life expectancy his dad has. If it could be some years away yet, then maybe more drastic decisions have to be made. If it's going to be closer, maybe ticking over is the best approach. And no, not offloading at all, just being sensible and considering options.

I don't know what your future living arrangement plans are, Bernie, but in my case, I will be staying in my mother's house after she dies. I made the decision back when I got her out of the hospital in 2014 to move back in with her as it has been her home for 50 years, and where I grew up, so it was a no-brainer to me to keep us in a stable familiar environment together. We both had lived alone since I graduated from college in 1990, and found my own place. I bought a house in 2001, and have just kept it in suspended animation ever since my decision to move back home. Property taxes, insurance, power, water, phone, alarm system, and weekly visits for upkeep definitely take their toll on me, and I will eventually either become a landlord, or sell my house since I'm keeping hers.

Something else you bring up that is crucially important is to make sure you have all your ducks in a row regarding your parents' personal information. Ever since my dad died in 1982, my mother has always kept me informed of "need to know stuff", and kept meticulous records of things, so there's no surprises.

Some people get squeamish about estate planning, but it's absolutely the best thing to do for peace of mind, and when the time comes, you will be happy you don't have to deal with that aspect of death.

---

The mind is a weird and mysterious place

Hubby. Is that your dog?

Janne, Don't worry about it. Honest mistake. :)

Hubby sounds like a dog name to me:)
Bring me the slippers. Arf, Arf:)
Anyway I hope your Husband doesn't have any problem with his feet.
Here diabetics used to get them examined perhaps once per year.
Not any longer:(

Being punished myself Bernie Vine I am totally on your side.

---

OK time for a bit of "plain offloading"

As you will probably realise I came here to the Isle of Wight at quite short notice last September to care for my 92 year old father.

It was all done fairly quickly and I have basically just left my flat empty, a friend checks on it for me.

Now I did not really give much thought to my regular bills, so my electricity provider works out my usage over a 12 moth period ( starting in September) and sets my monthly payments based on my last 12 months usage.

Well of course I haven't been at home much in the last 7 months but have been paying for electricity I am not using. I have submitted meter readings when I have been home, but the payments are set till August!

I have e-mailed to let them know the situation, but as it took them several months to correct and error when I wasn't paying enough, I don't expect they will react at all.

Then there is water, at home I pay a standing amount however much I use, so the fact I am not there does not alter the bill. Here however my father has a water meter, they charge for all water used and make a guess as to how much of that water they then have to process as waste. So as you can imagine my dad's water bill for the last 6 months has doubled, so I am paying for water at home I do not use and then here for what I do use,

Finally the phone bill. Last August when it became clear that I was going to have to move here long term I took over dad's phone line as it was the quickest way I could get ADSL installed, as my dad would not have been able to cope with that, luckily as I knew my dad's mothers maiden name it wasn't a problem. There was no way I was coning to live here without the internet!!

Now I don't really want to cease my ADSL line at home because it will no doubt cause problems if/when I need it again.

So I am paying twice, for electricity, water and phone.

As they say, no good deed goes unpunished!

Hubby. Is that your dog?

Janne, Don't worry about it. Honest mistake. :)

Sorry your GF, surgery was postponed.

---

A Jojk to my GF:)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-qA7GDkKZJk&list=PLYjs7D_Et40S6JkpgGU21h3Vc4VnAruxJ
She was actually born in a Goahti or a Lavvu.
Kåta in Swedish.
Her mother was a Same.

My GF's operation has been postponed...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3tfvV-5Wq4w&list=PLYjs7D_Et40S6JkpgGU21h3Vc4VnAruxJ&index=4

Yes me too, and there are plenty :-))

I google lots of words I don't understand.

---

Janne, Hubby is a Husband!!

What's the matter with you??
I asked a question and you as always have to comment on my bad english.
Behave!