The joke thread Part 4.

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Message 2009800 - Posted: 29 Aug 2019, 13:41:45 UTC

Lottery tickets.
They area a tax on folks who failed arithmetic in school.
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Message 2010072 - Posted: 31 Aug 2019, 0:55:54 UTC

Why does Piglet smell?

Because he plays with Pooh.




Why did Mozart kill all his chickens?

Because when he asked them who the best composer was, they all said, "Bach, Bach, Bach."
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Message 2010385 - Posted: 1 Sep 2019, 20:28:38 UTC

Did you hear about the constipated accountant?

He couldn’t budget, so he had to work it out with a paper and pencil.
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Message 2010386 - Posted: 1 Sep 2019, 20:32:04 UTC

Instead of "the John," I call my toilet "the Jim." That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning...
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Message 2010578 - Posted: 4 Sep 2019, 0:05:22 UTC

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer wants to ask her a few questions....

Officer: What's 2+2?

Blonde: Ummmmm... 4!

Officer: What's the square root of 100?

Blonde: Ummmm... 10!

Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?

Blonde: Ummmm... I dunno.

Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.

The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. The blonde says, excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"
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Message 2011863 - Posted: 13 Sep 2019, 19:16:23 UTC

Ego and Superego walk into a bar, and the bartender says, "I'm going to need to see some ID."
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Message 2011885 - Posted: 13 Sep 2019, 22:52:35 UTC

"Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field."

"I made a pencil with two erasers.
It was pointless."
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Message 2012416 - Posted: 18 Sep 2019, 13:35:48 UTC

A man wakes up in a hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and the paramedics couldn't find it.”

The man groans, but the doctor goes on… "You do have £9,000 in insurance compensation coming though, and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly £1,000 an inch".

The man perks up. So, the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now, she might be a bit uncomfortable. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. I'll give you the night to consider your options."

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?”

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?”

"Yes," says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting a new kitchen.''
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Message 2017237 - Posted: 30 Oct 2019, 16:38:14 UTC

DARK WEB

<WERT> how do i access the dark web if anyone knows???
<cities> I think you have to put your computer in a shaded area away from the sun
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Message 2017250 - Posted: 30 Oct 2019, 18:17:28 UTC

A Scot's man, an Irish man and a Welsh man walkedto a bar.

Normally an English man would be with them, but he's still in Japan
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Message 2020109 - Posted: 22 Nov 2019, 17:37:03 UTC

Q: Why are E.T's eyes so big?
A: He just got his phone bill....
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Message 2021196 - Posted: 30 Nov 2019, 17:26:01 UTC

Why do bees have sticky hair?
They use honey combs.
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Message 2022680 - Posted: 11 Dec 2019, 0:25:44 UTC

I want to join the Patent Office as the examiner in charge of perpetual motion machines. I am pretty confident I would never run out of work.
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Message 2030179 - Posted: 31 Jan 2020, 22:18:27 UTC


~Sue~

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Message 2032874 - Posted: 18 Feb 2020, 3:14:10 UTC

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife... "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks

"No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloomin' well pouring with rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! "God loves drunk people too you know."

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here... on the swing," replied the drunk.
~Sue~

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Message 2041082 - Posted: 28 Mar 2020, 15:00:05 UTC

Q: What did the fish say after bumping in to a wall?
A: Damn.
World Community Grid
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Message 2045852 - Posted: 19 Apr 2020, 17:13:31 UTC

I feel sorry for the Jehovah Witnesses, everybody is in...
...but nobody can go out.
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Message 2045859 - Posted: 19 Apr 2020, 17:30:58 UTC

ROFL :-)
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Message 2050065 - Posted: 22 May 2020, 16:41:43 UTC

Paddy was a deep sea diver, he went down to the bottom of the Atlantic, to survey the Titanic, when he surfaced he said he couldn't believe that the swimming pool on the Titanic was still full.
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Message 2050066 - Posted: 22 May 2020, 16:51:43 UTC

My wife and l were kicked off a train for playing a game, all l did was shout ,"I've got measles," didn't know it was illegal to play scrabble.
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Message boards : Cafe SETI : The joke thread Part 4.


 
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