What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can tune a guitar, but you can't tuna fish.

After Padmé Amidala died, Darth Vader mourned, but eventually he found love again. His second wife's name was Ella.

My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital. Her husband named the kid Carson.

Me: Someone I know is possessed by an owl!
Him: Who?

I look at him cautiously...

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for. At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.

ROFLing......


Oh, my.

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A proud member of the OFA (Old Farts Association).

What's the difference between a kleptomaniac and a literalist?
The literalist takes things literally. The kleptomaniac takes things, literally.
(Commas matter.)

Corduroy pillows are really making headlines.

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini , Italy , went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:

"Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That is a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?''

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I met a magical fairy yesterday who said she would grant me one wish.
"I wish to live forever" I said.
"Sorry" said the fairy "I'm not allowed to grant that particular wish".
"Fine" I said "Then I want to die the day after congress is filled with honest, hard working bipartisan men & women who act only in the people's best interests".
"You crafty devil" said the fairy.

Tonight I dreamt of a beautiful walk on a sandy beach.

At least that explains the footprints I found in the cat litter box this morning.

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SETI@home classic workunits 103,576
SETI@home classic CPU time 655,753 hours

2 boys attend a wedding. When the ceremony is over, one whispered to the other...
"How many wives can a man have"?
"16" was the reply.
"Four better, four worse, four richer & four poorer".

"How many wives can a man have"?

That reminds me of two definitions.

Bigamy: The condition of having one wife too many.

Monogamy: See "bigamy".

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I used to own a pet chameleon. I still might.

Somebody stole my mood ring. I don't know how I feel about that.

I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have florets

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Bob Smith
Member of Seti PIPPS (Pluto is a Planet Protest Society)
Somewhere in the (un)known Universe?

The winner of this year's best one-liner at the Edinburgh fringe is reported to have said "This is a fantastic honour but it's like I've always said, jokes about white sugar are rare, jokes about brown sugar... demerara" on hearing he'd one

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Bob Smith
Member of Seti PIPPS (Pluto is a Planet Protest Society)
Somewhere in the (un)known Universe?

I told my boss that three different companies were after me, and I needed a raise to stay at my current job.

"Do you mind me asking which companies?" he said.

"Sure," I said. "Gas, Electric, and Cable."

How do you make antifreeze?
Steal her blanket.

Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?

They were Prime mates.

I found a job helping a one-armed typist type capital letters.

It’s shift work.