The joke thread Part 4.

Message boards : Cafe SETI : The joke thread Part 4.
Message board moderation

To post messages, you must log in.

Previous · 1 . . . 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · Next

AuthorMessage
Profile MichaelEdits

Send message
Joined: 26 May 19
Posts: 30
Credit: 574,975
RAC: 0
United States
Message 1996800 - Posted: 4 Jun 2019, 20:02:52 UTC - in response to Message 1996796.  

A woman walked into a bar and asked for a double entendre, so the bartender gave her one.
ID: 1996800 · Report as offensive     Reply Quote
Profile MichaelEdits

Send message
Joined: 26 May 19
Posts: 30
Credit: 574,975
RAC: 0
United States
Message 1996896 - Posted: 5 Jun 2019, 13:01:17 UTC - in response to Message 1996800.  

Two guys walked into a bar. The third one ducked.
ID: 1996896 · Report as offensive     Reply Quote
Profile Joseph Stateson Project Donor
Volunteer tester
Avatar

Send message
Joined: 27 May 99
Posts: 309
Credit: 70,759,933
RAC: 3
United States
Message 1996925 - Posted: 5 Jun 2019, 16:11:00 UTC
Last modified: 5 Jun 2019, 16:11:30 UTC

Over on the Number Crunching forum there is a thread about

"How many gpus can you run on an AMD AM4 socket motherboard"

I spent a long time thinking about making a joke out of that but I gave up as I had only intel motherboards
ID: 1996925 · Report as offensive     Reply Quote
Profile MichaelEdits

Send message
Joined: 26 May 19
Posts: 30
Credit: 574,975
RAC: 0
United States
Message 1996929 - Posted: 5 Jun 2019, 17:00:53 UTC

Why are computers so smart?
Because they always listen to their motherboards.
ID: 1996929 · Report as offensive     Reply Quote
rob smith Crowdfunding Project Donor*Special Project $75 donorSpecial Project $250 donor
Volunteer moderator
Volunteer tester

Send message
Joined: 7 Mar 03
Posts: 22324
Credit: 416,307,556
RAC: 380
United Kingdom
Message 1996932 - Posted: 5 Jun 2019, 18:05:59 UTC

How do you know when your halitosis is REALLY bad?

Your dog wears a gas mask when it brings you your tooth brush
Bob Smith
Member of Seti PIPPS (Pluto is a Planet Protest Society)
Somewhere in the (un)known Universe?
ID: 1996932 · Report as offensive     Reply Quote
Profile IntenseGuy

Send message
Joined: 25 Sep 00
Posts: 190
Credit: 23,498,825
RAC: 9
United States
Message 1996976 - Posted: 6 Jun 2019, 0:31:45 UTC - in response to Message 1996932.  

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert one time.

They’d just about given up hope of making it out alive when they found a lamp and rubbed it.

Funnily enough, a genie popped out and said they could each have one wish which would come true.

The redhead wished to be back home and poof! She was back home.

The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family.

The blonde said, “Awwww, I wish my friends were here.”
ID: 1996976 · Report as offensive     Reply Quote
Profile IntenseGuy

Send message
Joined: 25 Sep 00
Posts: 190
Credit: 23,498,825
RAC: 9
United States
Message 1996977 - Posted: 6 Jun 2019, 0:35:40 UTC - in response to Message 1996976.  

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. “I’d like to buy this TV,” she told the salesman.

“Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied. The blonde was very angry about this. She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, “I’d like to buy this TV.”

“Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied again.

The blonde didn’t understand how the salesman had recognized her but she was still mad and wanted to get her bargain. This time, she went home and got a haircut and new color, a new outfit, big sunglasses and a big hat. She then waited a few days before she went back and went to the same salesman.

“I’d like to buy this TV,” she said.

“Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes,” he replied yet again.

Frustrated, she shouted, “How do you know I’m a blonde?”

“Because that’s a microwave,” he replied
SETI@home classic workunits 103,576
SETI@home classic CPU time 655,753 hours
ID: 1996977 · Report as offensive     Reply Quote
Profile MichaelEdits

Send message
Joined: 26 May 19
Posts: 30
Credit: 574,975
RAC: 0
United States
Message 1996997 - Posted: 6 Jun 2019, 3:00:39 UTC

A history professor and a psychology professor were sitting outside a nudist colony when the history professor asked his friend, ‘Have you read Marx?’ ‘Yes,’ replied the psychology professor. ‘I think it’s from the wicker chairs.’
ID: 1996997 · Report as offensive     Reply Quote
Profile IntenseGuy

Send message
Joined: 25 Sep 00
Posts: 190
Credit: 23,498,825
RAC: 9
United States
Message 1997061 - Posted: 6 Jun 2019, 17:31:24 UTC - in response to Message 1996997.  

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.”

Her boyfriend asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”

The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.”

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

“First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.”

He then takes her hand and says, “Secondly, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then let’s put all these Corn Flakes back in the box.”
SETI@home classic workunits 103,576
SETI@home classic CPU time 655,753 hours
ID: 1997061 · Report as offensive     Reply Quote
Profile MichaelEdits

Send message
Joined: 26 May 19
Posts: 30
Credit: 574,975
RAC: 0
United States
Message 1997091 - Posted: 6 Jun 2019, 20:50:39 UTC

A bar was walked into by the passive voice.
ID: 1997091 · Report as offensive     Reply Quote
Profile Suzie-Q Project Donor
Avatar

Send message
Joined: 9 Mar 07
Posts: 3338
Credit: 4,746,812
RAC: 1
United States
Message 1997463 - Posted: 8 Jun 2019, 21:10:12 UTC

I might have posted this six years ago.
_____________________________

Back on January 9th, a group of bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks
through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to
talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss
this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ..."Well, before you jump,
Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just
that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by
another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from
his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,
"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent
you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me . Why
the hell are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
~Sue~

ID: 1997463 · Report as offensive     Reply Quote
Profile MichaelEdits

Send message
Joined: 26 May 19
Posts: 30
Credit: 574,975
RAC: 0
United States
Message 1997699 - Posted: 10 Jun 2019, 19:35:27 UTC
Last modified: 10 Jun 2019, 19:35:56 UTC

Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I am very disappointed.
ID: 1997699 · Report as offensive     Reply Quote
Profile MichaelEdits

Send message
Joined: 26 May 19
Posts: 30
Credit: 574,975
RAC: 0
United States
Message 1998037 - Posted: 13 Jun 2019, 15:22:02 UTC

What did the Prince of Whales say to Donald Trump?
Have it your way.
ID: 1998037 · Report as offensive     Reply Quote
Profile Tom M
Volunteer tester

Send message
Joined: 28 Nov 02
Posts: 5124
Credit: 276,046,078
RAC: 462
Message 1998115 - Posted: 13 Jun 2019, 23:45:03 UTC - in response to Message 1477591.  

Q. How many electricians does it take to change a light bulb?



A. Four, you need at least three competitive quotes



Oh, MY!
A proud member of the OFA (Old Farts Association).
ID: 1998115 · Report as offensive     Reply Quote
Profile Tom M
Volunteer tester

Send message
Joined: 28 Nov 02
Posts: 5124
Credit: 276,046,078
RAC: 462
Message 1998116 - Posted: 13 Jun 2019, 23:50:48 UTC - in response to Message 1478131.  

25 Jokes You're Probably Too Stupid To Understand

(Their title, not mine.)

http://www.sickchirpse.com/25-jokes-youre-probably-too-stupid-to-understand/


Your right. Those are awful (I survived the first 3).
A proud member of the OFA (Old Farts Association).
ID: 1998116 · Report as offensive     Reply Quote
Profile MichaelEdits

Send message
Joined: 26 May 19
Posts: 30
Credit: 574,975
RAC: 0
United States
Message 1998306 - Posted: 15 Jun 2019, 15:11:29 UTC

What does the buffalo tell his son in the morning?
Bye son!
ID: 1998306 · Report as offensive     Reply Quote
Profile MichaelEdits

Send message
Joined: 26 May 19
Posts: 30
Credit: 574,975
RAC: 0
United States
Message 1998311 - Posted: 15 Jun 2019, 15:47:26 UTC

There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don’t.
ID: 1998311 · Report as offensive     Reply Quote
Profile MichaelEdits

Send message
Joined: 26 May 19
Posts: 30
Credit: 574,975
RAC: 0
United States
Message 1998482 - Posted: 16 Jun 2019, 23:58:41 UTC

A TCP packet walks into a bar, and says to the barman: “Hello, I’d like a beer.”
The barman replies: “Hello, you’d like a beer?”
“Yes,” replies the TCP packet, “I’d like a beer.”
ID: 1998482 · Report as offensive     Reply Quote
Profile MichaelEdits

Send message
Joined: 26 May 19
Posts: 30
Credit: 574,975
RAC: 0
United States
Message 1998532 - Posted: 17 Jun 2019, 12:50:35 UTC

How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool.
ID: 1998532 · Report as offensive     Reply Quote
Profile MichaelEdits

Send message
Joined: 26 May 19
Posts: 30
Credit: 574,975
RAC: 0
United States
Message 1998591 - Posted: 17 Jun 2019, 20:34:19 UTC

A photon checks into a hotel and the porter asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies: “No, I’m traveling light.”
ID: 1998591 · Report as offensive     Reply Quote
Previous · 1 . . . 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · Next

Message boards : Cafe SETI : The joke thread Part 4.


 
©2024 University of California
 
SETI@home and Astropulse are funded by grants from the National Science Foundation, NASA, and donations from SETI@home volunteers. AstroPulse is funded in part by the NSF through grant AST-0307956.