The joke thread Part 4.

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Message 1963804 - Posted: 7 Nov 2018, 21:26:59 UTC

Man walks into a bar - he should have ducked....
Bob Smith
Member of Seti PIPPS (Pluto is a Planet Protest Society)
Somewhere in the (un)known Universe?
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Message 1964004 - Posted: 9 Nov 2018, 0:11:47 UTC

Great mental exercise for the over-60 crowd. Which of the following
names are you familiar with?

1. Monica Lewinsky
2. Spiro Agnew
3. Benito Mussolini
4. Adolf Hitler
5. Jorge Bergogliog
6. Alfonse Capone
7. Vladimir Putin
8. Linda Lovelace
9. Saddam Hussein
10. Tiger Woods

You had trouble with number 5, didn’t you?

You know all the liars, criminals, adulterers, murderers, thieves,
sluts, and cheaters, but you don't know the Pope?? Lovely, just lovely.
~Sue~

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Message 1967143 - Posted: 25 Nov 2018, 22:55:23 UTC

VERY INTERESTING FACTS ! !
Dead Penguins - I never knew this!

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica ?
Where do they go?

Wonder no more ! ! !
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.


If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:


scroll down





scroll down






"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."


You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?

It's so easy to fool OLD people.

I am sorry, an urge came over me that made me do it!!!


Oh quit whining I fell for it, too
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Message 1969363 - Posted: 8 Dec 2018, 18:32:56 UTC

After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life, an old
Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin.

In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks into it.

Not ever having seen a mirror before, he remarked at the image staring
back at him.

'How 'bout that!' he exclaims, 'Here's a picture of me Fadder....'

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the
way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father, so he hung it in
the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishing, he would go
there and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of his many trips to the shed. So, one
day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found the mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, 'So that's the ugly bitch he's
running around with!'
~Sue~

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Message 1969364 - Posted: 8 Dec 2018, 18:37:05 UTC


~Sue~

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Message 1969425 - Posted: 9 Dec 2018, 1:51:28 UTC - in response to Message 1964004.  

Ha! #5 was indeed the one I didn't know, and I'm a Catholic!
The mind is a weird and mysterious place
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Message 1969460 - Posted: 9 Dec 2018, 6:40:51 UTC - in response to Message 1964004.  

Great mental exercise for the over-60 crowd. Which of the following
names are you familiar with?

1. Monica Lewinsky
2. Spiro Agnew
3. Benito Mussolini
4. Adolf Hitler
5. Jorge Bergogliog
6. Alfonse Capone
7. Vladimir Putin
8. Linda Lovelace
9. Saddam Hussein
10. Tiger Woods

You had trouble with number 5, didn’t you?

You know all the liars, criminals, adulterers, murderers, thieves,
sluts, and cheaters, but you don't know the Pope?? Lovely, just lovely.

I'm 58, I had to bing #5, His name is "Jorge Bergoglio", you added an extra "g" on the end for some reason, and yes I know who that is.
The T1 Trust, PRR T1 Class 4-4-4-4 #5550, 1 of America's First HST's
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Message 1973835 - Posted: 6 Jan 2019, 17:23:19 UTC

A petrol station owner in Ireland was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'

Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really
give away free sex at all.'

Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough Mick.

Me wife won twice last week.'....
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Message 1975156 - Posted: 14 Jan 2019, 13:25:19 UTC

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom.
When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement.
When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.

"What are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room.
In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

"What are you doing?" she exclaimed.
He replied............"Watching the game with my son-in-law."
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Message 1977179 - Posted: 26 Jan 2019, 19:39:43 UTC

A man entered a café & sat his 6 children at a table.
A woman asked "are all those your children?"
He replied "No I work for a condom company...
...these are customer complaints.
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Message 1978850 - Posted: 6 Feb 2019, 4:14:02 UTC

Being an Alien Hunter can be risky business.

Alien Hot Sauce Commercial Features An Astronaut http://nasawatch.com/archives/2019/02/alien-hot-sauce.html
Apr 3, 1999 - May 3, 2020
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Message 1980256 - Posted: 14 Feb 2019, 8:30:13 UTC

A group of recruits stood in formation at Fort Jackson, SC. The drill sergeant said, “All right! All you idiots, fall out!” As the platoon of soldiers wandered away, one soldier remained at attention. The drill sergeant walked over until he was eye to eye with the young soldier and his campaign hat touched the soldier’s patrol cap. The soldier smiled and said, “Sure was a lot of ’em, huh, Sir?”
~Sue~

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Message 1980851 - Posted: 17 Feb 2019, 16:06:20 UTC


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Message 1981246 - Posted: 20 Feb 2019, 7:17:34 UTC


~Sue~

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Message 1989585 - Posted: 11 Apr 2019, 1:32:29 UTC

There must not be anything funny these days.

Posting to keep the thread alive.
~Sue~

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Message 1990593 - Posted: 19 Apr 2019, 2:44:20 UTC

HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES????
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
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Message 1990777 - Posted: 20 Apr 2019, 8:49:02 UTC

An Irishman, Scot & Englishman are out walking when they come across a lantern. A genie pops out & grants then one wish each.
The Scot says he's a sheep herder like my dad before me. I want my country to be full of sheep farms. Whoosh, so it was.
The Englishman was amazed & says, I want a wall around England to keep those damned Scots & Irish out. Bang there was a wall around England.
The Irishman says tell me about this wall.
The genie says, its 200 feet high,100 feet thick, it goes all around England, nothing can get in or out.
The Irishman says Fill it with water.
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Message 1991125 - Posted: 22 Apr 2019, 23:44:20 UTC

The last page (joke page) from the May American Legion Magazine.

http://www.zannpix.com/legion2019may.pdf
~Sue~

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Message 1995060 - Posted: 24 May 2019, 21:05:20 UTC




~Sue~

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Message 1996796 - Posted: 4 Jun 2019, 19:19:06 UTC

How many bodybuilders does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change the bulb and two to say, "Dude, you are massive."
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