The joke thread Part 4.

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Message 1928418 - Posted: 6 Apr 2018, 21:48:40 UTC

Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a university in Moscow to have a chat with the students.

He talks to them about how powerful a nation Russia is and how he wants the best for all the people. At the end of the talk there is a  section for questions. Sasha puts her hand up and says:

"I have two questions.
Why did the Russians take Crimea? and
why are we sending troops to the Ukraine ?”

Putin says:  "Good questions.”

But just as he is about to answer, the bell goes, and the students go to lunch.

When they come back, they sit back down and there is room for some more questions, another girl, Misha, puts her hand up and says:

I have four questions”
"My Questions are -
Why did the Russians invade Crimea ?
Why are we sending troops to the Ukraine ?
Why did the lunch bell go 20 minutes early? And
Where is Sasha?
~Sue~

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Message 1931337 - Posted: 22 Apr 2018, 6:28:20 UTC


Source: Peteski
Apr 3, 1999 - May 3, 2020
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Message 1938730 - Posted: 8 Jun 2018, 19:40:18 UTC


~Sue~

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Message 1938735 - Posted: 8 Jun 2018, 20:12:16 UTC

Dilbert Cartoon: How to fix a locked up tablet or PC #Classic #Prank
https://www.gocomics.com/dilbert-classics/2018/06/07
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Message 1939716 - Posted: 15 Jun 2018, 22:27:11 UTC
Last modified: 15 Jun 2018, 22:28:49 UTC

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_____________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

_____________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back;
now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

_______________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me

for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets

and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that

I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

________________________________


One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....
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Message 1942629 - Posted: 4 Jul 2018, 16:52:36 UTC

Three men went to heaven,Jesus said,"sorry ,full up",,the three men pleaded,Jesus said "ok,but l can only let you in if you have something in your pocket that is to do with xmas.
The first man put his hand in his pocket and pulled out a balloon, so Jesus let him in,,
The second man put his hand in his pocket,and pulled out a piece of tinsel, so Jesus let him in,
The third man put his hand in his pocket and pulled out a pair of ladies knickers, Jesus said,"whats a pair of ladies knickers got to do with xmas,"the third man said,"they are carols.
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Message 1945402 - Posted: 19 Jul 2018, 17:01:59 UTC

Not many words, but......
https://www.demilked.com/honest-slogans-clif-dickens/
Bob Smith
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Message 1947400 - Posted: 2 Aug 2018, 2:28:07 UTC

A LOVING HUSBAND...

Thinking back a few years, living in Fla. I remember Hurricane Matthew. I was ready for it but my wife was not.

When the wind reached a screaming pitch with the trees snapping and threshing, the horizontal streaming rain, flying roofing iron and destroyed fences as well as the unnerving sound-levels, my wife was rooted to the spot. She stared and stared through the glass of the window. Immovable, with her nose pressed to the windowpane, the stark fear in her eyes will stay with me forever.

Fortunately, as the eye of the storm arrived and the winds temporarily lessened, I was able to open the door and let her in.
~Sue~

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Message 1949925 - Posted: 15 Aug 2018, 18:44:51 UTC


~Sue~

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Message 1954041 - Posted: 6 Sep 2018, 14:17:47 UTC

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Message 1956232 - Posted: 19 Sep 2018, 0:16:11 UTC

My cousin just called and asked if I would loan her $300.00 to help her pay her rent.
Those who know me, know that I'm always willing to help out friends and family. I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back.
Before I called her back, my aunt called and told me that my cousin was lying and not to give her the money.
She goes on to say that the real reason my cousin wanted the $300.00 was to get her boyfriend out of jail so she could be under the same roof as him for his birthday.
I thought about it for a minute and decided to give her the $300.00 because we all need help at times.
So, I called my cousin and told her to come and get the money.
A couple of hours later, I get a call from the Yavapai County jail.
It was my cousin crying, screaming and asking why I gave her counterfeit money.

My response...so you and your boyfriend could be under the same roof for his birthday!
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Message 1958052 - Posted: 1 Oct 2018, 15:37:48 UTC

An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.
'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.

The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
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Message 1960663 - Posted: 17 Oct 2018, 16:16:49 UTC

Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam. Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.

The waiting room was filled with patients.

As I approached the receptionist’s desk, I noticed that she was a large, not-very-friendly-looking woman who resembled a Sumo wrestler.

I gave her my name, and in a very loud voice, she said,

“YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE. YOU WANT TO SEE THE

DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?”

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, now a very embarrassed man. But as usual,

I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,

“NO, I’VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE

OPERATION, BUT I DON’T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR

THAT DID YOURS.”

The room erupted in applause!
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Message 1961035 - Posted: 19 Oct 2018, 23:55:37 UTC

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female Blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?’

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check. 'There's no charge,' she says.
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'


'So I just switched the heads.'
Warning, addicted to SETI crunching!
Crunching as a member of GPU Users Group.
GPUUG Website
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Message 1961084 - Posted: 20 Oct 2018, 4:34:26 UTC

An oldie but goodie....

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty...and was leaving his
Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives......

When he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to
speak English......

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest....He points to a tree
and says to the chief... "This is a tree"......

The chief looks at the tree and grunts......"Tree".....

The Priest is pleased with the response.... They walk a little further
and he points to a rock and says..."This is a rock".....

Hearing this.... the chief looks and grunts....."'Rock".....

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he
hears a rustling in the bushes..... As they peek over the top.... he
sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity....

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds..."Man riding a
bike"......

The chief looks at the couple briefly.... pulls out his blowpipe and
kills them both.....

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years
teaching the tribe how to be civilized.... and be kind to each
other....so how could he kill these people in cold blood that
way???..........

The chief replied........"My Bike"
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Message 1961685 - Posted: 24 Oct 2018, 14:29:59 UTC

One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a classroom. The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children.
The teacher asked a little boy:
TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.
TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a minute later) Yes, I saw the sky.
TEACHER: Did you see God?
TOMMY: No.
TEACHER: That’s my point. We cann’t see God because he isn’t there. He doesn’t exist.

A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions. The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy:
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yesssssssss (getting tired of the questions by this time).
LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?
TOMMY: Yessssssssss.
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the teacher?
TOMMY: Yes.
LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?
TOMMY: No.

LITTLE GIRL: Then, according to what we were taught in the school today…she must not have one!!
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Message 1961915 - Posted: 26 Oct 2018, 11:15:04 UTC

Was that a Ted Ray or Arthur Askey joke???
Bob Smith
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Message 1962423 - Posted: 29 Oct 2018, 15:36:32 UTC

I was walking home last night & decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery.
Three girls walked up to me & explained that they were scared to walk past the cemetery at night, so I agreed to let them walk along side me.
I told them "I understand...
I used to get freaked out too when I was alive."

Never seen anyone run so fast.
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Message 1963532 - Posted: 5 Nov 2018, 22:59:06 UTC
Last modified: 5 Nov 2018, 23:01:30 UTC

A man went to see his Rabbi.
He stated in a very serious tone, "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me." The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asked, "How can that be?"
The man then pleaded, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then said, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi called the man and said, "Well, I met with your wife. We talked for three hours."
The man anxiously replied, "Yes." "You want my advise?"
Again the man anxiously replied, "Yes."
"Take the poison," said the Rabbi.
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Message 1963623 - Posted: 6 Nov 2018, 13:34:21 UTC - in response to Message 1963532.  
Last modified: 6 Nov 2018, 13:34:43 UTC

It seems that my Alter Ego's neighbor has the same problem !!

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Message boards : Cafe SETI : The joke thread Part 4.


 
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