The joke thread Part 4.

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Message 1898533 - Posted: 1 Nov 2017, 16:18:02 UTC

I once saw a van in London which had the names of the proprietors printed on the side - 'PATEL AND KUMAR - BUILDERS'. On the back was 'You've tried the cowboys, now try the Indians'
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Message 1908737 - Posted: 24 Dec 2017, 3:18:45 UTC

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Message 1909260 - Posted: 28 Dec 2017, 14:00:35 UTC

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”

She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”

“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.”

“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".
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Message 1909868 - Posted: 31 Dec 2017, 19:09:35 UTC

The Russian Maid asked for a pay rise. The wife was very worried about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked, “Now Anna; why do you want more pay?”
Anna: “Well, Ma’am, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze. The first reason is that I am cleaning better than you.”
Wife: “Who said you are cleaning better than me?”
Anna: “Your husband he say so.”
Wife: “Really?”
Anna: “The second reason is that I am better cook than you.”
Wife: “Don’t talk nonsense !, Who said you were a better cook than me?”
Anna: “Your husband said.”
Wife increasingly angried: “Oh he did, did he?”
Anna: “The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed.”
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks, “And did my husband say that as well?”
Anna: “No Ma’am, the gardener did.”
Wife: “So how much do you want?”
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Message 1910094 - Posted: 1 Jan 2018, 21:04:53 UTC

To start the new year off :-)

A police officer was patrolling late at night in a well-known lover’s spot, famous for all obscene activities. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
The police officer carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, watching an entertaining video on computer. He immediately notices a young girl in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver’s window.
The young guy lowers his window. “Oh, yes, officer?”
The officer says: “What are you doing?”
The young guy says: “Well Officer, I’m watching something on computer.”
Pointing towards the young girl in the back seat the cop says: “And her, what is she doing?”
The young guy shrugs: “Sir, I believe she’s knitting a pullover sweater.”
Now, the cop is totally surprised. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a Lover’s lane… and nothing obscene is happening!
The officer asks: “What’s your age, young man?”
The young guy says “I’m twenty three, sir.”
Then asks: “And her…what’s her age?”
The young man looks at his watch and replies:
“She will be eighteen in nine minutes.”
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Message 1913767 - Posted: 18 Jan 2018, 18:02:09 UTC

Six year old Annie returns home from school and says that today she had her first family planning lesson at school.

Her mother, very interested, asks: "Oh... How did it go"

"I nearly died of shame!" she answers. "Sam from down the street says the stork brings babies. Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage. Pete in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital."

Her mother answers laughingly, "But that's no reason to be ashamed."

"No... but I can't tell them that we were so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves!"
~Sue~

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Message 1915181 - Posted: 25 Jan 2018, 23:58:47 UTC


~Sue~

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Message 1917924 - Posted: 9 Feb 2018, 21:35:37 UTC

What was the dentist looking for in Panama?
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The Root Canal!!
~Sue~

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Message 1918277 - Posted: 11 Feb 2018, 16:34:29 UTC
Last modified: 11 Feb 2018, 17:12:48 UTC

By way of Carlos :


More reactions on Bored Panda
Apr 3, 1999 - May 3, 2020
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Message 1919085 - Posted: 15 Feb 2018, 22:31:20 UTC

President Trump is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts, “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.

Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “Why on the earth did you shout 'Mickey Mouse'?”

Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout 'Donald.... duck!'”
~Sue~

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Message 1919722 - Posted: 18 Feb 2018, 17:30:08 UTC

An Arab enters a taxi. Once he is seated he asks the cab driver to turn off the radio because he must not hear music as decreed by his religion and, in the time of the prophet, there was no music, especially Western music which is music of the infidel’s and certainly no radio ……..So the cab driver politely switches off the radio, stops the cab and opens the back door. The Arab asks him:

“What are you doing man?”

The cabby answers: “In the time of the prophet there were no taxis. So get out and wait for a camel.”
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Message 1920247 - Posted: 21 Feb 2018, 16:26:30 UTC

Here is a collection of trivia questions asked on various UK radio and TV shows:

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester .

BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm.
White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant: Strong.
White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant: Louis.
White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )
Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy ?
Contestant: France .
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris .

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson:- Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what:- Prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party.

BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )
DJ Mark: For Pounds 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey?

GWR FM ( Bristol )
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

RTE RADIO 2FM ( IRELAND )
Presenter: What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show about pensioners: Last Of The ...?
Caller: Mohicans.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER )
Phil: What's 11 squared?
Contestant: I don't know.
Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant: Is it five?

RICHARD AND JUDY
Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
A: Forrest Gump.

RICHARD AND JUDY
Leslie: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er . . .
Leslie: He makes bread . .
Contestant: Er . ..
Leslie: He makes cakes . . .
Contestant: Kipling Street ?

LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona .
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain .

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question: What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant: The Pacific

ROCK FM ( PRESTON )
Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo Da Vinci.
Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant: Magna Carta ?.

JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... er ... er ... three?

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )
Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna ?
Caller: Japan .
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er .... Mexico ?

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.

DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland ?
Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland ? Ireland ?
Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
Contestant: No.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er . .. .
Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . .
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . .
Contestant: (Silence)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant: Walked?

THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant: Nostalgia.

LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant: Jewish.
Presenter: That's close enough.

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loincloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus.
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Message 1921835 - Posted: 1 Mar 2018, 5:51:28 UTC

"To me, wanting every habitable planet to be inhabited is like wanting everybody to have athlete's foot." - Kurt Vonnegut
Apr 3, 1999 - May 3, 2020
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Message 1921872 - Posted: 1 Mar 2018, 9:29:12 UTC

*Groan*

The Great Culinary Search for Delicious Aliens

https://setiathome.berkeley.edu/team_display.php?teamid=110145
Apr 3, 1999 - May 3, 2020
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Message 1921925 - Posted: 1 Mar 2018, 17:54:24 UTC

A man asked to his friend;
How do you understand a woman is good?
I pay attention to how she talks.
What if she never talks?
I have never come across one before, I can’t even imagine a woman that good.
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Message 1923832 - Posted: 10 Mar 2018, 21:12:50 UTC

With all the bad press the police has been getting, here's a good cop :-)

A man in his 40’s bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. “There’s no way they can catch a BMW,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100…

Then the reality of the situation hit him. “What the hell am I doing?” he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

“It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.”

The guy thinks for a second and says, “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.” “Have a nice weekend,” said the officer.
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Message 1925448 - Posted: 20 Mar 2018, 1:17:43 UTC

I walked into a bar and asked the bartender:
- Hi. Please, what's the wi-fi password ?
- Gotta buy something.
- OK, give me a beer.
- Budweiser ?
- Yeah. How much ?
- Two dollars.
- So, what's the wi-fi password ?
- Gotta buy something
No spaces, all smal caps
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Message 1926113 - Posted: 23 Mar 2018, 22:40:29 UTC
Last modified: 23 Mar 2018, 22:41:57 UTC

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Message 1926844 - Posted: 27 Mar 2018, 9:25:52 UTC

A horse was having a drink in his local pub when he spotted a donkey at the end of the bar.

He trotted over and said to the donkey that he'd not seen him around here before.
Donkey says he's just moved into the area and they struck up a conversation.
As it does, conversation turned round to what they did for a living. The horse said he was a retired race-horse. Had won everything in his day; the ledger, gold cup, grand national, oaks, etc.
Donkey said he worked on the beach with kids but also now retired and felt a bit embarrassed that not as exciting as the horse.
At the end of the evening Donkey invited horse to come over his for a few beers that coming week and they agreed a day and time.
Reflecting on it donkey couldn't help thinking about horses illustrious career versus his own situation so he thought he needed to impress horse when he visited.
He went to the shops and bought a picture of a zebra and hung it over his fire-place.
That week horse visited and they made small talk. Horse said he had a nice gaff but who was that in the picture over the fire place.

Donkey said.........





........oh that. That was me when I played for Juventus.......
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Message 1927710 - Posted: 1 Apr 2018, 14:52:47 UTC

In case of falling space stations, 1979 #tiangong1 #reentry #skylab #kitsch #humor #science #space


OFF TOPIC

Update 1 April 2018 - With the latest available Tiangong-1 orbital data and space-weather forecasts, the reentry prediction window has stabilised and shrunk further to a time frame running from midnight 1 April to the early morning of 2 April (in UTC time). http://blogs.esa.int/rocketscience/2018/03/26/tiangong-1-reentry-updates/
Tracking http://www.n2yo.com/?s=37820
Twitter feed https://twitter.com/search?q=%23Tiangong1&src=tyah
All you need to know https://www.space.com/40076-chinese-space-station-crash-to-earth-guide.html
Apr 3, 1999 - May 3, 2020
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Message boards : Cafe SETI : The joke thread Part 4.


 
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