The joke thread Part 4.

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Profile Michael Belanger, W1DGL
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Message 1866045 - Posted: 7 May 2017, 15:38:39 UTC

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40’s or early 50’s.
“May I help you?” she asked.
“I want to see Valerie,” the man replied.
“Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else,” said the madam.
“No, I must see Valerie,” was the man’s reply.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills, gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row–too expensive–and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie questioned the man. “No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?” she asked.
The man replied, ” South Carolina.”
“Really” she said. “I have family in South Carolina.”
“I know,” the man said. “Your father died, and I am your sister’s attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance.”
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
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Message 1868850 - Posted: 22 May 2017, 21:12:10 UTC

A man died and went to heaven.
As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie clocks.
Everyone on earth has a lie-clock. Every time you lie the hands on the clock will move"

"Oh" said the man, "Whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's".
The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible, " said the man.

"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe only told two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Trump's clock?"

"His clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
~Sue~

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Message 1870569 - Posted: 1 Jun 2017, 18:50:55 UTC

LEXOPHILIA - WHO ON EARTH DREAMS THESE UP?

Why, a lexophile of course!

� How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.
� Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
� A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
� I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

� Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes
� England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
� I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
� They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.
� I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
� Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
� I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
� I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
� This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
� When chemists die, they barium.
� I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
� I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
� Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
� I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
� Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
� When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
� Broken pencils are pointless.
� What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
� I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
� All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
� I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
� Velcro - what a rip off!
� Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last
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Message 1873894 - Posted: 18 Jun 2017, 21:49:11 UTC

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?', St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the s _ _ t out of all of you!'

St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Couple of minutes ago.’
~Sue~

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Message 1874497 - Posted: 22 Jun 2017, 20:51:02 UTC

An 84-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears, the old man answers, "I'm in love with a 22-year-old woman."

"Well, what's wrong with that?" asks the young man. Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don't understand, every morning before she goes to work, we make love. At lunch time, she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favourite meal. In the afternoon when she get...s a break, she rushes home and gives me the best time an old man could want. And then at supper time, and all night long, we make love.”

He breaks down, no longer able to speak. The young man puts his arm around him. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship! Why are you sitting here on this park bench crying?"

The senile old man answers, again through his tears: "I can't remember where I live!"
~Sue~

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Message 1875681 - Posted: 29 Jun 2017, 14:56:41 UTC

Funny for Thursday...

A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high bridge, about to jump off.

An old homeless guy who was wandering by stopped and said, "Look, since you'll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a quickie before you go?"

She screamed, "NO! Bug off you filthy old bastard!"

He shrugged and turned away saying, "Okay then,
I'll just go and wait at the bottom."

She didn't jump.

Lesson: Suicide counseling really does work
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Message 1877031 - Posted: 6 Jul 2017, 2:17:30 UTC - in response to Message 1875681.  
Last modified: 6 Jul 2017, 2:18:21 UTC

THE HAIRCUT

(Blessed are those who can give without remembering.....and take without forgetting.)

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop came in for a haircut, and when he tried to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
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Message 1879737 - Posted: 22 Jul 2017, 22:37:22 UTC

A multi-millionaire living in Darwin decided to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours.

He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns and oysters from the BBQ, and flirting.

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who’ll join him in the pool.'

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash.

Everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting it’s tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of judo instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell.

Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish.

An exhausted Colin slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'

'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin.

So the host said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks?'

'No thanks .... I don't want it,' answered Colin.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche, a Rolex and some stock options?'

Again, Colin said 'No.'

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you want?'

'I want the bastard who pushed me in' said Colin.
~Sue~

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Message 1879753 - Posted: 22 Jul 2017, 23:28:28 UTC

Suzie I'm ROTFLMAO.
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Message 1879758 - Posted: 22 Jul 2017, 23:35:10 UTC - in response to Message 1879753.  

Suzie I'm ROTFLMAO.

+1

Steve
Warning, addicted to SETI crunching!
Crunching as a member of GPU Users Group.
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Message 1879993 - Posted: 23 Jul 2017, 23:41:57 UTC

Walk With Me While I Age

I hope this poem has the same effect on you as it did on me; then my forwarding
it will be worth the effort. Walk with me while I age - worth the read.


A BEAUTIFUL POEM ABOUT GROWING OLDER
































SHIT .....




I forgot the words.
~Sue~

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Message 1880551 - Posted: 27 Jul 2017, 8:34:56 UTC

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing fairly well for my age. (I am past Seventy).
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 85?"
She asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
'I said, 'Not much... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said...
He looked at me and said, 'Then, why do you even give a shit?'
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Message 1881780 - Posted: 3 Aug 2017, 9:44:53 UTC

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”
He then addressed the men.
“Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?”

Frank leaned over, touched Ann’s arm gently, and whispered,
“Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?”

And thus began Frank's life of celibacy.
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Message 1881836 - Posted: 3 Aug 2017, 14:23:04 UTC

A man decided to spend the night with a prostitute.

When it was over she told him to pay $500. He said he’d send it to her in an envelope marked “Rent for Apartment.”

The next day, however, he regretted that he spent the night with her and sent only $250. When she wrote him a letter asking why he didn’t pay full price, he wrote her a memo saying:
"Dear lady, I am including a check for $250 for your rent. I am not sending you the sum we previously agreed on, as before I rented the apartment I was given the impression that:

1. The apartment had not been used before.

2. It had adequate heating.

3. It was small enough for me to feel comfortable in it.

Instead, I found the apartment had been used many times before, had no heating and was too big for me!"

Quite pleased with himself, he sends the letter.

A few days later the prostitute responds in her own letter, saying the following:

"Dear Sir,

1. You should have known such a beautiful apartment had been rented before.

2. The apartment did have adequate heating. You just didn’t know how to turn it on.

3. The apartment was the perfect size. You just didn’t have large enough furniture to fill it.

You are hereby asked to pay the rent in full or I will be forced to contact your current landlady!"
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Message 1882875 - Posted: 9 Aug 2017, 21:15:08 UTC

Old jokes never die, People have just groan out of them!
Happy Crunching,

Graham

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Message 1883951 - Posted: 15 Aug 2017, 2:22:20 UTC

I thought this up, sounds funny to Me. Note I'm not making fun of anyone in Europe or anywhere else.

There is a river that flows from Switzerland, thru France to the sea.

It's the Rhone River, why the Rhone?

Cause the Rhine was taken.
The T1 Trust, PRR T1 Class 4-4-4-4 #5550, 1 of America's First HST's
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Message 1883961 - Posted: 15 Aug 2017, 4:11:16 UTC

The Redhead








A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there's a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He's been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.


"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.


They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap.



They had a wonderful time. He stays for breakfast. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed.



Everything had been SO incredible!


"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?"


"No," she replies. . ."You just happened to catch my eye."
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Message 1883998 - Posted: 15 Aug 2017, 11:00:47 UTC - in response to Message 1883961.  

Maybe she will keep an eye out for him next time.
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Message 1884847 - Posted: 19 Aug 2017, 0:53:21 UTC

This morning, around 7:00 AM, I went for my stroll around the local Marina. I noticed a man shouting "Allah be praised!" and "Death to all Infidels!", when suddenly he tripped and fell into the water.

He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he was carrying. If he didn't get help he would surely drown!

Being a responsible citizen, and abiding by the law of the land that requires you help those in distress, I contacted the Police, the Coast Guard, Homeland Security and even the Fire Department!

It is now 11:00 AM, the terrorist has drowned, and none of the authorities have responded. I'm starting to think I just wasted four stamps.
~Sue~

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Message 1889273 - Posted: 11 Sep 2017, 17:17:56 UTC

My wife and I went to the auction mart at Tralee the other week and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week ! ...........You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR

'My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if every time was with the same old cow.'

My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.
~Sue~

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Message boards : Cafe SETI : The joke thread Part 4.


 
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