The joke thread Part 4.

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Profile Julie
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Message 1485466 - Posted: 6 Mar 2014, 20:29:48 UTC
Last modified: 6 Mar 2014, 20:30:43 UTC

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Message 1485834 - Posted: 7 Mar 2014, 18:43:53 UTC

POWER CUT

We had a power outage at our house this morning and my PC, laptop, TV,
DVD, iPad and new surround sound music system were all shut down.

Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was flat and to top it off it
was raining outside, so I couldn't go and play golf.

I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then remembered the
kettle also needs power. So, I sat and talked with my wife for a few
hours.

She seems like a nice person.
~Sue~

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Message 1485863 - Posted: 7 Mar 2014, 19:29:22 UTC - in response to Message 1485834.  

I sat and talked with my wife for a few
hours.

She seems like a nice person.

I thought the judge stayed that decision in Texas, pending appeal.

(Oops, don't want to get into politics here!)
David
Sitting on my butt while others boldly go,
Waiting for a message from a small furry creature from Alpha Centauri.

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Message 1485867 - Posted: 7 Mar 2014, 19:36:46 UTC - in response to Message 1485834.  

She seems like a nice person.


LSM and I are right now in the floor, come
to think about it, Thanks Suzie-Q.......
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Message 1485870 - Posted: 7 Mar 2014, 19:42:00 UTC - in response to Message 1485867.  

She seems like a nice person.

Thanks, Suzie-Q. :)
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Message 1485876 - Posted: 7 Mar 2014, 19:48:17 UTC

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads."
~Sue~

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Message 1485878 - Posted: 7 Mar 2014, 19:49:17 UTC - in response to Message 1485863.  

I sat and talked with my wife for a few
hours.

She seems like a nice person.

I thought the judge stayed that decision in Texas, pending appeal.

(Oops, don't want to get into politics here!)


Ha ha, Dave.

It's a joke. Not an anecdote.
~Sue~

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Message 1486478 - Posted: 9 Mar 2014, 0:51:35 UTC

This came to me from an English friend. I don't know about the first two, but
the third one is about right, actually!

-------------------
Question:
How do you tell the difference between a British Police Officer, an Australian Police Officer and an American Police Officer?

Answer:
First - Lets pose the following question:

You're on duty by yourself walking on a deserted street late at night.
Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and lunges at you. You are carrying a truncheon; however you have only a split second to react before he reaches you. What do you do?

BRITISH POLICE OFFICER:
Firstly the officer must consider the man's Human Rights.
1) Does the man look poor or oppressed?
2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?
3) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
4) Am I dressed provocatively?
5) Could I run away?
6) Could I possibly use my truncheon to knock the knife out of his hand?
7) Should I try to negotiate with him to discuss his wrong doings?
8) Does the truncheon have have just the right weight to stop but not injure him?
9) Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?10)
10) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?
11) If I raise my truncheon and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself? .
12) If I club and injure him, and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?

AUSTRALIAN POLICE OFFICER:
BANG!

AMERICAN POLICE OFFICER:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! 'click'....
(Sergeant arrives at scene later and remarks: 'Nice grouping!)
~Sue~

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Message 1486917 - Posted: 10 Mar 2014, 7:30:12 UTC

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.

“Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing …”, I said.

Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favourite topic of conversation.

She was "only thinking of me" she said and suggested I go down to the Senior Centre and hang out with the guys.

I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her.

I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.

She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 73 years old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.

She immediately telephoned me, "Good grief, where are your glasses!

This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

"Oh man, I'm in trouble again; I really don't know what to do ... I signed up for five jumps a week!!"

The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.

Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.
.


A person who makes no mistakes, creates nothing.
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Message 1486939 - Posted: 10 Mar 2014, 9:51:18 UTC

Not only am I'm getting older, but I'm also getting odder....
Bob Smith
Member of Seti PIPPS (Pluto is a Planet Protest Society)
Somewhere in the (un)known Universe?
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Message 1486943 - Posted: 10 Mar 2014, 10:23:43 UTC - in response to Message 1486939.  

Not only am I'm getting older, but I'm also getting odder....

LOL ! Good one Rob ... I think that applies to me LOL :)
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Message 1486990 - Posted: 10 Mar 2014, 14:32:25 UTC

You just gotta love newspapers.....
















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Message 1487034 - Posted: 10 Mar 2014, 17:22:34 UTC

"You'll be fine," the doctor said after finishing the young blonde woman's surgery.

"But," she asked, "how long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again, doctor?"

The surgeon seemed to pause and a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye, which alarmed the girl.

"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied, “Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils removed."
~Sue~

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Message 1487244 - Posted: 11 Mar 2014, 1:00:25 UTC

meanwhile in the big smoke canada's national embarrasment has a thought on daylight saving time:



he needs to stop trying to think
Pure mathematics is, in its way, the poetry of logical ideas.

Albert Einstein
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Message 1487251 - Posted: 11 Mar 2014, 1:33:11 UTC - in response to Message 1487244.  

See, and they said he was good for nothing.....
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Message 1487259 - Posted: 11 Mar 2014, 1:50:53 UTC - in response to Message 1487244.  

meanwhile in the big smoke canada's national embarrasment has a thought on daylight saving time:



he needs to stop trying to think


Our mayor jumps up and down till his lights work. Think it's because he has one of those low energy bulbs fitted.

Let's hope they never meet. :)

(Lovely to see you Allie - fantastic post!)
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Message 1487260 - Posted: 11 Mar 2014, 1:54:33 UTC

Stop it... I can't breath.... ooh... my tummy hurts! (A* all!)
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Message 1487297 - Posted: 11 Mar 2014, 4:08:44 UTC
Last modified: 11 Mar 2014, 4:09:24 UTC

Most people up here in the land of the free
and home of the cold tend to remark about
how much Toronto seems a lot like the good
old US of A.....
(Well, I heard that.)
Whoops off topic, sorry it won't happen
much more....
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Message 1487344 - Posted: 11 Mar 2014, 7:33:52 UTC

Better than a Flu Shot!

Miss Beatrice, The church organist, Was in her eighties And had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea...

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass
bowl Sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated. of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor
tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?
Pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.

The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.

Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.
.


A person who makes no mistakes, creates nothing.
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Message 1487787 - Posted: 12 Mar 2014, 12:50:40 UTC

What fantastic posts everyone!

You will find me mostly agape with giggles now :)
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Message boards : Cafe SETI : The joke thread Part 4.


 
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