Graham, you are either a very bad man,
or you need lots of serious help....



edit:
It's easy for me, I can blame
every thing on the meds!

So can I :-)

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Happy Crunching,

Graham

I'm the senior union steward for the Blondes Union & I can assure you that our members are not that intelligent.

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.



Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.



I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.

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The number of posts, 404!

Boudreau's wife told him last week, "We can't afford beer anymore, and you will have to quit drinking." Then Boudreau looked at her last month's credit card bill.
$65.00 for make-up
$150.00 for a color & cut
$30.00 for a manicure
$40.00 for a pedicure
$50.00 for vitamins
$300.00 for clothes
$125.00 for a tanning salon
And last but not least, $600.00 for a SPA membership.
So Boudreau asked her, "Why do I have ta give up stuff an' you don't?"
She told him, "That's what I needed to look pretty for you."
Then Boudreau told her, "Dat's basically what da beer is for."

---

I'd rather speak my mind because it hurts too much to bite my tongue.
----
Anyone who believes a God as powerful as our God did not create others does not truly believe our God is all powerful.

If He created them, they are meant to be found.

The Blonde Cowboy



One day, the local Deputy Sheriff in a Texas town picked up this cowboy - he was butt nekkid except for his boots.

The sheriff cuffs him, covers him with a blanket & puts him in the car and transports him to the local jail.

Once there, he goes through the booking procedure and then asks, "Why were you wandering around town in nothin' but yer boots, boy?"

The cowboy (a blonde) tells the deputy, "Well, it's lahk this. Ah was out at the local waterin' hole havin' a few and in comes the most gorgeous lady ah've ever seen."

"She sits right next to me and we commenced ta havin a few together and talkin' and such, and after a while, she says, 'Why don't y'all come back to mah place?', so ah did."

"We get ta her place, have a few more and talk a bit more and then she up and removes her blouse and invites me ta do the same. So ah did."

"A few more later, she stands up and takes off her jeans & invites me to do the same, so ah did."

"Then she commences ta take off her bra & panties & invites me ta do the same, so ah did."

"Then she lays down on the bed, spreads her legs apart really wide and says, 'Now you go ta town, cowboy'."






So here ah am!"

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From the last page of the Sep. 2015 American Legion Magazine
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.

.

.

.

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~Sue~

A man has the world's dumbest dog. Can't be trained to do anything, just sits there and drools. He takes it to the vet for a checkup and neutering.

The vet gives the dog a thorough examination and pronounces it basically healthy, then says he can't do the neutering.

"Why not?" asks the owner.

"Because," replies the vet, "you can't fix Stupid."

---

David
Sitting on my butt while others boldly go,
Waiting for a message from a small furry creature from Alpha Centauri.

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge asks, "First offender?"

She replied, "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender!"

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LOL!! :D

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rOZZ
Music
Pictures

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.

Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.'

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~Sue~

Q. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?

A. A stick.



Q. How do you make holy water?

A. You boil the hell out of it.



Q. Where do you find a dog with no legs?

A. Right where you left him.


Oh gezz, huh?

---

River Song (aka Linda Latte on planet Earth)
"Happy I-Phone girl on the GO GO GO"

Blond women gets pulled over ...a female officer with blonde hair gets out of the car walks up to her knocks on the window and says

Drivers license and insurance ...

Blonde woman in the car says

I have no idea what ID is ....

Oficer says it is small square and has a picture of you ..

Women grabs her purse and starts digging and finds a small square mirror
she looks into it sees herself and hands it to the officer...

officer looks into it and says

Oh i'm sorry mam i see you are a police officer too .... have a nice day

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I came down with a bad case of i don't give a crap

Those of you who think President Barack Obama golfs too much probably haven’t this story of the good deed he was able to do one day while out on the links.

It may go down in history as the only good deed of his presidency.

Anyway, this apparently happened in 2012, at the height of the presidential campaign.

Obama and three of his largest donors … er, closest friends … were getting ready for a round of golf.

Let’s see, in 2012, that would probably have been about his 150th round.

But I digress.

“A middle-aged woman was teeing off for her round of golf when she toppled over after swinging too hard,” or so Young Conservatives told us.

“The foursome waiting on the tee happened to include President Obama. Reacting quickly, Obama adroitly ran to the woman and helped her up.

“She thanked him and began to re-tee her ball,” when Obama realized that he should cozy up to this woman as both a voter and a potential donor.

She could, after all, afford to play on a very exclusive golf course.

“By the way,” he said with his best baby-kissing smile, “I’m Barack Obama and I sure hope you vote for me in November.”

She smiled and replied, “I fell on my butt, Mr. President, not on my head,”

---

Those of you who think President Barack Obama golfs too much probably haven’t this story of the good deed he was able to do one day while out on the links.

It may go down in history as the only good deed of his presidency.

Anyway, this apparently happened in 2012, at the height of the presidential campaign.

Obama and three of his largest donors … er, closest friends … were getting ready for a round of golf.

Let’s see, in 2012, that would probably have been about his 150th round.

But I digress.

“A middle-aged woman was teeing off for her round of golf when she toppled over after swinging too hard,” or so Young Conservatives told us.

“The foursome waiting on the tee happened to include President Obama. Reacting quickly, Obama adroitly ran to the woman and helped her up.

“She thanked him and began to re-tee her ball,” when Obama realized that he should cozy up to this woman as both a voter and a potential donor.

She could, after all, afford to play on a very exclusive golf course.

“By the way,” he said with his best baby-kissing smile, “I’m Barack Obama and I sure hope you vote for me in November.”

She smiled and replied, “I fell on my butt, Mr. President, not on my head,”

This "joke" is infuriating and should not have been posted anywhere outside of the Politics forum.

---

David
Sitting on my butt while others boldly go,
Waiting for a message from a small furry creature from Alpha Centauri.

The confused Welsh Primate
Di A Lemur

---

Bob Smith
Member of Seti PIPPS (Pluto is a Planet Protest Society)
Somewhere in the (un)known Universe?

A young man named Chuck bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Chucks house and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.’

Chuck replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’

The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.’

Chuck said, ‘Okay, then, just bring me the dead horse.’

The farmer asked, ‘What ya gonna do with him?

Chuck said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’

The farmer said, ‘You can’t raffle off a dead horse!’

Chuck said, ‘Sure I can, Watch me. I just won’t tell any body he’s dead.’

A month Later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, ‘What happened with that dead horse?’

Chuck said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars a piece and made a profit of $2495.’

The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’

Chuck said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back.’




Possibly it was the excitement of going out with Dave, her new boyfriend, for the first time.

Alternatively, it could have been something she had eaten.

Whatever the reason, Caroline had been stricken for the last hour with a rather bad attack of wind.

By the time her date arrived it was all she could do to get from the house and into the car without disgracing herself. As Dave closed the door on her side and walked round to his, in desperation Caroline exploded with a very large and loud fart.

Dave, getting into the driving seat, appeared not to have noticed. However, turning to her and indicating towards the back seat he said, "Let me introduce my two friends, Linda and Brian. I thought they would like to join us tonight!"




In 1972, Joe Miller was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Tulsa Junior College.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Joe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Joe worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to Joe, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Joe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Joe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Thirty years later, Joe was walking through the Tulsa Zoo with his family. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Joe and his family were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Joe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1972, Joe could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Joe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Joe's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

---

Two blonds are in a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A game warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, gents, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."

"We don't have any." replied the first man.

"Well, if you're going to fish, you need fishing licenses," said the game warden.

"But officer," replied the second man, "we aren't fishing. All we have are magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."

The game warden lifted up the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," shrugged the game warden. "Take all the debris you want." And with that, the game warden left.

As soon as he was out of sight, the men started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop! Doesn't he know that there are steelheads in this river?!"

---

~Sue~

A little bit of Aussie culcha:


LOGON: Adding wood to make the barbie hotter

LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the barbie.

MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the barbie.

DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the ute.

HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies.

KEYBOARD: Where you hang the ute keys.

WINDOWS: What you shut when the weather's cold.

SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season..

BYTE: What mozzies do

MEGABYTE: What Townsville mozzies do.

CHIP: A pub snack.

MICROCHIP: What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips.

MODEM: What you did to the lawns.

LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps.

SOFTWARE: Plastic knives and forks you get at Red Rooster.

HARDWARE: Stainless steel knives and forks - from K-Mart.

MOUSE: The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.

MAINFRAME: What holds the shed up.

WEB: What spiders make.

WEBSITE: Usually in the shed or under the verandah.

SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the ute won't go.

CURSOR: What you say when the ute won't go.

YAHOO: What you say when the ute does go.

UPGRADE: A steep hill.

SERVER: The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.

MAIL SERVER: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.

USER: The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.

NETWORK:What you do when you need to repair the fishing net.

INTERNET: Where you want the fish to go.

NETSCAPE: What the fish do when they discover a hole in the net.

ONLINE: Where you hang the washing.

OFFLINE: Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren't strong enough.

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Bob Smith
Member of Seti PIPPS (Pluto is a Planet Protest Society)
Somewhere in the (un)known Universe?

Yes! :-D

Someone finally understands us! :-O

Cheers.