The innocence of childhood!

While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room.
As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's, he said, “I know how you feel. My Mom makes me ride in the stroller too.”


*****


As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breastfeed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing. After mulling over my answers, she remarked, “My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them.”

*****


Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children.
One day, I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her injection.

“No, no, no!” she screamed.

“Lizzie,” scolded her mother, "that's not polite behavior.”

With that, the girl yelled even louder,“No, thank you! No, thank you!"


******



God’s Problem Now!


His wife's graveside service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.


The little, old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she’s there."

*****

---

.


A person who makes no mistakes, creates nothing.

I asked the hotel receptionist for a wake-up call.

She rang my room and said, "What the hell are you doing with your life?"

---

Dave
Funny joker

This just has to be nominated for the "Joke of the Century" :-)

IQ
"the data seem to indicate steady increases in the US, for example, but a decline in the UK."

Full report for those interested

Sorry Keith to sick for me

---

Pluto will always be a planet to me.

Seti Ambassador
Not to late to order an Anni Shirt

A Must read for Grandparents

(Those who aren't will love it, too.)

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, 'Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?'

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

'Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?'

The little boy nodded 'yes'.

'So,' the coach continued, 'I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head, dickhead or asshole. Do you understand all that? '

The little boy nodded 'yes' again.

He continued, 'And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play too, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach "a dumb ass or shithead" is it?'

The little boy shook his head 'NO'.

'GOOD', said the coach . . . 'Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother!'

---

.


A person who makes no mistakes, creates nothing.

A husband sends a text to his wife:

Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office. Tina brought me to the hospital. They've been taking tests and doing x-rays. The blow to my head was very hard, may be serious. Also, I have 3 broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture on my left leg and they may have to amputate the right foot.

His wife's response:

Who is Tina?

A ma calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I'm not coming in to work today, I'm really sick. I've got a headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt so I'm not coming in."

His boss says, "You know, I really need you today. When I feel like that I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. It makes everything better and I can go to work. You try."

Two hours later the man calls again: "Boss, I did what you said and I feel great. I'll be at work soon. You've got a nice house."

I went in to a pet shop last week….

I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?"

The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?"

I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

Sounds like one of the groaners from an Oak Park Pet and Fish radio commercial.

---

David
Sitting on my butt while others boldly go,
Waiting for a message from a small furry creature from Alpha Centauri.

An Italian, a Frenchman and an Englishman were talking about screams of passion.

The Italian said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non-stop for five minutes."

The Frenchman said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac oil from Provence and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight."

The Englishman said: That's nothing! Last night I massaged my wife, y'know, all over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter and then made love and I made her scream for two long hours."

The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two full hours? Wow! That's phenomenal. How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?"

The Englishman replied: "I wiped my hands on the curtains."

---

.


A person who makes no mistakes, creates nothing.

ROFLMAO...

---

"Time is simply the mechanism that keeps everything from happening all at once."

HAHAHAHAHAHA



(Is it time for Jihadi jokes yet?)

---

(Bill Clinton)

Started jogging near his
new home in Chappaqua.

But on each run he happened to jog
past a hooker standing on the same
street corner, day after day.

with some apprehension he would brace
himself as he approached her for what
was most certainly to follow.

"Fifty dollars!" she would cry
out from the curb.

"No, Five dollars!"
fired back Clinton.

This ritual between Bill and the
hooker continued for days.

He'd run by and she'd yell,
"Fifty dollars!"


And he'd yell back,
"Five dollars!"


One day however,
Hillary decided that she
wanted to accompany her
husband on his jog!

As the jogging couple neared the problematic
street corner, Bill realized the "pro" would
bark her $50 offer and Hillary would
wonder what he'd really
been doing on all his past outings.

He realized he should have a
darn good explanation
for the Secretary of State.

As they jogged into the turn that would
take them past the corner,

Bill became even more apprehensive
than usual.

Sure enough,
there was the hooker!


Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes
as she watched the pair jog past.


Then, from the sidewalk,

the hooker yelled. . .



"See what you get for five bucks!?"



*

Mods: Pull this, if too risque'.

*

A SMALL GLIMMER OF HOPE IN THE GLOOM !

'Viagra' is now available in tea bags.

It doesn't enhance your sexual performance but it does stop your biscuit going soft.

---

.


A person who makes no mistakes, creates nothing.

"See what you get for five bucks!?"

There is a story told about George W. Bush, but you could probably substitute the name of any President and his chief political nemesis....

President Bush departs Marine One helicopter, is saluted by Marine Guard, who notices Bush has a small pig under each arm. He comments "Nice Piglets, Sir".

Bush replies "Thanks. Got them for Rep. Pelosi and Sen. Reid".

Marine Replies "Good Trade, Sir".

---

Donald
Infernal Optimist / Submariner, retired

I tried watching today's solar eclipse through a colander.

I think I've strained my eyes.

I think that there's lots of holes in that suggestion.

---

Happy Crunching,

Graham

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags. Then try 50-lb potato bags and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level).


After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

---

Happy Crunching,

Graham

Some Irish Jokes

• O'Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, "Not guilty."
"That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"

• Finnegin: "My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it."
Keenan: "What on earth is she doin' at that time?"
Finnegin: "Waitin' for me to come home."

• Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.

• The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent.

• An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?"
"Who told you that?" asked Paddy.

• Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple?
Answer - So the English can understand them.

• Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in the window?"
Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."

• Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?"
"No," said himself, "but I'm gettin' closer all the time."

• Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?
A. A bachelor.

• "O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?"
"It did surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!"

• Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. "Quick!" he said. "Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!"
"Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked.
"No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'."

• Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?

• My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?

---

.


A person who makes no mistakes, creates nothing.

You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one!
You don't even have to like 'em!

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the back yard, scoots back into the front door.

We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!

The cab driver hit a parked car.

---

.


A person who makes no mistakes, creates nothing.

Harley and Vaseline

Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.
It's shiny and in mint condition.

He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain, and he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.
Naturally, they take the bike there.

Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to
tell you something about my family.

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk.

In fact, the FIRST person who says anything during dinner has to do the
dishes.'

'No problem,' he says.. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the
corridor, everywhere he looks. dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

He leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

He reaches over and fondles her breasts. Nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table
and screws her, right there in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom
horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. She's got a great body too.

Joe grabs mom, bends her over the table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table.

She has a big orgasm, & Joe sits down.

His girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, & Mom is beaming from ear to
ear. But still....Total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father shouts.
I'll do the ***** dishes!!

---

.


A person who makes no mistakes, creates nothing.