The joke thread Part 4.

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Message 1628118 - Posted: 15 Jan 2015, 20:24:29 UTC - in response to Message 1628091.  

before I get confused...


That's the second time you said that.....



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Message 1628120 - Posted: 15 Jan 2015, 20:34:53 UTC

Older folks don't need a time machine to get confused.
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Message 1628241 - Posted: 16 Jan 2015, 2:52:58 UTC - in response to Message 1627793.  

A wife asks her husband,

"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."

If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again!
Men will get it the first time. My work is done here.


This is a funny joke without the gender bashing at the end. Also, I
believe, in other versions I've seen, the genders were reversed.

I haven't seen it where the genders were reversed, but I have seen it where the husband was a computer programmer, or some other profession where that would be the way he thought. And without the italic part.
David
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Waiting for a message from a small furry creature from Alpha Centauri.

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Message 1628558 - Posted: 16 Jan 2015, 19:31:58 UTC - in response to Message 1628118.  

before I get confused...

I was born in the State of Confusion, & never left!
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Message 1628808 - Posted: 17 Jan 2015, 3:40:14 UTC

Transcribed from a meme on Facebook:

Sitting in a bar having drinks with a friend, I casually pointed to two old drunks sitting across from us and said, "That's us in ten years."

My friend said, "That's a mirror, dipsh*t."

David
Sitting on my butt while others boldly go,
Waiting for a message from a small furry creature from Alpha Centauri.

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Message 1629036 - Posted: 17 Jan 2015, 18:26:58 UTC

The Importance of walking

Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at £4,000 per month.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing...

I joined a health club last year, spent about £250.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there!

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,.......
just getting over the hill.


We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a pub with a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.

You could run this over to your friends But just e-mail it to them!
It will save you the walk!
Bob Smith
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Message 1629129 - Posted: 17 Jan 2015, 23:01:38 UTC - in response to Message 1628120.  

Older folks don't need a time machine to get confused.


LOL:)))
rOZZ
Music
Pictures
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Message 1633062 - Posted: 26 Jan 2015, 18:09:26 UTC - in response to Message 1633026.  

So that's what all those junk mailings were.....


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Message 1634367 - Posted: 29 Jan 2015, 1:23:38 UTC

A guy and a girl meet at a bar.

They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.
The girl has been watching him and says:
"You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says:
"Yes .... How did you figure that out?"
"Easy.." she replies, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing leads to another and they make love.

After it's over the girl says: "You must be a really good dentist."

The guy, now with an inflated ego, says:
"Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"

The girl replies:....







"Didn't feel a thing."
~Sue~

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Message 1635577 - Posted: 31 Jan 2015, 6:49:49 UTC

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway...

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why, Why, Why we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a thread a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it must be you.
.


A person who makes no mistakes, creates nothing.
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Message 1635579 - Posted: 31 Jan 2015, 7:14:35 UTC

40 years of marriage ...

A married
couple in their early 60's were celebrating their
40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic
little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet
beautiful fairy appeared on their table.
She
said, 'For being such an exemplary married
couple and for being loving to each other for
all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'

The wife
answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around
the world with my darling husband.'

The
fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two
tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her
hands.

The husband thought for a moment:
'Well, this is all very romantic, but an
opportunity like this will never come again. I'm
sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30
years younger than me.'
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed,
but a wish is a wish.
Error!
Filename not specified.
So the
fairy waved her magic wand and
poof!...
The husband became 92 years old.


The moral of this story:
Men who
are ungrateful bastards should remember
fairies are female.....

Error!
Filename not specified.
"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster

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Message 1636145 - Posted: 1 Feb 2015, 17:17:10 UTC

Scenario:

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.
On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also travelling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?




Answer:







Get off the children's Merry Go Round, you're pissed
.


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Message 1636184 - Posted: 1 Feb 2015, 18:35:14 UTC

IBM is in a quandary....

The Republic of Ireland has just banned one of its database products for being racist.

Following recent a recent anti-discrimination hearing, and appearances before committees of the RoI government they are faced with a ban on the marketing, or naming the product on their support services, website, or other media accessible to the public.


The product?


















Informicks
Bob Smith
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Message 1636196 - Posted: 1 Feb 2015, 18:53:31 UTC

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Message 1638350 - Posted: 6 Feb 2015, 22:14:37 UTC
Last modified: 6 Feb 2015, 22:22:16 UTC

The inventor of predictive text has died.

His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Dave
Funny joker
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Message 1638486 - Posted: 7 Feb 2015, 7:22:39 UTC

Puns for Educated Minds

1.
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2.
I thought I saw an eye - doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3.
She was only a whisky - maker, but he loved her still.

4.
A rubber - band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9.
A hole has been found in the nudist - camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other:
'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13.
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15.
The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16.
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17.
A backward poet writes inverse.

18.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19 .
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

21.
A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'

23.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root - canal?
His goal: transcend dental medication.

26.
There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
.


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Message 1638560 - Posted: 7 Feb 2015, 11:54:58 UTC
Last modified: 7 Feb 2015, 11:55:58 UTC

I must have a lot of antique computers....they are always baroque.
"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster

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Message 1642632 - Posted: 16 Feb 2015, 0:36:14 UTC

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY - (a husband's point of view)


The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
... T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".


Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread...


In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.


Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!



Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!


She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominater !!


Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.


She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!


Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one!!


Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey.
~Sue~

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Message 1642636 - Posted: 16 Feb 2015, 0:41:55 UTC - in response to Message 1642632.  

ROTFLOL

:):)



Thank you....
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Message 1642638 - Posted: 16 Feb 2015, 0:47:08 UTC - in response to Message 1642636.  

ROTFLOL

:):)



Thank you....


+100 :-)
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Message boards : Cafe SETI : The joke thread Part 4.


 
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