The joke thread Part 4.

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Message 1599362 - Posted: 10 Nov 2014, 9:53:26 UTC

After his exam the doctor asked the elderly man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife, I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

Later, after examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: "Everything appears To be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

She replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh that crazy old fart," she replied.

"That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is in December."
~Sue~

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Message 1607592 - Posted: 1 Dec 2014, 7:27:00 UTC

The Salvation Army realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.
So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the Sallies?'

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'
Embarrassed, the Sally rep mumbles, 'Uh... no, I didn't know that.'

'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?
The stricken Sally rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'

The humiliated Sally rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry. I had no idea.'
And the lawyer says, 'So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?'
.


A person who makes no mistakes, creates nothing.
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Message 1610696 - Posted: 8 Dec 2014, 8:31:48 UTC

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.

"He's a funeral director," she answered..
"Interesting," the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.
After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now – in her 80's – a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.


(Wait for it)




She smiled and explained,……


"I married 1 for the money, 2 for the show, 3 to get ready, and 4 to go."
.


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Message 1613819 - Posted: 14 Dec 2014, 12:02:17 UTC

A Xmas one just for the ladies :-)

"A virgin birth I can believe
but finding 3 wise men?"
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Message 1613981 - Posted: 14 Dec 2014, 20:45:27 UTC

Bad Parrot

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said,

"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour when the bird spoke-up, very softly,

"May I ask what the turkey did?"
Bob Smith
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Somewhere in the (un)known Universe?
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Message 1614872 - Posted: 16 Dec 2014, 22:40:14 UTC

The Love Affair - A slice of life!!!

Ed and Carolyn met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home. Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Carolyn to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Carolyn was indeed his soul mate... and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Carolyn to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Carolyn took a deep breath and responded, "Ed that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker." Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.”
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Message 1616902 - Posted: 21 Dec 2014, 7:58:33 UTC

Alan and Sandra lived on a cove at Gull Lake , Alberta .
It was early winter and the lower portion of the cove had frozen over.

Alan asked Sandra if she would walk across the frozen part of the cove to the general store and get him some smokes and beer.

She asked him for some money, but he told her, "Nah, just put it on our tab.
Old man Stacey won't mind."

So Sandra, being the good wife walked across the ice, got the smokes and beer at the store and then walked back home across the cove.

When she got home with the items she said, "Alan, you always tell me not to run up the tab at Stacey's store.

Why didn't you just give me some money?"

Alan replied, "Well, Sandra, I didn't want to send you out there with cash when I wasn't sure how thick the ice was!"
.


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Message 1620088 - Posted: 29 Dec 2014, 9:29:36 UTC

A man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"
He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."
------------------------------
A man goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me."
The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."
------------------------------------
A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ". He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
------------------------------------
A man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"
------------------------------------
A man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"
------------------------------------
A man's dog goes missing and he is frantic. His wife says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy!" he replies.
------------------------------------
A man is in jail. The guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," he replies.
"The rope should be around your neck" says the guard.
"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."
------------------------------------
A friend told the man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."
The man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
------------------------------------
Two men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.
One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."
------------------------------------
A woman phoned her neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you & your wife are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
To which the man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday.
.


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Message 1620220 - Posted: 29 Dec 2014, 16:08:09 UTC

Two blonds walk into a bar.....















Second one says to first one










"I saw you walk into that bar and didn't think it would hurt as much the second time...."
Bob Smith
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Message 1620231 - Posted: 29 Dec 2014, 16:47:44 UTC

Updated Employee Handbook
Effective Immediately

DRESS CODE:

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada
sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not
need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS:

We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:

Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

VACATION DAYS:

All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows:
Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.

ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH:

This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical Order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go >From 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict
3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

LUNCH BREAK:

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week.

Management
The Universe doesnt always give you what you want... But it ALWAYS gives you what you need.
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Message 1625316 - Posted: 8 Jan 2015, 7:36:10 UTC

Overheard in church, a lady praying:

"Dear Lord, she said, This has been a tough two or three years.

You have taken my favourite actor Richard Attenborough.

My favourite pop singer Michael Jackson.

My favourite Blues Singer Amy Winehouse.

My favourite football manager Bobby Robson.

My favourite golfer Seve Ballesteros

My favourite singer Whitney Houston.

My favourite comedienne Joan Rivers

I just wanted you to know that my favourite politicians are:

Nigel Farage, Tony Blair, Ed Balls, Harriet Harman, Nick Clegg, Vince Cable and Ed Miliband (in no particular order).


Amen.”
.


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Message 1625863 - Posted: 9 Jan 2015, 18:48:48 UTC
Last modified: 9 Jan 2015, 18:57:14 UTC

I am currently bracing myself for flaming :-)


A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you. " The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.




























The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!

Forward this to all the guys for a good laugh, and to all the ladies who have a good sense of humour
Happy Crunching,

Graham

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Message 1626963 - Posted: 13 Jan 2015, 3:02:05 UTC

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or plastic?" I just say, "It doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do fart a lot."
~Sue~

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Message 1627147 - Posted: 13 Jan 2015, 13:55:47 UTC

I can't claim credit for this one, that honour belongs to Steven Emerson's "error of judgement"...

"In Britain the weather switches between Sunni and Shi'ite"

...then again, it could have gone in the weather thread :-)
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Message 1627341 - Posted: 14 Jan 2015, 7:04:47 UTC

A wife asks her husband,

"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."

If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again!
Men will get it the first time. My work is done here.

.


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Message 1627625 - Posted: 14 Jan 2015, 19:42:09 UTC - in response to Message 1627341.  
Last modified: 14 Jan 2015, 19:42:26 UTC

A wife asks her husband,

"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."

If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again!
Men will get it the first time. My work is done here.




<standing well clear of Julie's and Uli's rolling pins, and whatever weapon Angela uses>
David
Sitting on my butt while others boldly go,
Waiting for a message from a small furry creature from Alpha Centauri.

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Message 1627793 - Posted: 15 Jan 2015, 4:36:54 UTC - in response to Message 1627341.  

A wife asks her husband,

"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."

If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again!
Men will get it the first time. My work is done here.


This is a funny joke without the gender bashing at the end. Also, I
believe, in other versions I've seen, the genders were reversed.
~Sue~

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Message 1627956 - Posted: 15 Jan 2015, 13:17:32 UTC - in response to Message 1627793.  

A wife asks her husband,

"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."

If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again!
Men will get it the first time. My work is done here.


This is a funny joke without the gender bashing at the end. Also, I
believe, in other versions I've seen, the genders were reversed.


:)
rOZZ
Music
Pictures
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Message 1628091 - Posted: 15 Jan 2015, 19:27:07 UTC

I have gone to meet myself. If I return before I get back, hold me here, because it's important that I see myself when I get back before I get confused...
The Universe doesnt always give you what you want... But it ALWAYS gives you what you need.
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Message 1628102 - Posted: 15 Jan 2015, 19:40:22 UTC - in response to Message 1628091.  

I have gone to meet myself. If I return before I get back, hold me here, because it's important that I see myself when I get back before I get confused...



LOL :)
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Message boards : Cafe SETI : The joke thread Part 4.


 
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