The joke thread Part 4.

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Message 1537109 - Posted: 7 Jul 2014, 3:56:57 UTC - in response to Message 1536854.  

"If your grandfather hadn't worn Old Spice aftershave, you wouldn't exist".


Isn't that from "Meet The Parents"?
~Sue~

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Message 1537485 - Posted: 7 Jul 2014, 20:18:03 UTC - in response to Message 1536663.  

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the England Football team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

In the US, substitute any professional football or baseball team, depending on where the joke-teller lives.
David
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Message 1539247 - Posted: 10 Jul 2014, 17:49:31 UTC - in response to Message 1477488.  

How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

None: That is a hardware problem.

Nope...
Ask a bureaucrat instead
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Luigi Naruszewicz
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Message 1540727 - Posted: 13 Jul 2014, 6:29:26 UTC

I believe the AMA is the Australian medical association and that Joe Hockey is a politician.

The AMA has weighed in on Joe Hockey’s proposed changes to Australia’s health services

The Allergists voted to scratch them, but the

Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the

Neurologists thought he had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt he was labouring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the ideas short-sighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the

Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the ideas were madness, while the

Radiologists could see right through them.

The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The ENT specialists didn't swallow it, and just wouldn’t hear of it.

The Pharmacists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the

Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the

Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anaesthetists thought the ideas were a gas, but the

Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the a**eholes in parliament!
.


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Message 1540748 - Posted: 13 Jul 2014, 7:34:06 UTC

That's a very good one Luigi. :-D

Cheers.
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Message 1541118 - Posted: 13 Jul 2014, 19:59:09 UTC - in response to Message 1540748.  

That's a very good one Luigi. :-D

Cheers.


:))))))))))))) excellent! :)
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Message 1546144 - Posted: 23 Jul 2014, 2:49:12 UTC

Two hunters named Stash and Walter hired a pilot to fly them into the Alaskan wilderness where they managed to bag two big Bull Moose. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only the hunters, their gear and one Moose.

The hunters objected strongly saying, "Last year we shot two, and the pilot let us take them both...and he had exactly the same airplane as yours."

Reluctantly the pilot, not wanting to be outdone by another bush pilot, gave in and everything was loaded. However, even under full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down, crashing in the wooded wilderness.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose, clothing and sleeping bags, Stash and Walter survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Walter asked Stash, "Any idea where we are?"

Stash replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
~Sue~

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Profile Michael Belanger, W1DGL
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Message 1546215 - Posted: 23 Jul 2014, 5:47:39 UTC

Husband takes the wife to a Club. There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for people, the works.

Wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!"
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Message 1546555 - Posted: 23 Jul 2014, 23:14:44 UTC - in response to Message 1546215.  

Husband takes the wife to a Club. There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for people, the works.

Wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!"

How long was husband in the hospital?
David
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Message 1546807 - Posted: 24 Jul 2014, 7:18:18 UTC

After Nigeria was eliminated from the World Cup the Nigerian captain personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that travelled to Brazil.

He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.
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Message 1548267 - Posted: 27 Jul 2014, 2:57:17 UTC - in response to Message 1546807.  

After Nigeria was eliminated from the World Cup the Nigerian captain personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that travelled to Brazil.

He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.


Now that's funny!
~Sue~

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Message 1548268 - Posted: 27 Jul 2014, 3:01:25 UTC
Last modified: 27 Jul 2014, 3:02:56 UTC

> Growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional.

> I have found at my age going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.

> You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just
> as long as you don't have to go along.

> Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to
> every man. Isn't that an ironic time for a guy to have those odds?

> Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

> By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to
> go anywhere.

> Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have
> begun to grow in the middle.

> Last will and testament: being of sound mind, I spent everything.

> It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

> You're getting old when your wife gives up sex for lent, and you
> don't know until the 4th of July.

> You're getting old when "getting lucky" means you found your car in
> the parking lot.

> At my age "getting a little action" means I don't need to take a laxative.

> Middle age is having the choice of two temptations and choosing the
> one that will get you home earlier.

> Someone described heaven as a family reunion that never ends. What
> could hell possibly be like? Home videos of the same reunion?

> Laughing helps, it's like jogging on the inside.

> Middle age is when you choose the cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

> Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

> Every time I think about exercise, I lie down till the thought goes away.

> The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight. Because by then
> your body and your fat are really, really good friends.

> Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

> Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes it comes alone.

I'm using a larger font size so that us geezers can read this easily.
You're welcome.

~Sue~

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Message 1548380 - Posted: 27 Jul 2014, 11:03:16 UTC

Here's your English lesson for the day!

"Complete" or "Finished"?

No dictionary has ever been able to satisfactorily define the difference between "complete" and "finished." However, during a recent linguistic conference, held in London, England, and attended by some of the best linguists in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese linguist, was the presenter when he was asked to make that very distinction.

The question put to him by a colleague in the erudite audience was this:

“Some say there is no difference between ‘complete’ and ‘finished.’
Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand.”

Mr. Balgobin’s response:

“When you marry the right woman, you are ‘complete.’ If you marry the wrong woman, you are ‘finished.’ And, if the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ‘completely finished.’"

His answer received a five minute standing ovation.
.


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Message 1548384 - Posted: 27 Jul 2014, 11:22:26 UTC - in response to Message 1548380.  

Here's your English lesson for the day!

"Complete" or "Finished"?

No dictionary has ever been able to satisfactorily define the difference between "complete" and "finished." However, during a recent linguistic conference, held in London, England, and attended by some of the best linguists in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese linguist, was the presenter when he was asked to make that very distinction.

The question put to him by a colleague in the erudite audience was this:

“Some say there is no difference between ‘complete’ and ‘finished.’
Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand.”

Mr. Balgobin’s response:

“When you marry the right woman, you are ‘complete.’ If you marry the wrong woman, you are ‘finished.’ And, if the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ‘completely finished.’"

His answer received a five minute standing ovation.

I'll add my ROFLMAO to their's.
"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster

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Message 1548386 - Posted: 27 Jul 2014, 11:26:34 UTC - in response to Message 1548384.  

+1

Methinks he should have got a 24hr ovation :-)
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Message 1550452 - Posted: 31 Jul 2014, 12:33:22 UTC

Good one Gnu! :)
rOZZ
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Message 1550461 - Posted: 31 Jul 2014, 12:54:20 UTC - in response to Message 1550452.  

Good one Gnu! :)


Brilliant! heh heh heh :))))))
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Message 1550546 - Posted: 31 Jul 2014, 16:30:15 UTC - in response to Message 1550082.  

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

A few months after I first heard that one, it was acted out in the opening scene of an episode of "Picket Fences."
David
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Message 1550800 - Posted: 1 Aug 2014, 5:35:45 UTC - in response to Message 1550500.  

"Like someone crapped a Christmas tree."

That was a line from one of the "Mrs. Brown's Boys" episodes - LOL!
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Message 1551878 - Posted: 3 Aug 2014, 15:25:42 UTC

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Message boards : Cafe SETI : The joke thread Part 4.


 
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