The joke thread Part 4.

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Message 1522572 - Posted: 30 May 2014, 2:06:28 UTC


~Sue~

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Luigi Naruszewicz
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Message 1523481 - Posted: 2 Jun 2014, 7:05:16 UTC

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:


1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not..

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

5. I thought that I could love no other
-- that is until I met your brother...

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
.


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Message 1523706 - Posted: 2 Jun 2014, 17:45:16 UTC
Last modified: 2 Jun 2014, 17:47:15 UTC

A woman watched a dog go into a Butcher's shop.

"What is it today?" asked the Butcher, "Pork"

The dog shook its head.

"Beef"

The dog shook its head.

"Lamb chops?"

The dog wagged its tail furiously.

The butcher wrapped up two lamb chops, gave them to the dog and the dog trotted out.

The same thing happened the following day and the woman was so intrigued she decided to follow the dog out of the shop.

She saw the dog walk up the steps to a house, stand on his hind legs and ring the doorbell with his nose.

A man answered the door and immediately started shouting angrily at the dog.

The woman was incensed. "You should be ashamed of yourself," she told the man."That is the cleverest dog I've ever seen. He goes to the butcher's, fetches your dinner, brings it home and rings the doorbell. And you treat him like that!"

"That may be," said the man, "But it's the third time this week he's forgotten his key."
~Sue~

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Luigi Naruszewicz
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Message 1523965 - Posted: 3 Jun 2014, 6:31:45 UTC

My GPS
I have a little GPS
I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones My GPS is my wife
It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour", it says
"You're doing thirty five"
It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake
It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively Just when to intervene
It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account It specifies my gear.
I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car It still gives its advice
It fills me up with counseling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it And get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things And - keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I do wish that once in a while I could turn the damned thing off.
.


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Message 1524150 - Posted: 3 Jun 2014, 20:31:03 UTC - in response to Message 1523965.  

My GPS
I have a little GPS
I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones My GPS is my wife
It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour", it says
"You're doing thirty five"
It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake
It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively Just when to intervene
It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account It specifies my gear.
I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car It still gives its advice
It fills me up with counseling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it And get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things And - keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I do wish that once in a while I could turn the damned thing off.



Couldn't miss my GPS! Good one Luigi:)
rOZZ
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Message 1524183 - Posted: 3 Jun 2014, 22:38:14 UTC
Last modified: 3 Jun 2014, 22:38:59 UTC

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while 'the lights would turn off.'

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"

The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

"Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?'"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"
"No thank you, but, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"
~Sue~

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Message 1524514 - Posted: 4 Jun 2014, 19:12:00 UTC - in response to Message 1524183.  


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Message 1524522 - Posted: 4 Jun 2014, 20:05:09 UTC

I think most of you will get a good laugh from this.

http://mentalhealthforparents.com/do-not-drink-anything-while-reading/
~Sue~

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Message 1524574 - Posted: 5 Jun 2014, 1:32:26 UTC - in response to Message 1524522.  

I think most of you will get a good laugh from this.

http://mentalhealthforparents.com/do-not-drink-anything-while-reading/


He he he he he he :)))))))))))))))) very good in a calamitous sense :)
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Message 1526121 - Posted: 9 Jun 2014, 20:13:55 UTC

This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary,
With money my husband gave me for my birthday this year, I purchased a week of personal training at the local health club. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god-- with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a WHOLE pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.
_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. Parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.
_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Asshole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late-- it took me that long to tie my shoes. He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny bitch to find me. Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine-- which I sank.
_________________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic, little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
________________________________
SATURDAY:
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
________________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun-- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
~Sue~

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Message 1527911 - Posted: 14 Jun 2014, 6:46:33 UTC

Critical Thinking At Its Best!

Woman:Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes

Woman:How many beers a day?
Man:Usually about 3

Woman:How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

(This is where it gets scary !)

Woman:And how long have you been drinking?
Man:About 20 years, I suppose

Woman:So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?
Man:Correct

Woman:If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man:Correct

Woman:Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man:Do you drink beer?
Woman:No

Man:Where's your Ferrari?
.


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Message 1527940 - Posted: 14 Jun 2014, 8:23:17 UTC

Good one Luigi.


With each crime and every kindness we birth our future.
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Message 1528368 - Posted: 15 Jun 2014, 21:21:13 UTC


.


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Message 1529398 - Posted: 18 Jun 2014, 10:29:20 UTC - in response to Message 1527911.  

Critical Thinking At Its Best!

Woman:Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes

Woman:How many beers a day?
Man:Usually about 3

Woman:How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

(This is where it gets scary !)

Woman:And how long have you been drinking?
Man:About 20 years, I suppose

Woman:So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?
Man:Correct

Woman:If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man:Correct

Woman:Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man:Do you drink beer?
Woman:No

Man:Where's your Ferrari?



LOL!!!!
rOZZ
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Message 1529771 - Posted: 19 Jun 2014, 6:28:21 UTC

Researchers for the Ministry of Transport found over 200 dead crows near greater Manchester recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.
By analysing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorries, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
M of T then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviourist very quickly concluded the cause:
--- when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Lorry."
.


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Message 1529941 - Posted: 19 Jun 2014, 17:16:09 UTC - in response to Message 1529771.  

Researchers for the Ministry of Transport found over 200 dead crows near greater Manchester recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.
By analysing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorries, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
M of T then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviourist very quickly concluded the cause:
--- when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Lorry."


LOL!!
~Sue~

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Message 1530182 - Posted: 20 Jun 2014, 8:42:49 UTC

An Engineer's Dinner

His wife left a note for him to prepare dinner that evening:-


Shepherds Pie needs to be taken out of the fridge and placed in the oven at 140 degrees.



.


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Message 1533045 - Posted: 28 Jun 2014, 3:19:27 UTC

Every time I start worrying about how I look, I find a pub with a happy hour and
by the time I leave I look just fine.
~Sue~

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Message 1536663 - Posted: 6 Jul 2014, 5:48:32 UTC

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the England Football team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

.


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Message 1536836 - Posted: 6 Jul 2014, 16:24:31 UTC - in response to Message 1536663.  


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Message boards : Cafe SETI : The joke thread Part 4.


 
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