The joke thread Part 4.

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Luigi Naruszewicz
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Message 1507505 - Posted: 23 Apr 2014, 5:33:47 UTC


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Message 1507929 - Posted: 24 Apr 2014, 7:16:38 UTC

Catholic Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." Alan Dean Foster

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Luigi Naruszewicz
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Message 1509112 - Posted: 27 Apr 2014, 7:16:46 UTC

Proud Canadian



A US first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are American too.

Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks. There is, however one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd.

The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.. "Because I am not an American."

"Then", asks the teacher, "What are you?".

"I'm a proud Canadian," boasts the little girl.

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian.

"Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I'm a Canadian too.

The teacher is now really angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a crappy hockey player, and your dad was a crappy hockey player? Would that mean that you're a crappy hockey player too?"


A pause, and a smile. Then, says Kristen, "Nope! That'd mean I'm an American!"
.


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Message 1509231 - Posted: 27 Apr 2014, 16:50:18 UTC

"Nope! That'd mean I'm an American!"


Magna cum laude!!

All hale the truth of small children.....
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Luigi Naruszewicz
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Message 1509424 - Posted: 28 Apr 2014, 5:59:55 UTC
Last modified: 28 Apr 2014, 6:00:37 UTC

A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes.

The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes.

The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.

The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.

The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up...
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Message 1510124 - Posted: 30 Apr 2014, 2:30:47 UTC
Last modified: 30 Apr 2014, 2:31:00 UTC

Good-bye Grandpa

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story, and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, and good-bye Grandpa."

"Why did you say 'good-bye Grandpa'?" asked the father.

The little girl said, "I don't know Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day Grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy, and good-bye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.

"Holy crap," thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived. He breathed a sigh of relief and drove home.

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"
~Sue~

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Message 1511427 - Posted: 2 May 2014, 17:36:21 UTC

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A PSYCHIATRIST AND TOLD HIM:

I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.

Just put yourself in my hands for one year, said the shrink. Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.

How much do you charge?

Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor.

I'll sleep on it, I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having? He asked.

Well, eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year, is $12,480.00. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup truck.

Is that so? With a bit of an attitude he said, and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?

He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now.


IT'S ALWAYS BETTER TO GET A SECOND OPINION
~Sue~

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Message 1511431 - Posted: 2 May 2014, 17:39:08 UTC

A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well;

However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.
Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily --- if at all.

Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence, "Get well soon from the nurse in the Ford Explorer you pulled over last week."

Kind of brings tears to your eyes doesn't it?
~Sue~

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Message 1511662 - Posted: 3 May 2014, 6:22:06 UTC
Last modified: 3 May 2014, 6:22:42 UTC

When you are in love,
Wonders happen.
But once you get married,
You Wonder, what happened.

Philosophy of marriage :
At the beginning, every wife treats her husband as GOD..
Later, somehow don't know why..alphabets get reversed..

Secret formula for married couples...
"Love One Another"
And if it doesn't work, bring the last word in the middle.!!!!

A woman finds Aladdin's magic lamp.
She starts rubbing it and a Genie comes out as usual.
The woman looks at the Genie and asks him to grant her wishes:
- I want my husband to have eyes only for me
- I want to be the only one in his life
- I want him to sleep always by my side
- I want that when he gets up in the morning I'm the first thing he grabs and takes me everywhere he goes."
The Genie turned THE LADY into a SAMSUNG GALAXY S4

A drunk man arrives late at home.
He knows his wife won't open the door, so he decides to pretend he bought her flowers knocks at the door. .
Wife: Who is it ?
Drunk: I bring flowers for the pretty lady. .
Wife opens the door says: Where are the flowers ?
Drunk: Where is the pretty lady ?
.


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Message 1511723 - Posted: 3 May 2014, 9:25:44 UTC
Last modified: 3 May 2014, 9:29:26 UTC

BOINC is like modelling... it takes a lot of expensive silicon to have a nice RAC.

ROFLMAO - Many a true word is spoken in jest :DD

This reminds of an article about computers I saw in a trendy women's magazine back in the 1980's. All the way through it kept referring to the silicone chip :)

T.A.
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Message 1511927 - Posted: 3 May 2014, 21:33:17 UTC

You guys are so...


:)

I'm terrible with jokes :/ I can never remember the...
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Message 1511928 - Posted: 3 May 2014, 21:35:54 UTC

I remmeber a lot of jokes but german jokes seldom work in english.


With each crime and every kindness we birth our future.
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Message 1511929 - Posted: 3 May 2014, 21:41:13 UTC - in response to Message 1511928.  

I remmeber a lot of jokes but german jokes seldom work in english.

That's OK. I don't know how well English jokes translate into German.

Steve
Warning, addicted to SETI crunching!
Crunching as a member of GPU Users Group.
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Message 1512246 - Posted: 4 May 2014, 18:18:31 UTC - in response to Message 1511929.  

I remmeber a lot of jokes but german jokes seldom work in english.

That's OK. I don't know how well English jokes translate into German.

Steve

World's funniest joke

And the funniest joke in the universe:

Finalism finger fink. Obligatory quotient yokefellow, coconut kachina cosmological argument. Bank swallow fish story, inculpate minuteman. Stress certifier in lecithin. Hard-hearted dill, divine minded domineer, mind reader sextuplet, garden fly honey suckle garbage. Palter rimfire, green peace. Change is the ultimate solution.
David
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Waiting for a message from a small furry creature from Alpha Centauri.

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Luigi Naruszewicz
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Message 1512405 - Posted: 5 May 2014, 5:57:39 UTC

We had a power outage this morning. My PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad & my new surround sound music system were all shut down.

Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was flat and to top it off it was raining outside, so I couldn't play golf.

I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needs power, so I sat and talked with my wife for a few hours.

She seems like a nice person.
.


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Message 1512480 - Posted: 5 May 2014, 13:14:02 UTC - in response to Message 1512405.  

We had a power outage this morning. My PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad & my new surround sound music system were all shut down.

Then I discovered that my iPhone battery was flat and to top it off it was raining outside, so I couldn't play golf.

I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then I remembered that this also needs power, so I sat and talked with my wife for a few hours.

She seems like a nice person.



He he he he he he he he he he - you'll keep in touch then I presume :)
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Message 1512544 - Posted: 5 May 2014, 17:46:26 UTC - in response to Message 1511928.  

I remmeber a lot of jokes but german jokes seldom work in english.


Ich verstehe Deutsch.
~Sue~

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Message 1512545 - Posted: 5 May 2014, 17:47:39 UTC

A group of chaps, all aged 40,discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally, it was agreed that they meet at Wetherspoons because the waitresses had big boobs and wore mini skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends met to discuss where they should lunch.
It was eventually agreed to meet at Wetherspoons because the food and services were good and the beer was great.

Ten years later, at aged 60, they met and discussed where to have lunch.
Finally, they agreed to go to Wetherspoons because they could dine in peace and quiet and it was good value for money.

Ten years later, at aged 70, the friends discussed where they should lunch.
It was agreed to meet at Wetherspoons because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends met to discuss where to lunch.
Finally, it was agreed that they meet at Wetherspoons because they had never been there before!
~Sue~

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Message 1512617 - Posted: 5 May 2014, 21:56:19 UTC - in response to Message 1512544.  

I remmeber a lot of jokes but german jokes seldom work in english.


Ich verstehe Deutsch.


Ek verstaan Afrikaans maar het a bietjie vergeet en... :)

naelewa Kiswahili, ingawa mimi tumesahau mengi :/

and I've forgotten all my Zulu :( which isn't at funny at all
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Message 1512634 - Posted: 5 May 2014, 23:08:08 UTC - in response to Message 1512545.  

A group of chaps, all aged 40,discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally, it was agreed that they meet at Wetherspoons because the waitresses had big boobs and wore mini skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends met to discuss where they should lunch.
It was eventually agreed to meet at Wetherspoons because the food and services were good and the beer was great.

Ten years later, at aged 60, they met and discussed where to have lunch.
Finally, they agreed to go to Wetherspoons because they could dine in peace and quiet and it was good value for money.

Ten years later, at aged 70, the friends discussed where they should lunch.
It was agreed to meet at Wetherspoons because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends met to discuss where to lunch.
Finally, it was agreed that they meet at Wetherspoons because they had never been there before!



Thanks Suzie-Q!

Good chuckle :-)
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Message boards : Cafe SETI : The joke thread Part 4.


 
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