Saw a sign on a bus the other day.
Did you know, that a bus takes 35 people off the road?
I thought I was bad in a truck.

---

~Sue~

Years ago when one entered a bookies & saw people rubbing their hands, you knew that they had won some dosh.
These days...

A frantic blonde calls out a Mayday.
"My pilot had a heart attack & is dead. I can't fly"
She hears a voice over the Radio:
"This is Air Traffic Control. I hear you loud & clear.
I will talk you through this & get you back on the ground.
Everything will be fine!
What is your height & position?"
The blonde says: "I'm 5' 4" & I'm in the front seat"
After a long pause...
"O.K" says the voice on the radio.
"Now, repeat after me.
Our Father Who Art in Heaven..."

I ordered 4 Kindles on Amazon.
For some reason they sent me a
Two Ronnies DVD.

I said to the girl in B&Q
"What's the best for greasy ovens?"
She said,
"Ammonia Cleaner"
I said,
Sorry, I thought you worked here"

An Irishman walks out of a bar...





















STOP LAUGHING!
It could happen.

You are not going to believe this one!?

A few days ago I received a friend request on FB from an attractive young guy about 28 years old... I was curious. I wanted to know why someone that young wanted to be my FB friend. So I accepted it.

Then he started sending me private messages. He was very kind. He called me beautiful. He asked my age. I'm not a liar so I told him and reminded him I'm quite a bit his senior. And I let him talk a bit. (Truth be told flattery ain't all that bad.)

We kept talking for a while and within a short time, he asked if we could talk about 'adult things.' I said ok. Then he replied with a face like ? [smiling devil emoji]. He said, "Thank you, babe, you start."

So I did!

I told him adult things like my knees and hips were hurting. My back acts up when it is cold outside. I explained that I have crazy insomnia, I toss and turn the entire night, and I often have leg cramps, especially when I try to sleep.

I mentioned the scars from multiple surgeries and my limp from an old injury. And of course, I had to throw in the need for daily fiber supplements to prevent passing gas. Can't forget that one!

I was waiting for him to answer me...

He blocked me. He wanted to talk about adult things and then couldn't take the heat!

I think I'm just a bit too much woman for him to handle!

---

~Sue~

ROFLFMAO!!!

+1

Don't tell secrets in the garden....

...The potatoes have eyes
The corn have ears
The beanstalk.

Nice one Suzie :-)

---

Bob Smith
Member of Seti PIPPS (Pluto is a Planet Protest Society)
Somewhere in the (un)known Universe?

Bob ran out of gas, & a bee flew in his car window.
"Are you out of gas?" said the bee.
"Yes" said Bob.
"Gimme a minute" said the bee & flew away.
Minutes later, the bee returned with the whole hive of bees who all flew into his petrol tank.
Moments later, they all emerged.
"Try it now" said a passing bee.
Bob tried & the car started.
Bob said "Wow, what did you put in the tank?

Wait for it...



...BP

Damn, I havn't heard that 1 in decades. LOL

Cheers.

:-)
I like the earlier 60's version.
It's more American orientated though.

A swarm of bees needed to find a pitstop PDQ.
They all stopped at a BP station.
All except 1.
He was an ESSO B.

Damn, I havn't heard that 1 in decades. LOL

Cheers.

Or...,

The last time I heard that I laughed so hard I fell off of my dinosaur!

---

~Sue~

A handsome man went into a hotel and asked to see the boss. When the boss came, the story began.

-The client: is room 39 empty?
-The boss: yes, sir.
-The client: can I book it?
-The boss: of course you can.
-The client: thank you.

Before going to the room, the client asked the boss to provide him with a black knife, a white thread 39 cm and an orange 73g.

The boss agreed though he was surprized at the weird things the client asked to have.

The client went into his room, he didn't ask for food or anything else.

Unfortunately for the boss, his room was next to room 39.

After midnight, the boss heard strange voices and noise in that client's room. Voices of wild animals and of utensils and dishes being thrown on the floor.

The boss didn't sleep that night. He kept thinking and wondering what might be the source of the noise.

In the morning, when the client handed the keys to the boss, the latter asked to see the room first.

He went to the room and found everything alright. Nothing unusual. He even found the thread, the black knife and the orange on the table.

The client paid the bill and gave the bellboys a very good tip and left the hotel smiling.

The boss was in a shock but he didn't reveal what he heard to the bellboys. In fact, he started to doubt himself.

After one year, the client showed up again. He asked to see the boss again. The boss was in a puzzle.

The client asked the same things: room 39, black knife, white thread 39cm and an orange 79g.

This time, the boss wanted to know the truth by all means possible. He spent a sleepless night, waiting for something to happen. After midnight, the same voices and noises started, this time louder and more indecipherable than the year before.

Again, before leaving, the client paid his bill and left a large tip on the table for the bellboys. The smile didn't leave his face.

The boss started searching for the meaning of everything the client asked to have. Why did he ask room 39? why the white thread? why the black knife??? In fact, the boss didn't arrive to any convincing answer to all these questions.

The boss now was eagerly waiting for the month of March, the month in which the client showed up.

To his surprise, on the first day of March, the same client showed up. He asked the same questions. Wanted to book the same room, wanted to have the same things as before.

The boss again heard the same noises, this time more louder than before.

In the morning, when the client was leaving the hotel, the boss apologized politely to the client and asked to know the secret behind the noises in the room.

-''If I tell you the secret, do you promise to never reveal it to anyone else?''
-''I promise I will never let anyone know''.
-''Swear''
-''I swear I won't reveal your secret''
So finally, the client revealed his secret to the boss.

Unfortunately, the boss was a sincere person. Until now he hasn't revealed his secret to anyone.

When he does, I will let you know... thank you for reading.

Do you want to come and beat me?

Me too, I'm looking for the guy who sent me this!

Damn, I havn't heard that 1 in decades. LOL

Cheers.

Or...,

The last time I heard that I laughed so hard I fell off of my dinosaur!

That’s so old dirt still had a wear date.

---