The joke thread Part 4.

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Message 2050071 - Posted: 22 May 2020, 18:14:31 UTC

ROFL
I hope you managed at least one triple word score with a few triple letters on the side :-)
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Message 2050568 - Posted: 29 May 2020, 14:12:15 UTC

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Message 2051625 - Posted: 11 Jun 2020, 21:14:03 UTC

In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a South
African bush outpost to relieve the retiring colonel. After welcoming his replacement and
showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches, etc.) which protocol
decrees, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, he's my
right-hand man and is really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless.”
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a
hunchback, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity,
a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.

"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

"Well, sir, I played cricket for England, graduated with honours from Sandhurst, won the
Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great
Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight boxing division
of the Olympics. I have researched the history of...”

At that point, the retiring colonel interrupted. "Yes, yes, never mind all that, Smithers,
he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to Bugger off."
~Sue~

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Message 2052952 - Posted: 30 Jun 2020, 11:32:45 UTC

I always thought that the Norfolk Broads were girls from Gt Yarmouth.
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Message 2052962 - Posted: 30 Jun 2020, 13:28:48 UTC

Did you hear the latest story about butter?




I'm sorry, but I'm not going to spread it.
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Message 2052967 - Posted: 30 Jun 2020, 15:57:27 UTC

Saw a sign on a bus the other day.
Did you know, that a bus takes 35 people off the road?
I thought I was bad in a truck.
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Message 2056442 - Posted: 4 Sep 2020, 10:30:08 UTC


~Sue~

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Message 2081292 - Posted: 31 Jul 2021, 11:25:48 UTC

Years ago when one entered a bookies & saw people rubbing their hands, you knew that they had won some dosh.
These days...
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Message 2100481 - Posted: 31 May 2022, 16:51:03 UTC

A frantic blonde calls out a Mayday.
"My pilot had a heart attack & is dead. I can't fly"
She hears a voice over the Radio:
"This is Air Traffic Control. I hear you loud & clear.
I will talk you through this & get you back on the ground.
Everything will be fine!
What is your height & position?"
The blonde says: "I'm 5' 4" & I'm in the front seat"
After a long pause...
"O.K" says the voice on the radio.
"Now, repeat after me.
Our Father Who Art in Heaven..."
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Message 2102262 - Posted: 30 Jun 2022, 12:37:01 UTC

I ordered 4 Kindles on Amazon.
For some reason they sent me a
Two Ronnies DVD.

I said to the girl in B&Q
"What's the best for greasy ovens?"
She said,
"Ammonia Cleaner"
I said,
Sorry, I thought you worked here"
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Message 2102310 - Posted: 1 Jul 2022, 0:41:53 UTC

An Irishman walks out of a bar...





















STOP LAUGHING!
It could happen.
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Message 2102779 - Posted: 8 Jul 2022, 6:55:54 UTC
Last modified: 8 Jul 2022, 6:58:22 UTC

You are not going to believe this one!?

A few days ago I received a friend request on FB from an attractive young guy about 28 years old... I was curious. I wanted to know why someone that young wanted to be my FB friend. So I accepted it.

Then he started sending me private messages. He was very kind. He called me beautiful. He asked my age. I'm not a liar so I told him and reminded him I'm quite a bit his senior. And I let him talk a bit. (Truth be told flattery ain't all that bad.)

We kept talking for a while and within a short time, he asked if we could talk about 'adult things.' I said ok. Then he replied with a face like ? [smiling devil emoji]. He said, "Thank you, babe, you start."

So I did!

I told him adult things like my knees and hips were hurting. My back acts up when it is cold outside. I explained that I have crazy insomnia, I toss and turn the entire night, and I often have leg cramps, especially when I try to sleep.

I mentioned the scars from multiple surgeries and my limp from an old injury. And of course, I had to throw in the need for daily fiber supplements to prevent passing gas. Can't forget that one!

I was waiting for him to answer me...

He blocked me. He wanted to talk about adult things and then couldn't take the heat!

I think I'm just a bit too much woman for him to handle!
~Sue~

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Message 2102781 - Posted: 8 Jul 2022, 7:11:11 UTC

ROFLFMAO!!!
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Message 2102784 - Posted: 8 Jul 2022, 7:40:08 UTC - in response to Message 2102781.  

+1
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Message 2102789 - Posted: 8 Jul 2022, 9:25:55 UTC

Don't tell secrets in the garden....

...The potatoes have eyes
The corn have ears
The beanstalk.
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Message 2102792 - Posted: 8 Jul 2022, 9:50:36 UTC - in response to Message 2102779.  

Nice one Suzie :-)
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Message 2103987 - Posted: 28 Jul 2022, 7:42:18 UTC

Bob ran out of gas, & a bee flew in his car window.
"Are you out of gas?" said the bee.
"Yes" said Bob.
"Gimme a minute" said the bee & flew away.
Minutes later, the bee returned with the whole hive of bees who all flew into his petrol tank.
Moments later, they all emerged.
"Try it now" said a passing bee.
Bob tried & the car started.
Bob said "Wow, what did you put in the tank?

Wait for it...



...BP
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Message 2103989 - Posted: 28 Jul 2022, 7:57:08 UTC

Damn, I havn't heard that 1 in decades. LOL

Cheers.
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Message 2104091 - Posted: 29 Jul 2022, 20:17:52 UTC - in response to Message 2103989.  

:-)
I like the earlier 60's version.
It's more American orientated though.

A swarm of bees needed to find a pitstop PDQ.
They all stopped at a BP station.
All except 1.
He was an ESSO B.
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Message 2104140 - Posted: 30 Jul 2022, 16:25:08 UTC - in response to Message 2103989.  

Damn, I havn't heard that 1 in decades. LOL

Cheers.

Or...,

The last time I heard that I laughed so hard I fell off of my dinosaur!
~Sue~

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Message boards : Cafe SETI : The joke thread Part 4.


 
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