The joke thread Part 4.

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Profile MichaelEdits

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Message 2001437 - Posted: 7 Jul 2019, 0:46:07 UTC

What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can tune a guitar, but you can't tuna fish.
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Profile MichaelEdits

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Message 2002810 - Posted: 16 Jul 2019, 2:00:57 UTC

After Padmé Amidala died, Darth Vader mourned, but eventually he found love again. His second wife's name was Ella.
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Message 2003183 - Posted: 18 Jul 2019, 21:42:54 UTC

My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital. Her husband named the kid Carson.
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Message 2004692 - Posted: 29 Jul 2019, 1:07:42 UTC

Me: Someone I know is possessed by an owl!
Him: Who?

I look at him cautiously...
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Profile Tom M
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Message 2005201 - Posted: 1 Aug 2019, 17:30:08 UTC - in response to Message 1491852.  


However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for. At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.





ROFLing......


Oh, my.
A proud member of the OFA (Old Farts Association).
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Profile MichaelEdits

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Message 2005563 - Posted: 3 Aug 2019, 21:17:29 UTC

What's the difference between a kleptomaniac and a literalist?
The literalist takes things literally. The kleptomaniac takes things, literally.
(Commas matter.)
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Message 2006197 - Posted: 7 Aug 2019, 19:27:03 UTC

Corduroy pillows are really making headlines.
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Profile Michael Belanger, W1DGL
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Message 2006229 - Posted: 7 Aug 2019, 23:32:14 UTC

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini , Italy , went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:

"Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That is a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?''
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Message 2006646 - Posted: 10 Aug 2019, 9:37:46 UTC

I met a magical fairy yesterday who said she would grant me one wish.
"I wish to live forever" I said.
"Sorry" said the fairy "I'm not allowed to grant that particular wish".
"Fine" I said "Then I want to die the day after congress is filled with honest, hard working bipartisan men & women who act only in the people's best interests".
"You crafty devil" said the fairy.
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Message 2006724 - Posted: 10 Aug 2019, 23:17:02 UTC - in response to Message 2006646.  

Tonight I dreamt of a beautiful walk on a sandy beach.

At least that explains the footprints I found in the cat litter box this morning.
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Message 2006808 - Posted: 11 Aug 2019, 16:26:31 UTC

2 boys attend a wedding. When the ceremony is over, one whispered to the other...
"How many wives can a man have"?
"16" was the reply.
"Four better, four worse, four richer & four poorer".
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Message 2006854 - Posted: 11 Aug 2019, 22:13:54 UTC - in response to Message 2006808.  

"How many wives can a man have"?


That reminds me of two definitions.

Bigamy: The condition of having one wife too many.

Monogamy: See "bigamy".
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Message 2007226 - Posted: 14 Aug 2019, 2:02:11 UTC

I used to own a pet chameleon. I still might.
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Message 2007292 - Posted: 14 Aug 2019, 14:36:39 UTC

Somebody stole my mood ring. I don't know how I feel about that.
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Message 2008367 - Posted: 19 Aug 2019, 19:15:12 UTC

I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have florets
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Message 2008368 - Posted: 19 Aug 2019, 19:17:39 UTC

The winner of this year's best one-liner at the Edinburgh fringe is reported to have said "This is a fantastic honour but it's like I've always said, jokes about white sugar are rare, jokes about brown sugar... demerara" on hearing he'd one
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Message 2008426 - Posted: 20 Aug 2019, 0:39:52 UTC

I told my boss that three different companies were after me, and I needed a raise to stay at my current job.

"Do you mind me asking which companies?" he said.

"Sure," I said. "Gas, Electric, and Cable."
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Message 2008559 - Posted: 21 Aug 2019, 1:41:34 UTC

How do you make antifreeze?
Steal her blanket.
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Message 2009660 - Posted: 28 Aug 2019, 20:42:05 UTC

Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?

They were Prime mates.
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Message 2009662 - Posted: 28 Aug 2019, 20:44:08 UTC

I found a job helping a one-armed typist type capital letters.

It’s shift work.
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Message boards : Cafe SETI : The joke thread Part 4.


 
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