The joke thread Part 4.

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Profile MichaelEdits

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Message 2005563 - Posted: 3 Aug 2019, 21:17:29 UTC

What's the difference between a kleptomaniac and a literalist?
The literalist takes things literally. The kleptomaniac takes things, literally.
(Commas matter.)
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Message 2006197 - Posted: 7 Aug 2019, 19:27:03 UTC

Corduroy pillows are really making headlines.
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Profile Michael Belanger, W1DGL
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Message 2006229 - Posted: 7 Aug 2019, 23:32:14 UTC

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini , Italy , went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:

"Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That is a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?''
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Message 2006646 - Posted: 10 Aug 2019, 9:37:46 UTC

I met a magical fairy yesterday who said she would grant me one wish.
"I wish to live forever" I said.
"Sorry" said the fairy "I'm not allowed to grant that particular wish".
"Fine" I said "Then I want to die the day after congress is filled with honest, hard working bipartisan men & women who act only in the people's best interests".
"You crafty devil" said the fairy.
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Message 2006724 - Posted: 10 Aug 2019, 23:17:02 UTC - in response to Message 2006646.  

Tonight I dreamt of a beautiful walk on a sandy beach.

At least that explains the footprints I found in the cat litter box this morning.
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Message 2006808 - Posted: 11 Aug 2019, 16:26:31 UTC

2 boys attend a wedding. When the ceremony is over, one whispered to the other...
"How many wives can a man have"?
"16" was the reply.
"Four better, four worse, four richer & four poorer".
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Message 2006854 - Posted: 11 Aug 2019, 22:13:54 UTC - in response to Message 2006808.  

"How many wives can a man have"?


That reminds me of two definitions.

Bigamy: The condition of having one wife too many.

Monogamy: See "bigamy".
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Message 2007226 - Posted: 14 Aug 2019, 2:02:11 UTC

I used to own a pet chameleon. I still might.
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Message 2007292 - Posted: 14 Aug 2019, 14:36:39 UTC

Somebody stole my mood ring. I don't know how I feel about that.
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Message 2008367 - Posted: 19 Aug 2019, 19:15:12 UTC

I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have florets
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Message 2008368 - Posted: 19 Aug 2019, 19:17:39 UTC

The winner of this year's best one-liner at the Edinburgh fringe is reported to have said "This is a fantastic honour but it's like I've always said, jokes about white sugar are rare, jokes about brown sugar... demerara" on hearing he'd one
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Message 2008426 - Posted: 20 Aug 2019, 0:39:52 UTC

I told my boss that three different companies were after me, and I needed a raise to stay at my current job.

"Do you mind me asking which companies?" he said.

"Sure," I said. "Gas, Electric, and Cable."
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Message 2008559 - Posted: 21 Aug 2019, 1:41:34 UTC

How do you make antifreeze?
Steal her blanket.
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Message 2009660 - Posted: 28 Aug 2019, 20:42:05 UTC

Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?

They were Prime mates.
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Message 2009662 - Posted: 28 Aug 2019, 20:44:08 UTC

I found a job helping a one-armed typist type capital letters.

It’s shift work.
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Message 2009800 - Posted: 29 Aug 2019, 13:41:45 UTC

Lottery tickets.
They area a tax on folks who failed arithmetic in school.
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Message 2010072 - Posted: 31 Aug 2019, 0:55:54 UTC

Why does Piglet smell?

Because he plays with Pooh.




Why did Mozart kill all his chickens?

Because when he asked them who the best composer was, they all said, "Bach, Bach, Bach."
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Message 2010385 - Posted: 1 Sep 2019, 20:28:38 UTC

Did you hear about the constipated accountant?

He couldn’t budget, so he had to work it out with a paper and pencil.
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Message 2010386 - Posted: 1 Sep 2019, 20:32:04 UTC

Instead of "the John," I call my toilet "the Jim." That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning...
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Message 2010578 - Posted: 4 Sep 2019, 0:05:22 UTC

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer wants to ask her a few questions....

Officer: What's 2+2?

Blonde: Ummmmm... 4!

Officer: What's the square root of 100?

Blonde: Ummmm... 10!

Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?

Blonde: Ummmm... I dunno.

Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.

The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. The blonde says, excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"
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Message boards : Cafe SETI : The joke thread Part 4.


 
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