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The joke thread Part 4.
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![]() ![]() ![]() Send message Joined: 9 Mar 07 Posts: 3371 Credit: 4,746,812 RAC: 1 ![]() |
![]() ~Sue~ ![]() |
![]() ![]() Send message Joined: 5 Nov 00 Posts: 12094 Credit: 6,317,865 RAC: 0 ![]() |
Ha! #5 was indeed the one I didn't know, and I'm a Catholic! ![]() |
![]() ![]() Send message Joined: 30 Jul 00 Posts: 1887 Credit: 7,441,278 RAC: 49 ![]() ![]() |
A petrol station owner in Ireland was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.' Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.' A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.' As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex at all.' Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough Mick. Me wife won twice last week.'.... |
Sirius B ![]() ![]() Send message Joined: 26 Dec 00 Posts: 24922 Credit: 3,081,182 RAC: 7 ![]() |
A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. What are you doing?" she exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" he exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are you doing?" she exclaimed. He replied............"Watching the game with my son-in-law." |
Sirius B ![]() ![]() Send message Joined: 26 Dec 00 Posts: 24922 Credit: 3,081,182 RAC: 7 ![]() |
A man entered a café & sat his 6 children at a table. A woman asked "are all those your children?" He replied "No I work for a condom company... ...these are customer complaints. |
![]() Send message Joined: 3 Apr 99 Posts: 998 Credit: 9,101,544 RAC: 65 ![]() ![]() |
Being an Alien Hunter can be risky business. Alien Hot Sauce Commercial Features An Astronaut http://nasawatch.com/archives/2019/02/alien-hot-sauce.html ![]() ![]() ![]() |
![]() ![]() ![]() Send message Joined: 9 Mar 07 Posts: 3371 Credit: 4,746,812 RAC: 1 ![]() |
A group of recruits stood in formation at Fort Jackson, SC. The drill sergeant said, “All right! All you idiots, fall out!†As the platoon of soldiers wandered away, one soldier remained at attention. The drill sergeant walked over until he was eye to eye with the young soldier and his campaign hat touched the soldier’s patrol cap. The soldier smiled and said, “Sure was a lot of ’em, huh, Sir?†~Sue~ ![]() |
Dr Who Fan ![]() Send message Joined: 8 Jan 01 Posts: 3390 Credit: 715,342 RAC: 4 ![]() |
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![]() ![]() ![]() Send message Joined: 9 Mar 07 Posts: 3371 Credit: 4,746,812 RAC: 1 ![]() |
![]() ~Sue~ ![]() |
![]() ![]() ![]() Send message Joined: 9 Mar 07 Posts: 3371 Credit: 4,746,812 RAC: 1 ![]() |
There must not be anything funny these days. Posting to keep the thread alive. ~Sue~ ![]() |
![]() ![]() Send message Joined: 30 Jul 00 Posts: 1887 Credit: 7,441,278 RAC: 49 ![]() ![]() |
HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES???? These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place. ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! _______________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? WITNESS: July 18th. ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years. _________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget.. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shitting me? _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children , right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death.. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral... _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________ And last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No.. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. |
Sirius B ![]() ![]() Send message Joined: 26 Dec 00 Posts: 24922 Credit: 3,081,182 RAC: 7 ![]() |
An Irishman, Scot & Englishman are out walking when they come across a lantern. A genie pops out & grants then one wish each. The Scot says he's a sheep herder like my dad before me. I want my country to be full of sheep farms. Whoosh, so it was. The Englishman was amazed & says, I want a wall around England to keep those damned Scots & Irish out. Bang there was a wall around England. The Irishman says tell me about this wall. The genie says, its 200 feet high,100 feet thick, it goes all around England, nothing can get in or out. The Irishman says Fill it with water. |
![]() ![]() ![]() Send message Joined: 9 Mar 07 Posts: 3371 Credit: 4,746,812 RAC: 1 ![]() |
The last page (joke page) from the May American Legion Magazine. http://www.zannpix.com/legion2019may.pdf ~Sue~ ![]() |
![]() ![]() ![]() Send message Joined: 9 Mar 07 Posts: 3371 Credit: 4,746,812 RAC: 1 ![]() |
![]() ![]() ~Sue~ ![]() |
![]() Send message Joined: 26 May 19 Posts: 30 Credit: 574,975 RAC: 0 ![]() |
How many bodybuilders does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to change the bulb and two to say, "Dude, you are massive." |
![]() Send message Joined: 26 May 19 Posts: 30 Credit: 574,975 RAC: 0 ![]() |
A woman walked into a bar and asked for a double entendre, so the bartender gave her one. |
![]() Send message Joined: 26 May 19 Posts: 30 Credit: 574,975 RAC: 0 ![]() |
Two guys walked into a bar. The third one ducked. |
![]() ![]() ![]() Send message Joined: 27 May 99 Posts: 309 Credit: 70,759,933 RAC: 3 ![]() |
Over on the Number Crunching forum there is a thread about "How many gpus can you run on an AMD AM4 socket motherboard" I spent a long time thinking about making a joke out of that but I gave up as I had only intel motherboards |
![]() Send message Joined: 26 May 19 Posts: 30 Credit: 574,975 RAC: 0 ![]() |
Why are computers so smart? Because they always listen to their motherboards. |
rob smith ![]() ![]() ![]() Send message Joined: 7 Mar 03 Posts: 22675 Credit: 416,307,556 RAC: 380 ![]() ![]() |
How do you know when your halitosis is REALLY bad? Your dog wears a gas mask when it brings you your tooth brush Bob Smith Member of Seti PIPPS (Pluto is a Planet Protest Society) Somewhere in the (un)known Universe? |
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